Important Status Update
In light of recent events, Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) is no longer troubled, concerned, upset, bothered, fazed, nonplussed, distressed, uneasy, anxious, pained, perplexed, perturbed, puzzled, or unsettled. Her current status has been elevated to…
“Quite Angry”
Please make a note of it, and prepare to seek emergency shelter. If she becomes "ruffled" she could blow. Thank you for your attention. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 2, 2021
Note: Today's C&J is in English with cloaked subtitles for our Klingon and Romulan readers. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Doughnut Day: 2
President Biden's approval rating, according to a new Harvard CAPS/Harris poll: 62%
Chronological rank of California and Maryland among states achieving 70% of adults with at least one COVID shot: #11, #12
Percent chance that Republicans in the Texas legislature voted on a Sunday to ban Sunday voting: 100%
Amount the top 3 movies collectively made at the box office over the weekend: $71 million
Number of fans at this year's Indy 500: 135,000
Age of CNN as of this week: 41
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 5 incidents of financial unrest and a dozen red-caped Catholic loons locked in a fierce battle for civilization with Kellogg's). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A lesson in Bark 101…
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CHEERS or JEERS to waking up…or not. Good morning! Or bad morning, depending on whether or not the skywatching nerds misjudged the Washington Monument-sized asteroid they call "2021 KT1" and it sliced Planet Earth in two and destroyed our atmosphere, leaving us all little more than globules of goo floating off into space. And here's more good/bad news: there are a bunch more asteroids coming this week that "probably won't" hit us, either:
Six other asteroids, which are basically leftover rocks that are over four billion years old, are also passing by Earth this week. … 63-foot 2021 JW6 will pass on Wednesday, along with 2021 KE1, which is about 53 feet. They will come within about 1.9 million miles and 3.6 million miles of Earth, respectively. Thursday and Saturday bring even more asteroids.
Most asteroids orbit the sun between Mars and Jupiter, but occasionally, their orbital paths are influenced by other planets' gravitational pulls, altering their paths. Scientists believe past stray asteroids colliding with Earth played a major role in the planet's evolution.
On the bright side, I just briefly took your mind off of voter suppression, domestic terrorism, Marjorie Taylor-Greene's latest screed, and catastrophic climate change. And y'know what? You're welcome.
CHEERS to simple acknowledgement. President Biden traveled to Tulsa, Oklahoma yesterday with a simple goal: raise awareness of the massacre of Black Americans by White Americans that occurred there in the Greenwood (aka "Black Wall Street") District after an inexplicable century of erasure from our collective history. Joe spoke plain about the grief of not only the barbarity of the massacre, but the concerted effort on the part of the haters to hide it:
"You can't just choose to learn what we want to know and not what we should know. We should know the good, the bad, everything," Biden said. "That's what great nations do. They come to terms with their dark sides, and we are a great nation. The only way to build common ground is to truly repair and to rebuild. I come here to help fill the silence because in silence wounds deepen."
"The history of what took place here was told in silence, cloaked in darkness. But just because history is silent, that doesn't mean that it did not take place," Biden said. "While darkness can hide much, it erases nothing."
Efforts to locate remains of the victims continue, with some success. No one was ever charged or in any way held accountable for murdering them. America: exceptional nation, my ass.
CHEERS to time savers. 109 years ago today, the newly-invented washer/dryer combo went on sale for the first time. It was promptly followed a few hours later by another milestone: the first teenagers to totally ignore it.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to lots and lots of zeroes. The Biden White House released its first budget just before the long weekend, and it's a six-trillion-dollar whopper:
Biden's first full budget recommendation includes sweeping new proposals he has already introduced, including trillions on infrastructure, free pre-K and community college, and increases to a range of domestic programs aimed at boosting public health and programs for the poor.
"The Budget invests directly in the American people and will strengthen our Nation’s economy and improve our long-run fiscal health," Biden said in a letter to Congress accompanying the proposal. "It reforms our broken tax code to reward work instead of wealth, while also fully paying for the American Jobs Plan and the American Families Plan over 15 years. It will help us build a recovery that is broad-based, inclusive, sustained, and strong." […]
Former President Donald Trump’s final budget…was for $4.8 trillion and included about $2 trillion in cuts to safety net programs, student loan programs and foreign aid while boosting funds for securing the southern border.
Biden is fond of saying, "Show me your budget and I'll show you who you are." I like who our POTUS is. So does this guy:
Let’s do it. Someone pass me your checkbook and a pen.
JEERS to addictive additions. Thirty-six years ago today, The R.J. Reynolds Company (motto: "If it's something you can inhale, we'll take it to retail") proposed a major merger with Nabisco that would create a $4.9 billion conglomerate of food and tobacco products. Which probably explains why 35 years and nine months ago I had to resort to the nicotine patch to wean myself off a sudden addiction to Fig Newtons.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 2, 2011
JEERS to the penultimate journey. The Space Shuttle Endeavour concluded its picture-perfect 16-day mission to and from the Space Station early this morning. Commander Mark Kelly and his crew brought the ol' bird down smooth and gentle, and now the craft will spend retirement with its spouse, a hang glider half its age, at the California Science Center. And that means that there's just one more shuttle adventure: the final flight of Atlantis. Liftoff: July 8. Bring a hankie.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: fearsome yuppie tamer. It's been established here in C&J that we kiddie pool splashers are no fans of Airbnb—or as grog put it so succinctly last week, “fucking Airbnb.” A couple years back the landlord of the three-story apartment building across the street converted the bottom two floors into upscale short-term Airbnb habitats. Every time a new gaggle of burly, bearded 20/30/40-somethings pull up in their $40,000 Sherman tanks disguised as SUVs and haul their luggage, 12-packs, and trophy wives into the place, my blood pressure spikes. But apart from throwing trash bags in the recycle bins (a no-no), they've actually been well-behaved. And now I think I know why. Over the weekend I visited the web page for that building and saw this:
There is a 10 pm noise ordinance and zero tolerance.
The neighbors will call the police.
If the police are called you will be fined $500.
We want you to have a great experience so be respectful!
In the 27 years we’ve lived here, only one person has ever called the police on that building: Me! Billeh! I find it empowering to know that my few ringy-dings to the cops—the last time was over ten years ago, back when the college student tenants were a noisy drunken handful—made such an impression. Although getting whacked 500 bucks for each call would be permanently etched in my memory bank as a landlord, too.
So every time a gaggle of Airbnb'ers ambles up the steps into their temporary digs this summer, I'll know my evil reputation has been seared into their brains. I'll still call the cops if need be, after a cheerful in-person warning. But I'll stop short of making the visitors kiss my ring. For I am a merciful all-powerful crotchety old neighbor. For the moment.
Have a happy humpday...or else. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"If Bill in Portland Maine disappeared tomorrow, I don’t think you’d have many Republicans in the search party."
—Barbara Comstock
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