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Save C&J--Year 3 Update: Wow! In just two days you've contributed $9,000 towards the $25k goal to keep C&J going for another year. We're over a third of the way there---thank you! Details on how to contribute are here. And Mr. Soros? Your check seems to have gotten lost in the mail. (Call me.)
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Generals Meet at Pentagon Vending Machine: 6am
"Gentleman, thank you for gathering on such short notice."
"What's up, Sir?"
"Any 'o you guys know how to do a coup?"
"Oh! Oh! I can: 'Coo! Coo!'"
"No, you idiot! A... A... coup d'etat!"
"You mean like a government takeover?!!"
"Shhhhh! Not so loud. Yes, a government takeover."
"Uhhhh...nope." "Sorry." "Not me." "Nuh uh."
"Shit. Remind me to call West Point and put that on the curriculum."
"We could Google how other countries do coups, Sir. Would that be... Coogling? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Keep it up, Henny Youngman, and see how fast you lose a star!"
"Maybe we could form a task force and develop a strategy!"
"No time! We gotta do this right now...while Obama's in Sweden lobbying for the Olympics!"
"Finland."
"What?"
"He's in Finland, Sir."
"It doesn’t really matt..."
"You sure it's not Norway?"
"Shut up! Just shut...the FUCK...UP!!!"
[CLUNK!!!]
"What the hell was THAT?!!"
"Sorry, general...just buyin' a pack 'o Twizzlers."
"Would SOMEBODY tell me how to do a COUP??!!"
[I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny... when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung...!]
"Sir, it's your phone."
"I know that! Hello? Hello???"
"Good morning, General. It's President Obama."
"Sir! What an...unexpected pleasure! What can I do for you, Sir?"
"Oh, nothing. I just thought I'd call and suggest that the next time you plot a coup based on some silly BS you read in Newsmax, you might want to disconnect the security camera above the candy machine."
"Uhhhh...thank you, sir."
"And General?"
"Yes sir?"
"It's Denmark."
[Click!]
"Care for a Twizzler, General?"
"Oh, shut up."
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 1, 2009
Note: Okay...I sniff mothballs. That gives you the moral support you need to admit it, too. Now we can start the healing process. And by healing process I of course mean Mothball Sniffing Party 8 O'clock my house!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 56
Days `til the Warner Fall Foliage Festival in New Hampshire: 8
Average distance a train can carry a ton of freight on one gallon of fuel: 436 miles
Number of trucks a single freight train takes off the road: 280
(Source: American Association of Railroads via the Portland Press Herald)
Baggage fee revenue for American Airlines in the 2nd quarter of 2008: $37 million
Baggage fee revenue for American Airlines in the 2nd quarter of 2009: $118 million
(Source: USA Today)
Amount Elvis made last year in royalties, merchandising and Graceland revenue: $52 million
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Halliburton, America's #1 oil-services company, is the nation's fifth-largest military contractor and the biggest nonunion employer in the United States. It employs more than 100,000 workers worldwide and does over $15 billion a year. Halliburton under Cheney dealt with several brutal dictatorships, including the despicable government of Burma (Myanmar). The company also played questionable roles in Algeria, Angola, Bosnia, Croatia, Haiti, Somalia and Indonesia. Halliburton also had dealings with Iran and Libya...
No one is ever going to argue that Saddam Hussein is a good guy, but Dick Cheney is not the right man to make the case against him. I have never understood why the Washington press corps cannot remember anything for longer than ten minutes, but hearing Cheney denounce Saddam is truly a "Give us a break" moment.
---September, 2002
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Puppy Pic of the Day: This is excellent news for dog lovers (and, of course, John McCain).
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CHEERS to October. Fall kicks into high gear for leaf-peepers and cider-lovers; we re-open the "Columbus was a hero/Columbus was a genocidal maniac" debate; United Nations Day is the 24th (but don’t tell Gaddafi or he'll come over and launch another rant that causes his translator to jump out a window); Daylight saving time for European Union countries ends on the 25th; and a High Holy Day for gays (and, according to unsubstantiated rumors, small children)---Halloween---looms large. This year I'm once again dressing up as the scariest person I know of to make old and young alike quake in their knickers: President Sarah Palin.
CHEERS to the Howard Beale of the House. Holy cow, where did this mad-as-hell guy come from? Representative (and, as of yesterday, registered Kossack) Alan Grayson of Florida launched a blistering attack on Republican knuckledraggery over health care and he's not letting up:
[T]he Republicans claim they are going to introduce a resolution "disapproving" of my behavior.
What is this, junior high school? Do they think my feelings are hurt? Just what do these people think health care means? It's not some abstract "issue", we're talking about life and death! And the Republicans, who ran the government in full or in part from 2001-2009, chose to let those 44,000 people die, every single year when they were in power. And George W. Bush, whom the Republicans somehow pretend was not President for the last eight years, just let them die. He even vetoed health care for poor children.
So apologize? I don't think so.
That's called going on the attack. That's called offense. That's called rocking the sweaty-lipped minority back on its heels. That's called being proactive instead of reactive. That's called unequivocally making the case. That's called putting two words together that rarely share the same space: "Democratic" and "Whupass." More, please.
