Not since the spontaneous combustion of Peter "James" Bond, a drummer for Spinal Tap, have we encountered such a bizarre spectacle. Republican presidential nominees have been bursting out all over -- in flames. Some physicists speculate that this new rash of mysterious events results from a strange quirk in quantum mechanics that only allows so many lying right-wing politicians in so much sub-atomic space.
When a space reaches it maximum capacity, the next unit (i.e., lying right-wing politician) in that space to utter a lie is shifted to another dimension. To those of us in this area of dimensional space, the shift makes it look like the person being transported spontaneously combusted. Here is the sad news so far.
The first to suffer this fate was Texas Governor Rick Perry who shifted during a rally in which he indicated that as soon as his family leased their hunting camp, they changed the camp's name and painted over the offensive name of camp, N*head, painted on the rock across from its entrance.
Herman Cain shifted when a major supporter accosted him in a restaurant and asked about his extra-martial affairs. The unidentified and attractive young woman dining with Mr. Cain was uninjured.
Newt Gingrich left this dimension when he was touting his support for family values. Gingrich's body mass and the intensity of his lie are rumored to have scorched the lectern and actually turned one side of his companion John Boehner's face tan, rather than orange.
Some candidates have mysteriously escaped this phenomenon. Analysts speculate that Ron Paul is safe because he truly believes the crazy shit he says. They also believe that Michele Bachmann is safe because she has such a tenuous grasp on reality that she can't tell the difference between the truth and a lie.
In an interesting turn of events. Mitt Romney is said to be learning sign language. This is not his attempt to garner votes among the differently-able. He plans to sign all his statements to an interpreter, a non-politician located a minimum of 32 feet from the ex-Governor, who will then speak his words to the audience.
Politicians all across the nation wait on pins and needles, with fire extinguishers near by, to see if this phenomenon continues.
On a more serious note, scientists at Cal Tech are seeking a multimillion dollar grant to evaluate this process as a potential, new source of continually renewable energy.
Sat Dec 31, 2011 at 12:35 PM PT: NEWS FLASH: Republican Rick Santorum just burst into flames at a meeting of Opus Dei when he indicated that liberalism's moral relativism and cult of privacy were among the causes of pedophilia among Catholic clerics.