Welcome
In the previous POTUS’s naturalization video, he barked out a message about “loyalty” and “assimilation” to new American citizens before heading up to his bedroom for an afternoon of rage-tweeting against immigrants. I like the new guy’s message better:
-
Free advice, newcomers: avoid Republicans. They’re having...issues.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 6, 2021
Note: Today is C&J's annual Random Religious Objection Day. How it works is, you each get to draw one random religious objection from the God Jar and adhere to it all day long. It’s fun! I'll go first. [Draws from God Jar] It says your carbon dioxide exhalation goes against my sincerely-held religious beliefs. See you in court, breathers!
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 16
Percent of Americans polled by AP who approve of President Biden’s job performance: 61%
Minimum number of America’s largest corporations, including FedEx and Nike, that paid no federal taxes last year despite billions of dollars in profits, according to The New York Times: 55
Years since Holland became the first country to legalize same-sex marriage: 20
Number of countries where same-sex marriage is now legal: 28
Estimated number of Maine children who will be lifted out of poverty, thanks to the Democrats' American Rescue Plan: 15,000
Amount Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised in two days during her latest recess—her biggest 48-hour haul ever: $6 million
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, the other puppies are in the kitchen drinkin’ all the beer…
-
CHEERS to jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs. The hills are aliiiiive...with the sound of paychecks! Yes, folks. Though we've still got a ways to go, the Biden recovery rolls on and last week brought more good news. The latest weekly jobless-claims report says first-time unemployment claims are at their lowest month-to-month level since March of 2020, and the previous week's report was revised down by 26,000. Then there's Friday's monthly employment report: a whopping 916,000 jobs created in March and the unemployment rate is at a 13-month low of 6 percent:
The hiring and employment data, released Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, firmly beat economists' predictions of 675,000 positions added. Totals were revised upward for January by 67,000 to 233,000 positions and for February by 89,000 to 468,000.
Sectors critical to economic recovery saw some of the biggest gains: The construction sector added 110,000 jobs, leisure and hospitality posted 280,000 new positions, and bars and restaurants added another 176,000.
The most vulnerable area of employment as of this writing: the Matt Gaetz sector.
JEERS to one big hot mess. Did you hear about this? It's just about the worst thing imaginable. There's a steady leak of toxic sludge pouring through a gaping hole down in Florida—awful radioactive stuff that, if allowed to go unchecked, will turn into an out-of-control gusher that could make the state's already perilous threats (pandemic, rising sea levels, golf cart wars at The Villages) look tame by comparison. Engineers are trying to figure out how to stop the flow of slimy ooze, but the only surefire course of action, of course, is to remove it entirely and dispose of it so that it can never threaten the state like that again. But enough about Governor Ron DeSantis's mouth. Have you heard about the toxic phosphogypsum pond that's about to burst?
CHEERS to little reminders. Forty-one years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. Little-known fact: A Post-It Note will play a central role in archiving our 45th president’s accomplishments at the Donald J. Trump Presidential Grift Shop:
Took Oath. Broke Stuff.
Got impeached twice. Lost. Pouted.
Died. Buried along with his name. Nobody came.
Meanwhile 83 years ago, in 1938, Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. It has saved many a meal...and many a presidency.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to great moments in synthetics. On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic—celluloid—was patented. 152 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. Memo to Sean Hannity: time to order another case—you're sagging again.
CHEERS to following the bouncing balls. Now that the final shots have been made into the—to use Ted Cruz's term—basketball ring, we can now announce the victors in 2021's NCAA greedy money grab posing as wholesome college basketball tournaments. The men's championship belongs to Baylor, and the women of Stanford showed Arizona the business end of a slam dunk...by one point.
And now that this year's March Madness is all over (in April, yes, thank you, we're aware of that), it's time to take the final step: you must now pour your shredded brackets into a bowl and eat them. [Munch Munch Munch…gulp.] We'll speak no more of it.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 6, 2011
JEERS to number crunching…and squishing and squashing and making up altogether. The Republicans unveiled their latest budget yesterday. The cocktail-napkin formula: destruction of social safety net + extraction of America's soul + screw the least among us + bestow gold and jewels on the richest among us – regulation x barely-concealed sadism = a rainbow in every back yard and a unicorn in every garage. But only if you squint hard enough and chew enough peyote.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to 13 years in the winner's circle. It's a well-established fact that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced this week in 2008, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. Every Friday we pluck a gaggle of worthy candidates from the previous seven-day news cycle and affix them to their place of honor on the front page. The candidate who gets the most votes wins. Period. No electoral college here—fuck that.
I can't remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following Republican shitbags with competent and popular Democratic presidents. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2021, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March, which is also a good time to review the slate of accomplishments our 46th president and the first woman vice president have achieved in the wake of an insurrection during a killer pandemic and in spite of unified opposition:
Jan 8 "All of the above" related to the people who thwarted the attempted Republican coup and the Democrats taking control of the Senate.
Jan 15 U.S. Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman, for steering a Republican mob away from the Senate chamber door during the insurrection, buying time and saving lives
Jan 22 All of the above, related to the Biden-Harris inauguration
Jan 29 President Biden: signs massive orders on climate, covid, criminal justice; reverses trans military ban; 56% approval; announces re-opening of Obamacare marketplace; and the dogs have arrived!
-
Feb 5 Team Biden-Harris: Firing Trump's embedded cronies in droves; honors memory of Capitol Police officer Brian Sicknick at Capitol; frees up billions in Puerto Rico aid; and covid response is full steam ahead
Feb 12 The impeachment managers—Reps. Raskin, DeGette, Cicilline, Castro, Swalwell, Lieu, Dean, Plaskett, and Neguse—and their staffs for their devastating January 6 timeline of Trump's insurrection
Feb 19 The glorious nerds at NASA, successfully landing the Perseverance rover near the Jezero Crater on Mars
Feb 26 New York prosecutors, as the Supreme Court deals a catastrophic loss to Donald Trump by green-lighting the handover of his tax returns
-
Mar 5 Team Biden-Harris: speeds up vaccine avail goal by 2 months; invokes war Powers Act to forge Merck/Johnson & Johnson vaccine production alliance; supports Amazon union organizers; approval honeymoon continues in mid-50s
Mar 12 Team Biden-Harris: signs order to expand voter access and election information; 100 million vaccine pledge ahead of schedule; 1st address to nation is a hit; and signs Rescue Plan Act into law
Mar 19 Team Biden-Harris: barnstorms for Rescue Plan Act; now favors talking filibuster; 60%-plus approval; completes 100-million shots in only 58 days; nominates 3 for USPS Board (pack your bags, Louis DeJoy)
Mar 26 Team Biden-Harris: vaccine program kicking butt; aces 1st press conference; extends open-ACA enrollment through August; lowest jobless claims since pandemic began; and the dogs are back!
Biden is certainly coming out of the gate hot, but he's got a ways to go to beat the all-time champ. "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll in 2008, and by the time he left office as president he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. Sorry, George Washington, nothing personal—we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.
Have a winning Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bill in Portland Maine.”
—John Boehner
-