C&J Annual Fundraiser
Bless me, Father, for I have blogged. It has been 20 years, 4 months, and 4 days since my first C&J, and 12 months since my last fundraiser which—funny story—is my primary source of income. This is especially true now that I’m no longer earning a small but helpful stipend from the DK home office, a result of no longer posting on the front page.
So my soul is once again on the block. To usher C&J into another year (we hope) of being bought and paid for by you, the best online community on Planet Earth, please consider making a one-time donation or signing up for a monthly contribution. After all, there is “no daily column that's more celebrated for excellence in mediocrity” than this one—and that’s a claim you can rely on, since it was given a green check mark by my Washington D.C. research think tank BillyFact.
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We can't say it enough: thank you for splashing here, whether daily or just occasionally. By keeping me off the streets you've made Portland's overworked municipal bloggercatcher very happy.
And now, the content you’ve paid for...some of it in color!
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 15, 2024
Note: Due to the Patriots' Day holiday, Monday garbage pickup in Maine and Massachusetts will actually be happening last Saturday. A message from your friends at the Department of Untimely Reminders.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full "pink" moon: 8
Days 'til the Schram Haus Goat Fest in Chaska, Minnesota: 5
Weekly unemployment claims announced last week, lower than forecast and down 11k from the previous week: 211,000
Amount the White House plans to cancel in student debt as part of its latest relief plan: $7.4 billion
Length of the marriage between Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist after they got hitched on the ABC TV show The Golden Bachelor: 3 months
Age of Robert McNeil of PBS's The McNeil-Lehrer NewsHour when he died last week: 93
Year that McNeil and Jim Lehrer were inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame: 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: New arrival at the Howard house...
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JEERS to the dolts in charge. All the left wants is peace and equality. The right? All they want is carnage and chaos. And, boy howdy, did they put a win in both columns over the weekend:
Iran on Saturday night unleashed a retaliatory strike against Israel, sending a volley of more than 300 uncrewed drones and missiles toward targets throughout the country, Israeli military officials said. All but a few were intercepted by Israel and its allies, including the United States, officials said.
The attack on Israel came more than six months after Hamas terrorists invaded the country on Oct. 7, after which the Israeli military began its bombardment of the Gaza Strip. […]
Most of the more than 300 drones, missiles and other threats Iran launched were intercepted by Israeli and allied defenses before entering Israel, the Israel Defense Forces said.
This is either a bunch of immature chest-thumping by right-wing man-children with delusions of grandeur that was well-telegraphed and prepared for in advance so that no one would be surprised…or it's World War III. If the latter, the IRS informs me that you have an extra 24 hours to send in your taxes, but they're willing to make it 48 if your nearest post office has been vaporized.
CHEERS to putting the dick in the dock. Nothing but jury selection on the agenda this morning, but it's still a first-of-its-kind day for Americans and compilers of presidential trivia. Today marks the start of the first criminal trial of an ex-president in the history of our country—including Lincoln (even with the hat). Republican party leader Donald J. Trump is the defendant, charged with paying off mistresses to silence them before the 2016 election:
It will be salacious; the alleged mistresses are a former adult-film actress and a Playboy model. […] The first woman, Karen McDougal, a Playboy model, was paid $150,000 by the National Enquirer’s parent company, American Media Inc., for the rights to her story. AMI promptly did nothing with the story. It’s a process known as “catch and kill.”
The second woman, who was born Stephanie Clifford but built acareer in the adult-film industry as Stormy Daniels, was paid $130,000 by Trump’s former fixer Michael Cohen to sign a nondisclosure agreement about her encounters with Trump. Cohen obtained a line of credit on his home to make the payment just before the election.
Technically, Trump is charged with 34 counts of falsifying business records, a Class E felony. [I]f Trump is found guilty, the judge could sentence him to…a maximum sentence of up to four years in state prison on each count.
Even though the trial itself won’t start for a bit, it's never too early to start stretching and strengthening our lungs for the big day. So bellow after me:
"Lock him UP! (Upon such time that he is convicted and sentenced.)"
"Lock him UP! (Upon such time that he is convicted and sentenced.)"
"Lock him UP! (Upon such time that he is convicted and sentenced.)"
Great job. By the way, the official case name is: You're Finally Fucked, Mr. Crook vs. Yeah, I Know.
JEERS to wacko thespians. A hundred and fifty-nine years ago yesterday, John Wilkes Booth shot a derringer ball into Abe Lincoln's head, snuffing out the life of a great (the greatest?) president at the age of 56. Here's a pic of the 44th president gazing at the 16th president who made his ascension to the White House possible…
Tuck in your shirt and pay your respects here. They say that as an actor John Wilkes Booth was considered "the George Clooney of his day" when he killed Lincoln. As a human being? Not so much.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the unsinkable ship—the one that's in the process of sinking over yonder. 112 years ago this morning, the Titanic plunged to the icy depths of the Atlantic after scraping an iceberg. Today it seems an apt analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible that, because of poor design, shoddy workmanship and an air of arrogance on the part of the people in charge, is sinking because it wasn't looking where it was going and will eventually end up a rusting hulk stuck in the mud and you can't do anything with it but re-arrange the deck chairs. But their grift will go on and on...
CHEERS to the calm before the storms. Last week we highlighted for-profit weather forecasting company AccuWeather's wild Atlantic hurricane season predictions: 20-25 named storms—3 sponsored by Nabisco, 5 sponsored by Nike, and the rest sponsored by various drugs you should ask your doctor if they're right for you because YES, YES, YES THEY ARE EAT FISTFULS OF THEM AND COME BACK FOR MORE!!! Now, with just 48 days to go, the meteorological elves at Colorado State University are out with their 2024 forecast. They're predicting a much more active and La Nina-centric year than last: 23 named storms (up from 13 in 2022) and 11 hurricanes...five of them major. But more important, check now to see if your name is on the 2024 storm list:
Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Francine, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Milton, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sara, Tony, Valerie, and William.
And as I warned you earlier this month: with the exception of William, if a hurricane with your name on it causes any damage, it's up to you to pay for it. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules, I just—[pats baseball bat]—enforce ‘em.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 15, 2014
CHEERS to letters from the C&J mailbag. Sent via treacherous mountainous overpass post:
Dear Pakistan,
Hi! How are you? We're fine here in Maine except for our lunkhead governor and our fickle weather. But at least we're not in Alabama. Ha ha! We enjoy our regional humor.
I'm writing to praise your recent decision to drop murder charges against that nine-month-old baby. While I agree that nine-month-olds can be a handful, we believe they would probably have to be freakishly large, and in possession of considerable dexterity and coordination, to pull off a genuine act of murder. So, good call. (Or as they say in Alabama: "Good call 'yalls." Ha ha. There I go again.)
Sincerely,
BiPM
As always, little hearts dotting all the i's.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to being patriotier than thou. Today is Patriot's Day (yes, that's where the apostrophe goes up here), a commemoration of the skirmishes at Lexington and Concord that sparked our War of Independence 248 years ago. Only three states are flagpinny enough to make it an official holiday—Maine, Wisconsin and Massachusetts.
The big event today is the 128th Boston Marathon. As usual, I'll go out on a limb and predict that the winners will be the secretly-Obama-trained Kenyans unless the nerd from MIT perfects his rocket shoes in time...and someone can achieve the impossible by waking him up before noon. This morning in the C&J breakfast nook: half-off shots of pickle juice.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“It’s an impossible job. The Lord Jesus himself could not write Cheers and Jeers. You just can’t do it.”
—Rep. Troy Nehls
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