From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Happy Birthday, I-X!
On December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. For the benefit of Rick Perry and people like him who can't keep lists of more than two items in their head, let's review:
I. You can say anything you want except "Fire!" in a crowded theatre or "Let's elect Michele Bachmann President" in a room full of people with functioning brains; you can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting like a dick, but only between 8am and 8pm Monday through Friday and 9am and 4pm on weekends. (Wisconsinites: don't forget to pay Gov. Walker his "assembly fee" before you gather.); the press has total freedom, except where riot police are evicting peaceful protesters from a public place with pepper spray, bulldozers, rubber bullets, sound-wave cannons, concussion grenades, dogs, lasers, tasers and/or clubs, in which case IT NEVER HAPPENED.
Special Bonus: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except during prayers in Congress and invocations at inaugurations and at the end of any presidential speech, and also in the Pledge of Allegiance and on your money and...oh, never mind.
II. Guns---Fuck Yeah! (…and bazookas, too, right? Right!)
III. You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But if they're offering to clean the place, come on in!
IV. No searches and seizures without a warrant unless the information is gathered via a government-approved, immunized telecommunications company which is paid via your tax dollars to suck up all your communications like a vacuum cleaner and spit it out at the NSA, where an agent will sort through it all, especially your "secret" cache of porn, for which he thanks you kindly.
V. The amendment to invoke when you've been naughty.
VI. We Americans have an ironclad, unshakable and inviolable right to a trial by a jury of our peers. Or, y'know, maybe not.
VII. What? Two jury amendments in a row? I'm losing interest in your list, founders.
VIII. No cruel or unusual punishment shall be authorized by anyone except whoever happens to become America's 20th Republican Vice President.
IX. If the score is tied after nine amendments, we go into extra innings.
X. States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the "sore loser" amendment.
To quote James Madison: "Eh...they'll do in a pinch."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 15, 2011
Note: Dreidles in the southern hemisphere spin counterclockwise. Film at 11.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Netroots Nation 2012 in providence: 175
Days `til the New Year's Eve Ghost Tour of Philadelphia: 16
Proportion of the total U.S. population in the armed forces during W.W. II: 8.7%
Proportion of the total U.S. population in the armed forces during the post-9/11 wars: 0.5%
(Source: Time)
Rank of Livonia (MI), Orlando and Las Vegas among cities with the most speed traps: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Nat'l Motorists Assoc. via USA Today)
Number of people who will buy, respectively, a real or artificial tree for the holidays this year: 21.6 million / 12.9 million
Average cost of a real and artificial tree, respectively: $46 / $78
(Source: Nielsen)
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Here's to all the Americans on both sides of this year's unusually peppy fights over the allowability of religious symbols on public property. This annual battle, in which the American Civil Liberties Union strives once more to make itself as popular as the Grinch, is over the part of the First Amendment that says the government cannot sponsor religion. I always liked what former Gov. Ann Richards said when informed there were demands that the large star on top of the state capitol come down. "Oh, I'd hate to see that happen," she drawled. "This could be the only chance we'll ever have to get three wise men in that building."
---December, 2004
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: "O sole miiiiiiioooooo….!"
-
CHEERS to December 14, 2011. So, what did you do today, honey? Oh, nothing much. Woke up, shaved, enjoyed a blueberry muffin, ended the Iraq war, got the limo washed…y'know, the usual:
THE PRESIDENT AT FORT BRAGG: "Today, I’ve come to speak to you about the end of the war in Iraq. Over the last few months, the final work of leaving Iraq has been done. Dozens of bases with American names that housed thousands of American troops have been closed down or turned over to the Iraqis. Thousands of tons of equipment have been packed up and shipped out. Tomorrow, the colors of United States Forces-Iraq -- the colors you fought under -- will be formally cased in a ceremony in Baghdad. Then they’ll begin their journey across an ocean, back home. … Iraq’s future will be in the hands of its people. America’s war in Iraq will be over.
