"Angels are ill-equipped. I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll."
It has come to my attention that a certain controversy exists surrounding certain words for sex parts used in a certain derogatory fashion.
As for me, it's really not all that controversial or complicated; seeing as how the closer to the actual sex organ, for either sex, the worse the meaning of the word is taken to be. Notice how "boobs" and "sweatymannipples1993" denote someone merely silly, at most a bit stupid; whereas "dick" and "pussy" both denote far worse defects of character.
Personally, I've always found much more vexing the fact that certain words that are innocuous to us, are dirty in other languages and cultures. Therefore, in Hispanic countries you must be careful not to use the word leche in certain contexts and tones; and my English hairstylist takes one look at my Wet Willie water bottle from K-State, and warns me never to get caught in the UK with that.
OMG, what words will they corrupt next?!
Speaking of the UK, this is a country where sometimes the C word* is indeed a term of endearment... yes, Ms. President.
*WARNING: clicking on this link will take you to a video of 1 minute, 42 seconds of nothing but the C word.
Let's look at my screen name: Lucy Montrose. An obviously female name. But how can you be absolutely sure I'm really a woman, unless I've told you I am?
This, after all, is the Internet; and no self-respecting netizen ever goes without their pseudonym. This is a world where employers are extra touchy about promoting their company brands and making sure their employees are a nice, harmonious, cohesive, Kumbaya-singing unit, after all. And I don't want my real name to be out there, in case I get fired because I say Harley and my boss says Ducati. No, that's Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 going around not resembling the boss, and therefore not relating to them. Or Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu. Or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Whatever, it ain't lil' ol' Lucy Montrose.
Just call it Llanfair P.G. for short. (Courtesy of 50-degrees-north.blogspot.com)
But anyway, back to genderedness of names, and how because of the basic facts of the Internet and its citizens, they may in fact be less reflective of actual gender than you think. Peggy agrees with me, 100%:
"You are tenacious like bull. I like!"
But if I am, in fact, male (or as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll), then I may be defeating myself by using a female name. There's actually been some research attesting to this, proving not only that female screen and chat names
generate more threats and sexual suggestiveness, but that blogging under a female name
itself generates less positive attention and clicking than blogging under a male name. And, of course, why would I want to willingly inflict the good old "he's ambitious; she's a bitch"
double standard on myself, unless I were an actual woman to begin with? Right?
Right?
Perhaps I should become Lucien Montrose? ... But that's just so French. Besides, what "Montrose" means in French is "pink mountain". Egads! Pink?!! Even if I am a woman, I wouldn't like pink!
And not only that! -- "Lucien" was also the name of George Rekers' rent boy.
Actually, I think assholes should be called "Gordons". Why? For starters, just look at Mr. Ramsay here:
Uncle Fester in the Addams Family movie was known by another name, to his adoptive mother Elizabeth Wilson, who uses him to infiltrate the Addamses and steal their property... what would that name be? Ah, yes! Gordon.
And Hintz on this side of the pond, and Brown on the other side of it... both men are on our side politically, but neither exactly has a reputation for being a cuddly, fluffy bunny. So that settles it! You assh-- whoops, I mean, you Gordon.
Likewise, I think "bitches" should instead be called "Mirandas". Once again, there's a wealth of evidence in favor of this. Miranda Priestly from "The Devil Wears Prada" (even though Meryl almost softened her edge too much). Miranda from Mrs. Doubtfire, the stricter and more uptight of the two parents, who of course is always the EVIL and MEAN parent. Even Miranda Cosgrove, who plays the just-about-insufferable grade grubber Summer in School of Rock (at least, that is, until she's made the band manager and learns how to channel that properly).
The moon Miranda is one bitchin' heavenly body. ©Wikipedia
No offense, of course, if your name just happens to be Gordon or Miranda. Srsly, you fucking donkeys. ... Whoops again! I just said, FUCKING DONKEYS. What the blazes am I doing, promoting bestiality on this site?!?!
"And I don't mean Democrat!"
But anyway, since this whole controversy is about insults and whether they pack some offensive meta-meaning, I have to pipe up and say: why don't we dispense with using body parts at all to describe the unpleasantness of one another's character. We have a whole new laundry list of creative, imaginative insults to play with, thanks to a certain unapologetic seven-gram rock-banger:
"This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth."
"I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon."
"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children."
"... at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process."
"... directing my gaze to their silly and sad, legless and dying heartbeats.”
"Can slabs of jaundiced gorilla pelts fill the plates of those clowns and nabobs."
"Less Than Goonves. Part scoundrel. Part my hair to the side."
"... the rotting cheeseboard covered in the mold of their moral dysentery."
"Shame on you, you much-shorter-than-average fool. ... Must really suck being you. The pulp of fiction suits you well."
"Hiya, Chuckie Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism? Your greed? Your hatred of yourself or women? I see you behind your desperate desire to be liked."
Wow. I'm floored. I haven't seen this much creativity in invective since Shakespeare!
Dawkins bless you, Charlie! You've changed my rhetorical life forever... * sniff *
So, when it all comes down to it... don't call me a pussy. Don't call me a dick.
But please, do, just call me:
And thank you bhonpoo for your diary on this subject too.