P.S. Whaddya bet the Sunday talk show hosts have already lined up a gaggle of Republicans to express their doe-eyed "regret" over Congressman Grayson's "lack of civility?" John McCain's probably already mic'd up and munching on doughnuts in the green room.
CHEERS to James Earl Carter. And Happy 85th birthday to #39. He was stubborn---and too much of a micromanager---during his White House years (plus the hostage crisis and canceling the Olympics didn't help him). But his post-presidency warrants every accolade we can throw his way, especially his swipes at King George the Nincompoop. Today he'll be hosting the grand-reopening of his library and museum. And did you know this?
Willie Nelson once performed at the Carter White House, after which he enjoyed the first family's hospitality by staying over. That night, the country crooner climbed up on the roof, took in a little stargazing, and---while marveling at the way in which the city's streets converged on the executive mansion---lit up what he called a "fat Austin torpedo." Security agents were nowhere to be found. As Nelson insightfully recalled after the experience, "The roof of the White House is the safest place I can think of to smoke dope."
---From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien
As for the piece of birthday cake we're slicing up for him? Let's just say it's an "overwhelming portion." Heh Heh Heh.
CHEERS to friends in brassy places. So, there's this magazine, see. Not one you'd likely find among the offerings at your local dentist or doctor's office, however. No, this is called Joint Force Quarterly, and from what I gather it goes out to the military personnel who have the most stars and other assorted hardware attached to their uniforms. Inside the latest issue is an article---personally reviewed by Joint Chiefs Chairman Mike Mullen before publication---that pretty much discredits any lingering support for 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell':
"After a careful examination, there is no scientific evidence to support the claim that unit cohesion will be negatively affected if homosexuals serve openly," writes Colonel Om Prakash, who is now working in the office of Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates. "Based on this research, it is not time for the administration to reexamine the issue; rather it is time for the administration to examine how to implement the repeal of the ban."
Pretty simple, really. Step 1) Repeal it. Step 2) See Step 1.
JEERS to today's cars. Call me a nostalgic fool, but none of them have the simplicity or the...um...blackness of the Model T, which was introduced 101 years ago today. Cost: $825. Place in automotive lore: priceless.
P.S. What does it say about the modern auto industry when the one car company to go belly-up in recent years---Saturn, as of Tuesday---is the one that broke the mold by basing its reputation on treating customers like family, providing superior service, and eliminating the price-haggling process? I think it says, something is wrong with this picture.
CHEERS to government takeovers of...chemicalcare! Every now and then I get a little chill down my spine---the good kind---when I read about yet another excellent decision by the Obama administration. Like this:
Tens of thousands of chemicals found in everyday items, from toys and cell phones to food containers and medical devices, would face high levels of federal scrutiny and control under a set of guidelines unveiled Tuesday in San Francisco by President Obama's top environmental official [Lisa Jackson].
The effort to rewrite how the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency evaluates and enforces the use of potentially harmful chemicals marks the most significant overhaul of the nation's chemical policies since the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976.
The agency would've made the announcement sooner, but first they had to wake up enforcement officials from their eight-year, Rip Van Winkle-like slumber. (Trimming their beards alone took a week.)
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Five years ago in C&J: October 1, 2004---My First Publicity!
The weird thing is, I sucked back then. Still, it's a nice snapshot from the days when Daily Kos was still a young buck:
"[Cheers and Jeers is] all part of a heady brew that gives the Daily Kos community--they call themselves Kossacks--a bullhorn to be envied. According to Brian Reich, of Mindshare Interactive Campaigns in Boston and a blogger for MSNBC.com, Daily Kos had more than 7 million unique visits last month, nearly 2 million more than Fox News' Web site.
"Markos Moulitsas, aka Kos (rhymes with Morose) says "Cheers and Jeers has become a sort of institution at Daily Kos, repeatedly making the `Recommended Diaries' list and making Bill in Portland a celebrity within the Daily Kos community." Daily Kos's popularity surprises him, Moulitsas says. "One of the unexpected side benefits of the site is the way it has catapulted a bunch of people--Bill in Portland being one of them--into the spotlight. If Daily Kos can continue bringing talented progressive writers to the forefront, then I would count that amongst the site's greatest successes."
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Kossacks at the keyboard. Last night's duet by Vince Gill and Emmylou Harris on The Jay Leno Show started with a close-up of a pair of hands ticking the ivories. And I'm thinking to myself, "I've seen those knuckles before...but where?" Then it hit me. That's Great Orange Satanist JNHOBBS!!! So I started jumping up and down and then I threw open the window and started yelling, "Hobbs is on Leno! Hobbs is on Leno!" And then I ran outside and set fire to a bunch of cars and robbed the Burger King across the street. So that's why I'm blogging this morning from Cellblock C. Anyway, if NBC's software is functional this morning, you can watch it here. It was great---but I wish Vince and Emmylou hadn’t interrupted John so often with words.
Have a nice Thursday. Explore your artistic side. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Researchers at functional MRI research facility Mindsign Neuromarketing, based in San Diego, California, scanned the brain activity of a subject while she read Cheers and Jeers. Analyzing the data from the scan, they were able to pinpoint the exact moments when her brain was lit up with fear.
---CNN
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