AUDIENCE: Hooah!
Welcome home, troops, and thank you for your service. Meanwhile, John McCain is, of course, really mad about the end of the war in Iraq. After eight years he'll have to start taking Viagra again.
CHEERS to the gift that keeps on giving. It's been cool watching the domino effect in the Daily Kos Subscription nag-a-thon. A lot of anonymous donors. A lot of recipients paying it forward by signing up others. And lots of nice diaries and comments about what a gloriously weird little patch of interspace real estate we choose to squat (and squee and squabble) on. The most up-to-date info is in Dr. Erich Bloodaxe RN's diary, if you'd like to sign someone up or add your name to the list. Rumor has it that an upcoming benefit will be a free membership in Kos's marmalade-of-the-month club. And he'll expect it to be delivered to his door by the first of the month, so get marmalading, people.
P.S. I also got word last night that the elves at Netroots Nation are dropping their 2012 convention (Providence, RI) registration fee to $195 for two days only---that's $40 off the current price. Click here.
CHEERS to badgers with bullhorns. Big announcement today at noon in Wisconsin, and the scuttlebutt (huhhuh…he said butt) is that enough signatures have been gathered---although not by a comfortable enough margin yet---to put the recall of Gov. Scott Walker-Koch on the ballot. That'll be a helluva thing, huh---Madison will erupt in teh happy dance. Now, here's the question of the day: if Walker gets booted next year, will the Koch brothers be able to write off their investment in Walker as a business loss when they pay their taxes? Ha! Trick question: they never pay taxes.
JEERS to Doughboy and the Seven Dweebs. Newt, Mitt, Michele, Jon, Ron, Rick, Rick and the invisible candidate known as Nunuvthee Above will spar tonight in Iowa. And I wrote a little ditty to the tune of Hello Dolly:
Hello…Goopers. Well hello…Goopers.
It's so nice to have you back where you belong.
You'll be on Fox…Goopers. Wear your socks…Goopers.
You're still hazy, you're still crazy, Newt still…wears a thong.
I'll hear your bile…spewing. And the crowd…booing.
At the open gays who serve in uniform. So…
Have a ball Goopers! You'll be crushed big next fall, Goopers!
Then you can sulk in Uzi-bek-bek-stan!
Starts at 9. Jed will be liveblogging the debate. I'll be liveblogging reruns of Petticoat Junction.
P.S. Sorry to have to report this, but the Trump debate/chat with NEWT GINGRICH AND (rick santorum) has been cancelled. But let's not forget that the actual sponsor was Newsmax, which Trump praised as "very powerful, very powerful." Not powerful enough, apparently.
CHEERS to clear-thinking. On December 15, 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that gay people are not "mentally ill." But they still officially maintain that being a Log Cabin Republican is "just weird."
JEERS to Republican obstruction as usual. Hey, kids, what time is it? If it's mid-December that means it's GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN THREAT TIME!!! Yes, Republicans in Congress are being complete dicks again, and that, of course, means more chest thumping and cliff diving in their pursuit of whittling their approval rating all the way down to zero. By god, I think they might just pull it off this time.
-
Five years ago in C&J: December 15, 2006
JEERS to killing the "Goddess of the Yangtze." I'm sad to report that, thanks to "overfishing, dam-building, environmental degradation, and ship collisions," the beautiful Chinese river dolphin is now functionally extinct. In recognition of the feat, the human race will receive a special lifetime achievement award at next year's International Parasite Conference.
JEERS to headlines as punchlines. Nothing we say can top this from World Net Daily: Soy is making kids gay. Like I said...nothing.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to perilous playthings. The Cheers and Jeers Public Safety Commission is out with its annual list of the most dangerous toys for children. Included this year:
Ho Ho Ho! You've been warned.
Have a nice Thursday. Shop 'til ya conquer ze vorld. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Just remember, the higher Bill in Portland Maine climbs on a pole, the more you can see his butt.”
---David Axelrod
12/13/11
-