Late Night Snark: Party Like It's 1864 Edition
"There's a new viral health trend on [TikTok] where people are walking backward to improve their joints. And if you love moving backwards, may I suggest Arizona?"
—Jimmy Fallon
"The Arizona Supreme Court ruled yesterday that a law from 1864 that criminalizes abortion is still enforceable. 1864? Was anybody even there yet? Was this their first law right after Don't shoot the piano player? … To give you an idea of how insane it is, this law dates back to the Civil War, before women had the right to vote, before the 13th amendment outlawed slavery, before Arizona was a state, when Abraham Lincoln was president. To put that in Lincoln terms, the law is eight-score old. And it was Lincoln himself who said, 'Anything higher than four-score is too many f*cking score.' "
—Seth Meyers
"This is crazy. Is Arizona really using an abortion law from the 1860s? Back then there wasn't even a test to become a doctor. It was just a gross guy saying, 'I love looking at scabs. I wanna be a doctor.' "
—The Daily Show's Michael Kosta
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Told ya the first step was a doozy.
"In a new interview, Donald Trump claimed that President Biden was high on cocaine during the State of the Union, saying he was all jacked-up at the beginning and by the end he was fading fast. Huh…it almost sounds like Donald Trump knows exactly what it feels like to be on cocaine."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Trump's criminal trial starts here on Monday. First order of business is jury selection. Reportedly, Trump's lawyers want a jury that includes public employees like police officers, firefighters, and sanitation workers. Well, sanitation workers makes sense. I mean, they're gonna want jurors who are comfortable with giant sacks of garbage."
—Stephen Colbert
-
"Weather experts are forecasting that this year will see the highest number of hurricanes ever, thanks to an abnormally active summer of gay weddings."
—Michael Che, SNL
"Ted Cruz is having a tough week. A watchdog group, the Campaign Legal Center, filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission saying that company that produced Cruz's podcast has been funneling money to his super PAC, which would be a violation of campaign finance law. Ted's super PAC is called Truth and Courage, which is rich coming from the guy who fled to Cancun during a snowstorm and blamed it on his daughter."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 12, 2024
Note: Your call is very important to us. Please hold while the next available representative prepares a snack, smokes a butt, writes a shitty pulp novel that he can’t sell, and then spends the night sobbing in his ice cream during a Facts of Life marathon. Thank you for your patience. We’re hanging up now. Goodbye. [Click.]
-
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 6
Days 'til the 2024 California Poppy Festival in Lancaster: 7
Percent of Americans who have changed their position from anti-abortion to pro-abortion since the Dobbs decision, according to Gallup polling: 10%
Number of states that have enacted draconian abortion restrictions since Dobbs: 21
Current inflation rate in the U.S.: 3.5%
Number of years that Tara VanDerveer, the winningest basketball coach in NCAA history, led the Stanford women’s team before retiring this year: 38
Years since Peter Benchley's New York Times bestselling thriller Jaws hit bookstores: 50
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Which car is yours?
-
CHEERS to closing time. America remains the world's undisputed champion in senseless, preventable gun violence, and absolutely nothing—I mean nothing—has been done about it to WAIT A MINUTE I'VE JUST BEEN HANDED A BULLETIN: DARK BRANDON STRIKES AGAIN…
The Biden Administration on Thursday announced they are closing what is often known as the "gun show loophole," by tightening up the definition of what it means to be "engaged in the business" of selling firearms.
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) has just implemented a change in the federal register language, which was previously more specific to who was selling guns, and the agency did it in accordance with the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act, which was passed in2022. […]
“It will…close the gun show loophole and it closes the fire sale loophole as well by clarifying how firearms dealers who go out of business or lose their license must go about liquidating their inventory,” [Attorney General Merrick] Garland told reporters. “Under this regulation, it will not matter if guns are sold on the internet, at a gun show or in a brick and mortar store, if you sell guns [you] must conduct background checks.”
It's not an assault weapons ban, but it might at least catch some unstable wackadoos before they can curl their unstable fingers around an unstable trigger. Oh, and did you notice who isn’t using their mighty pro-gun lobby megaphone to throw a massive public hissy fit? The NRA. Apparently they had a great fall, and all the king's Glocks and all the king’s AR-15s can't put 'em back together again. We send them our deepest thoughts and prayers.
JEERS to the big stall. As we head into another weekend of fun and frolic, let's take a moment and see how Donald Trump's attempt to convince a judge to stop his porn star/hush money/election interference trial from getting underway next week is going:
"Can I have a delay?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No."
"Okay, it's been five seconds since my last request. I demand a…"
"No."
"What if I…"
"No."
