Alternate Reality News
July 28, 2023
jmcmeams. AR News, asst. editor
Washington, D.C.
President Mike Pence’s asst. to the asst. communications director today released a brief statement clarifying President’s Pence’s recent controversal statement that he would not make any remarks but would attend the funeral of former President Donald J. Trump, who passed away quietly in his cell July 15 at the minimum security federal prison in Palm Springs CA.
According to a spokesperson, President Trump’s ex-wife Melania “has other plans that day” but “her thoughts and prayers are with Trump’s adult children, Don Jr., Ivanca, and what’s his name.”
Trump’s former cellmate and former NYC mayor Rudi Guillani, has indicated he would be honored to host the event, “if the price was right.”
A celebrity funeral consultant who asked to remain anonymous noted that the funeral would most likely not achieve the level of glamour and allure of previous Presidential funerals since so many of Trump’s inner circle are either on trial, in custody or have their freedom to travel outside their homes hampered by DOJ ankle bracelets.
Vp Mike Pence ascended to the presidency upon the impeachment and unprecedented conviction of former President Trump as a result of Trump’s actions in illegally withholding military funding from Ukraine as well as numerous accusations of obstruction of justice revealed by the Mueller investigation.
His numerous violations of connstitutional principles and political norms alienated enough Republicans in both the House and Senate to join with Democrats in the House to impeach and then to convict the President in the Senate.
While exPresident Trump vowed vengence, the Republican Senators who voted to convict, eiether were planning to retire, or had just been re-elected and would not face the voters for nearly six years, by which time, in theory, Trump would only be a faint and bad memory.
As expected however, Trump did no go quietly.
Back at Mar a Lago, Trump rallied his considerable political base and vowed revenge. While many sitting Congressmen and women either secretly or publically pledged loyalty to Trump, they did not resign from the Republican Party as Trump first insisted. They argued they could be more effective as senior Republicans on powerful committees rather than resigning and joining Trump’s third party project, the TRUTH Party.
For Democrats, Trump’s impeachment was considered a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, the dangerous, volatile and mentally unstable Trump being out of office and permantly banned from holding any other Federal position was a tremendous relief to patriotic Americans of all political persuasions.
On the other hand, Democrats thought the often irrational Trump was the most beatable opponent in the 2020 election.
Although the Democratic National Convention was sobered by the ongoing and tragic Covid epidemic, which was to eventually claim more than 150,000 American lives, the ascending Progressive wing of the party enthusiasticly nominated Bernie Sanders for President and Elizabeth Warren as Vice President.
While pledging to personally fund the third party campaign, Trump and the TRUTH Party started slowly. With seemingly unlimited funding from his own considerable wealth, “Wealth like no one has ever seen,” Trump said, he quickly began to raise millions from his millions of small dollar donors. Campaign finance reports showed he put practically none of his own money into the effort.
Despite the fact that he was connstitutionally barred from ever holding Federal office, Trump began to recruit and interview his still loyal acolytes such as Jim Jordan, Marjorie Taylor Green, Paul Gosar, Lauren Bobart and others as the titular office holders and or cabinet members. According to unnamed sources, there were some epic squabbles over who would get to pretend to be President or VP.
Everyone understood that Trump intended to be the power behind, not the throne, but the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. But then again, that throne idea was certainly appealing to Trump.
The details of the campaign have been well documented and there is no reason to repeat them here. Democrats believed, with good reason, that Trump’s TRUTH Party would split the conservative vote to such a degree that a Democratic victory was almost certain, and the election was very close. As usual the Democrats won the popular vote, but Pence and the Republican party eked out their narrow victory in the Electoral College.
A few TRUTH Party candidates did win election in state and local races, and a half dozen were elected to Congress, where they said they would caucus with Republicans, more often than not.
Most pundits thought the election outcome would finally put an end to Trumpism once and for all. But they underestimated Trump once again.
While it was no secret that Trump was not going to go quietly, no one expected he would actually lead a violent insurrection on January 6th in an effort to disrupt the official counting of the Electoral College votes. Several thousand angry Trump supporters stormed the Capital and swarmed through the hallowed halls chanting “Hang Mike Pence” and “Restore President Trump.”
While his supporters vowed to fight to the death to defend Trump, Trump surrenderd quietly when FBI agents arrested him on the golf course at his Bedminster resort in New Jersey. He was six over par.
The supposed "trial of the century" was anti-climatic, as Trump’s defense team, led by noted lawyer Alan Dershowitz, insisted that Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity was their only possible plea.
Federal Judge Aileen Cannon, who was appointed by Trump and who many observers feared would be over accomodating to the ex-president, eventually agreed that Trump was criminally insane and remanded Trump to the minimun security Palm Springs Federal Prison, essentially for life. The prison has a well respected psychiatric program and a par three golf course.
Trump’s autopsy showed he died due to major organ failure caused by toomanybigmacs poisoning, a rare but increasingly common condition among elderly conservative males.