A couple of days ago, I wrote a diary about the link between homophobia, bullying and social rejection, and their roles in the increase in suicides amongst GLBT teens. Bullying and homophobia both play a large role in social rejection. I also discussed what types of homophobia play into this phenomena. Today, I will discuss positive coping mechanisms one can deploy to counteract this cycle of hate and bigotry. With hard work and effort, we can stop the vicious cycle. It wont be easy, the journey will be rough and bumpy, but it is possible to stop the bleeding. We must all work at it.
We live in a heterocentric society. The evidence is all around us. Most of us wont even bat an eye at a man and a woman kissing on in public, but god forbid a woman and woman or man and man kissing, holding hands, or otherwise being intimate in public. Heads turn, eyebrows raise, whispering ensues. Why is it that it is acceptable for a man and a woman to show affection in public, but when a couple of the same sex shows affection, people get uncomfortable? Well, I say its because the society we live in makes it acceptable for people of the opposite sex to be affectionate, and not acceptable for people of the same sex. Now, I understand that some people are not okay with PDA at all, which is fine, of course. I understand being uncomfortable with anyone showing affection. The difference is that there are a lot of people out there that don't care about straight couples loving each other in public, but will speak up when GLBT couples do. I think that this is highly representative of our heterocentric society.
There is a concerted effort by some straight folks to force homosexuality to the periphery of their consciousness. They don't want to know about it, or hear about it, or talk about it, and yet those same heterosexual people feel perfectly alright in speaking about their own partner in public, because to them "straight" folks are no big deal. Once again, more evidence of our heterocentric society.
These factors can really make GLBT people feel as if they are second class citizens, because there are societal taboos on their behavior. They don't feel free to be who they are, so the repress it. They shove it down, keep it to themselves, because they don't want to "offend". This can have extreme effects on the personality. When someone isn't allowed to be themselves in a society that they consider themselves a part of, they feel rejection, and as we know, rejection plays a role in these suicides.
The first step one can take to help these teens survive homophobia, is simply create get rid of these inherent double standards within themselves. If you have no problem with straights kissing and showing PDA, and you have a problem with GLBT couples doing the exact same thing, then it is time to reassess your position.
This, of course, is just a small portion of the equation, but an important one none-the-less.
The next thing you can do to help make our society less hostile to GLBT's is speak up and out against homophobia in all of its incarnations. There is nothing that will make a person feel more accepted in society than an ally. The power of the defender can be very real. As a straight person, whenever I hear the word "faggot" or "queer" I speak up. I tell the person who said it that it isn't acceptable to be hostile to GLBT's in my presence, and if they can't accept that, then don't talk to me. Simple as that.
This may be a small act, to you. But to someone who is gay or lesbian, or questioning or bi, or transgendered, it could have meant the difference between killing themselves and living.
I remember when I was a young boy, my mom and her partner Rosanne were holding hands in Food 4 Less, and we we're happily going about our shopping. A couple of people came up to them and starting accosting them for holding hands in public, stuff like "I don't care about your lifestyle, just don't let me see it", "You're going to hell", "God doesn't approve" blah blah blah.
The cashier, who had been listening to this conversation for a few minutes, finally decided to speak up. "Either you stop, or I don't scan your groceries. Who are you to tell these people that they can't be themselves?" I remember the look on my mom's face. She was flabbergasted that someone had finally stepped up and defended her against these vicious attacks. She had been made fun of lots of times for being a lesbian, but this was the first time that anyone had ever come to her defense. She was so used to fighting this battle alone.
I remember a remarkable change in my mom's demeanor after that. Generally, my mom and Rosanne wouldn't hold hands or show affection in public, for fear that they would no longer be accepted in polite society. After that incident, my mom and Rosanne actually seemed proud of who they were, and held hands proudly wherever they went.
This may seem small, but to my mom, and our family it was huge. It was like someone had finally acknowledged our right to exist and be a family. A weight had lifted off our collective shoulders.
It wasn't that someone validated my mom and Rosanne's relationship, its just that nobody had ever defended us before. Nobody had ever shown the slightest bit of concern when my mom decided
Perhaps, if we all make a concerted effort to squash bigotry and homophobia, more people would be proud of who they are, instead of repressing it, driving them closer and closer to suicide.
As a parent, there are things that can be done to fight homophobia as well. Creating an environment where your child is free to talk about his or her problems is essential, I think, to preventing some of these negative thoughts. Social factors play a large role in these thoughts of suicide developing, but familial rejection or neglect can be just as awful if not worse for these kids. The key is to create an comfortable and relaxed environment where your children can come and talk to you about their problems without fear of reprisal, rejection, consequences, or mockery. This is integral to fighting depression.