"But I'm the greatest president since…"
"No!"
Man. It's so hard to be a crooked election-stealing perv these days.
JEERS to days we'd like to forget. On April 12, 1861, in one of the most tragic mix-ups in American history, Confederate troops accidentally fired cannons loaded with giant lead balls—instead of the "prank" cannons loaded with confetti—at Fort Sumter, thus igniting the Civil War. Northerners...so touchy.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
JEERS to cerebral hemorrhages. They suck. President Franklin Roosevelt died from one 79 years ago Today down in Warm Springs, Georgia. His private Secretary Grace Tully recounts what happened here. A snip:
The shock was unexpected and the actuality of the event was outside belief.
Without a word or a glance toward the others present, I walked into the bedroom, leaned over and kissed the President lightly on the forehead. Then I walked out on the porch and stood wordless and tearless. In my heart were prayers and, finally, in my mind came thoughts, a flood of them drawn from seventeen years of acquaintance, close association and reverent admiration. Through them, one recurred constantly—that the Boss had always shunned emotionalism and that I must, for the immediate present at least, behave in his pattern.
I did, for a matter of hours.
While FDR's generation got a rendezvous with destiny, ours got a rendezvous with a fuckup named Dubya and, eight years later, another fuckup named Dampnut, and we'll be paying for it the rest of our lives—thanks a lot, fate. Now comb your hair and go pay your respects. As always, regards to Eleanor.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you adjust your rabbit ears just right, you’ll find a few things to hold your attention on the tube this weekend. Our picks tonight are the latest new dumps on MSNBC, a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on The CW, a The Office marathon on Comedy Central, and you can join me at #allstartrek starting at 8 for live-tweeting of the original Star Trek classic Obsession (airing on the H&I network).
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here. The Masters golf tournament airs all weekend on CBS, and as usual my money is on the ghost of Sam Snead to win it all. Or you can catch more World Figure Skating Championship action Sunday afternoon on NBC. Ryan Gosling hosts SNL.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: a report on Las Vegas casino hackers and an update on Salman Rushdie in his first interview since he was attacked two years ago. Homer and Bart become kings of the blue-collar sports circuit on The Simpsons. At 9 CBS airs The 100th: Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. And John Oliver slays another sacred cow before we say nighty-night Sunday on a new episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: Sen. Tina Smith (D-MN); Gov. Chris Sununu (MAGA Cult-NH).
Meet the Press: Govs. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI) and Wes Moore (D-MD); Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH), who is fast becoming the new John McCain in terms of showing up on a Sunday show (or more) every damn week.
Face the Nation: Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ); Rep. Michael McCaul (MAGA Cult-TX).
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. John Fetterman (D-PA) and JD Vance (MAGA Cult-OH); Paul Begala; and because they apparently couldn’t get anyone else for their roundtable, former Senator Scott Brown, who got thrashed by Elizabeth Warren, shows up for the green room snacks.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. John Kennedy, the Phi Beta Kappa member and Juris Doctor recipient from multiple elite universities who pretends he’s just a good old boy from the bayou (MAGA Cult-LA).
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 12, 2014
CHEERS to comings and goings. Stephen Colbert has been hired to replace David Letterman as host of The Late Show. His challenge won't be shedding the conservative character he's played for ten years on Comedy Central’s Colbert Report, but rather convincing the public that the real Stephen Colbert is just as funny and watchable as the fake one. Meanwhile, Kathleen Sebelius is leaving her job at Health and Human Services after five rocky but ultimately triumphant years there. The chief implementer of Obamacare says she was finally able to hoist the middle finger at her tyrannical boss and leave her dead-end job thanks to the portability of Obamacare. Very sneaky, ma'am.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to horse power. You know what officially turns 60 this month? The original pony car, the “car that dreams are made of”—the Ford Mustang:
Making its debut at the New York World’s Fair, the first Ford Mustang proved to be one of the industry’s biggest hits ever, quickly requiring the automaker to fire up three assembly plants—two more than planned—to meet soaring demand. Interest was so intense, then-Ford President Lee Iacocca and Mustang landed on the covers of both Time and Newsweek, a unique coup.
-
Yet, the Mustang almost didn’t happen. The car was rushed to market only after another major Ford product program collapsed. … Ford’s designers and engineers worked feverishly to pull the project together in barely two years, about half the time it normally took to develop a new car from the ground up. But the first production models were already in dealer showrooms in time for the World’s Fair debut April 17, 1964.
Happy anniversary, Mustang fans. But don’t get cocky and challenge my Metro bus to a game of chicken. The driver mounts the losers’ hubcaps on the wall as trophies.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-