Glancing briefly into my profile I note how fast fifteen-years have gone by since I first found and joined this website. Thus far, nothing that I ever wrote here in terms of more than a hundred diaries have I ever professed knowledge of politics but I made it my duty to vote Dem for obvious reasons.
Time and age have made my life and time here difficult because I became a tad disillusioned of not finding interesting subjects to write about. I stepped aside long ago and refused to write anything to avoid falling into the lie trap that seems to have overtaken not only this website but the world at large. So yes, its been over one years since I publish anything here. And I regret that.
For some reason that I cannot fathom many here seem obsessed writing diaries on subjects that they themselves read written by someone else. No, I do not claim coping other diaries word for word. What I have noted — well, whenever I sat around to read some diaries, a diarist sometimes wrote on some issue he/she read somewhere else. I cannot change that, but I recall in my early days here on this site what I think was a rule.
Writing a diary was supposed to be “fact based” original material with links to support your writings. To be honest, anyone who writes here can write anything without being questioned of original subjects — and that my friends, it the perk that comes with being a Kossack nowadays.
Anyway, knowing that I will be trashed and trolled and whatever for taking aim on some writers as I did above, that`s O.K. because anyone can do that. That was not my plan to be critical of anyone. I think the reason I explained my disillusion comes with the pain and heart ache I am feeling these days. The only place that I ever found that always gave me great advise is here, among the folks that make this their favorite playground — and mine.
I mentioned time and age in my opening to this diary as being disillusion big time but to make myself clear, these things have taken a devastating toll in my heart and soul. Old age and time saw me watching my lovely wife wilt in life like a flower petal in need of sun and water. She was in a world by herself and nothing seemed to fazed her. Strong and masterful as a Mother she raised my son and daughter to become independents through education. I will pass the baton to these two kids when my time comes that I join my lovely wife and cross that same bridge that she crossed as I watched in pain.
My wife passed on June 22, 2022.
Many times I wrote of this lovely human creature. I also wrote many times that I was not a good husband, but never did I physically hurt my wife. I am thinking of that evening when I first met her in San Antonio, in the state that bears my website name here. At the time I was just a small time druggie punk always looking for an easy lay. She changed my whole existence and for some reason, I knew back then that she would be the one I wanted to live with my entire life.
I remember telling her when we started living together in San Antonio that I had always wanted to be and live in Mexico, the land where she originated from. Well, she took me to her parents home in Guanajuato to meet her parents, three sisters and a brother, something that was forbidden in Mexican customs due to us not being married yet. Somehow nothing came out of her move to take that action and I stayed and live there for over two years and became part of my family — something I never had here in my own country as I have written so much
I am now missing my wife and living alone in this huge duplex home it still does not haunt me, but there is nothing I do from the time I get up in the morning til I go to bed at night that I do not see her. Everything I see and touch belonged to her. I tend to avoid sitting on the spots she would sit. My kids and grandkids are now so close to me. My whole body skin crawls with depression moods and I could not think of anything more useful for that then coming to let steam off here at Dk, instead of taking to my kids. My granddaughter keeps her eye on me and is the one who now takes me grocery shopping and making sure I am doing good.
During my wife`s funeral, which was a private family setting my whole being was numb. Seeing everyone dressed in black gave me the willies, imagining ghoulish beings among some in the small funeral home sickly lighted and then the process that led to the cemetery really shook me out of my shell. I could not summon enough courage to see my wife lowered into the ground where she would be covered with dirt. I simply walked away from the group attending the burial not being able to hold back my grief and pain.
Time has slowly passed but yet I cannot think straight. I feel some sort of fear having to be without my wife. She always led me no matter if things were not what I wanted. She was always right, now I am fighting with my inner self asking myself If she would approve of my suffering and pain. As we approach the time when finding to right tombstone I have left that task for my kids. My son has always been one to be right on everything, that is how I view his persona. To make matter worse than my grieving, he told me that they had purchase a plot of ground in the cemetery right next to my wife where I will be buried when my time comes. When I joked that he should not rush me into a grave yet, he said that it would make sure that my wife and I layed side by side just as in life itself.
Why did I wait this long to bring this tragic out?
Actually, I did not plan to ever put this in public but I guess one grieves different than others. I just wanted to say something about my wife. I do not know if I ever will do that again. What I do know, is, that each morning when I get out of bed and at night she will be here with me.
To those who felt touched the wrong way by my comment about writing diaries on stuff that they have read elsewhere, Hey dude, pay no mind to that. You are a Kossack with the same privilege as mine. You can write whatever you want.
I wanted a theme to start this writing after being absent so long. I got my feeling of pain and grief some small relief by sharing with you. Losing someone you love is part of human nature I guess. I just wonder and hope that I can outlive my grieve and sorrow.
I can say that I feel so empty with so much time in my hands. Alone with just one thought that I lost half of my soul is mind bogging. Please wish me well and fast recovery and I will surely take your advise like I always have.
My wife was 86 years old when she expired on June 22, 2022, just a couple of days older then me. That my people, makes me close to 87 in a few months, and I want to let those who keeps score here at Daily Kos that soon someone will write my epitaph, Ole texan passed away. But not yet please.