If a child doesn't have a place to go with these negative emotions, eventually they are simply internalized. As a parent, you should be keenly aware of this, and changes in your child's mood or behavior. Another thing you can do as a parent to help prevent these suicides is just be aware of the behaviors that indicate suicidal thoughts or actions. Some of these include:
* Extreme personality changes
* Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable
* Significant loss or gain in appetite
* Difficulty falling asleep or wanting to sleep all day
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
* Withdrawal from family and friends
* Neglect of personal appearance or hygiene
* Sadness, irritability, or indifference
* Having trouble concentrating
* Extreme anxiety or panic
* Drug or alcohol use or abuse
* Aggressive, destructive, or defiant behavior
* Poor school performance
* Hallucinations or unusual beliefs
(from The National Alliance on Mental Health)
Being aware of these behavioral changes can really be helpful in discerning if your teen or student is suicidal or not.
Fighting bullying is another way that we can ensure that the suicides begin to stop. In my diary Homophobia, Bullying, Teen Suicides, and the Big Picture I define bullying this way:
Bullying is a form of abuse in which the bully tries to create an "imbalance of power", where the target of the bullying has no control over the situation, and the bully becomes more powerful. Bullying can take many forms -- emotional, physical, verbal, and viral. Bullying can be done in groups, or one on one directly. Bullying is a logical extension of homophobia, in which repeated emotional or physical harassment devalues an individual much to the elation of the bully. Bullying can reinforce internalized homophobia, thus lowering the individuals self esteem even further. One of the newest forms of bullying, viral bullying, is much like what we saw in the case of Tyler Clementi where the bully uses the internet and social networking websites to humiliate and defame the target. All of these can have an exponential effect on an already fragile emotional state.
Bullying is a phenomena that a lot of kids experience day to day, but when combined with homophobia, it has a stacking effect. Eliminate the bullying, and the homophobia (which we may never be able to eliminate) seems a bit more bearable.
So, what can we do to eliminate bullying? First, like homophobia, make sure you speak up when you see it. Neighborhood kids making fun of the nerd? Say something. You see a bully picking on a transgendered teen? Say something. See a group of bullies playing "smear the queer". Say something. It can all have an effect. You have the power to stop this with your words.
Another thing that can be done as parent to help stem the tide of bullying is take your child's complaint seriously. Make sure that your child's school and teachers know that this is happening to them. Make sure that your child has a way to anonymously complain about bullying and have something be done about it. Establish a communication link with the principal and vice principal at your child's school, and if your child is being bullied, make sure they know about it. Request that your child's school do a seminar on bullying and how to stop it.
The best advice that I can give to a parent, as a child who was subjected to homophobic bullying, is just be there for them. Be a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with. Seriously just be a parent. Thats what helped me through my bullying, my mom was there and emotionally available. Make sure you are too.
I am quite sure that there are more ways to help stop the suicides, but I am one man. If you have suggestions or resources you can provide about bullying or homophobia, feel free to post them here. If you have a personal story, you can post it here too. Perhaps your experiences might help someone who is going through the exact same thing.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Update 1
Some interesting thoughts from AndyS in Colorado
The stereotypes enabled by hetrocentrism (0+ / 0-)
are things I alternately find hilarious and appalling, also.
And, it affects straight people in a bad way just as much as LGBT people.
Every straight man who would be ashamed to be beaten, say, in a boxing match by a gay man -- that's heterocentrism.
Every person who thinks that gay men are into hairdressing and home decorating and assume that they cannot be comfortable in a locker room or playing a war game or be just as effective in combat in the case of DADT is suffering heterosexism.
Connecting our masculinity or femininity to our sexual orientation damages straight people in ways that are just as deleterious but at the same time ephemeral and hard to quantify.
How many straight men are for example afraid to show affection to their male friends on account of being fearful of being "thought" to be gay?
How many straight students are homophobically beat up and abused in school because, due to this connection between affect and orientation?
The problem is, this gets into issues of not only homophobia, but misogyny as well. There is no connection between masculinity and being a gay male and no connection whatsoever between femininity and being a lesbian. And so much of our societal discomfort around THESE issues of relative masculinity and femininity and the perceived good and bad of THAT is subsumed into the sexual orientation debate.
As to people with those issues -- maybe it's time, to use a phrase, to get off the cross -- someone else needs the wood.
"When in doubt, be ruthless" - Ferengi saying (-6.62, -6.26)
by AndyS In Colorado on Sat Nov 20, 2010 at 11:28:24 PM PST
Amen.