"HAIRSPREE, or the DEMON BARBER of CRANBROOK,"
a Musical based on Mitt Romney's School Days
Act I, Scene 1. Setting: The Quad of Crambrute Academy, a preparatory school for the young gentry.
Enter
Mitt Romney, with his boon companions
Chumley Baubles and
Biff Breivik, singing their school song, "Dear Old Crambrute":
Dear old Crambrute, here we raise
Songs to thy eternal praise!
We're your scions ever true,
One percenters through and through.
Tho' we doze through all our classes,
We shall rule the greasy masses!
Crambrute, how...we...love...you!
(The boys pair off with Ann, Miffy, and Squiffy, three little maids from Miss Cliquish's School for Subdebs. They dance.)
(Curtain)
Act I, Scene 2: In Crambrute Academy's Raytheon Hall
Romney: Oh, look, here comes beloved old Professor Purblind ... Watch this, men. Oh, professor! Let me assist you! (snicker)
Professor Purblind: (taking his arm) Thank you, young sir! You're a gentleman and a scho--OW! (walks bang into an oaken door, stumbles offstage holding a bloody nose)
(The Boys convulse with laughter, pounding Mitt on the back.)
Baubles: Gasp! Romney you are the SHIT!
Breivik: That was BOSS! Whoa, here comes that commie kid with the long hair!
Romney: His hair is just wrong. It offends my moral sense. Gimme those scissors. (Runs offstage, then reappears chasing Longhaired Boy across the stage)
Longhaired Boy: Help!
Baubles and Breivik: (sing)
"Where's that Longhair?" (to the tune of "Tiger Rag")
Where's that longhair, where's that longhair, where's that longhair,
where's that longhair,
Hold that longhair, hold that longhair, hold that longhair, hold that longhair,
Clip that mop, Never stop, Chop chop chop...
(Romney returns from offstage with a hank of hair.)
Baubles and Breivik: Shave and a haircut, six bits!
Romney: I'll be the Barber, pay me! (peals of hearty, boyish laughter)
(A harp glissando)
Romney : To bully ... or not to bully ... That's no question! (sings)
"The Bully Song"
I'm the Bully of Crambrute Academy
I pick on the weak and the small,
Any freak with long hair that looks bad to me -
I bully them, bully them all!
I bully by night
Because it's my right;
I bully by day
Because it's my way!
If they whine to the Dean,
My Dad OWNS that old queen,
And the whiners just slink awaaaay,
And I'm back with a smack the next day!
CHORUS:
I'm the Bully of Crambrute Academy
I pick on the weak and the small,
And the geek with the skinny anatomy -
I bully them, bully them all!
VERSE 2
I bully the brainy,
'Cause thinking is zany,
I bully the wimps
And the gimps with the limps,
And if they press charges,
We just shower largesse
Till charges all melt awaaaay,
And I kick their wimp ass the next day!
(CHORUS sung by Romney, Baubles and Breivik)
We're the Bullies of Crambrute Academy
We pick on our social inferiors,
And if you mopes think that is sad to see
You can kiss our patrician posteriors!
We bully by night and we bully by day
We bully the long, short and tall -
We'll bully you too, so GET OUT OF OUR WAY!
We'll bully you, bully you ALL!
(Curtain)
Act II, Scene 1. Dean Hugo Heisenberg's office.
(Enter Longhaired Boy, Dean Heisenberg, Professor Schroedinger, Romney, Baubles and Breivik)
Dean Heisenberg: Now, what's all this monkey business?
Longhaired Boy: Dean Heisenberg, Mitt Romney beat me up and cut off my hair!
Baubles: Horsefeathers! It was an accident.
Breivik: He did it to himself. The lowdown rat.
Romney: (with an injured air) It seems that I'm the victim here.
Longhaired Boy: Professor Schroedinger, it happened right in front of you!
Professor Schroedinger: Sure it did, but on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
Dean Heisenberg: Well! Since I can't be certain, case dismissed!
Romney, Baubles and Breivik: Three cheers for good Dean Heisenberg! Hip hip, hooray! (to Longhaired Boy) We'll catch ya later, "Buzz!"
(Curtain)
Act II, Scene 2. Beneath the bleachers, in the moonlight.
Romney: Ann! Will you go to the Harvest Dance with me?
Ann: I...I can't, Mitt. I heard about you playing "barbershop" the other day. Why don't you grow up? You should be thinking about amassing a huge fortune, not playing harmless schoolboy pranks! Besides, I'm pinned to the son of a billionaire right now. I couldn't break faith with the son of a billionaire.
Romney: (earnestly) Ann, some day that boy will thank me for the haircut I gave him! And Ann...I solemnly promise you that one day I, too, will have a billion dollars!
Ann: (gaily) Call me up when you do! (she runs off)
Romney: If I could only figure out the way to her heart...(sings)
"How Can I Reach Her?"
I'm underneath a bleacher,
Wondering how to reach her...
How can I reach her?
I'm asking the stars
Does she want roses
Or platinum bars?
How can I woo her?
Oh, Moon up above,
Should I offer lucre
Or all of my love?
How high would I aspire?
I'd lev'rage the Milky Way
Pump its net worth up higher,
And dump all my shares next day
(to win you)
But will I win her?
The Moon doesn't say -
So I'll just keep sighing,
And hoping, and trying,
And maybe I'll reach her
Some day.
(Curtain)
Act II, Scene 3. In Crambrute's GM Gymnasium.
(Romney, Baubles, and Breivik are burning the contents of a ballot box in a wastebasket.)
Breivik: That was a killer idea, getting old Dean Heisenberg to let US count the ballots! Now Mitt'll be Class President, by a landslide!
Baubles: And I'll be Class Treasurer and you'll be Class Vigilante, Biff!
Breivik: (with emotion) I love this school. I've been expelled from dozens—the Baird School, the Ashcan School, Meatcliff, Choate, Bunker Hill Military Academy, Hogwarts, Lowood, St. Paul's, St. Trinian's, Dotheboys Hall, Starfleet Academy, and even Sweet Valley High—but as God is my witness, I'll never be booted again.
Romney: You can take that to the bank! AND stick with me, and you'll never set foot in an Induction Center either! It's Deferments-a-Go-Go for me and my pals!
But seriously, fellas, it's not just the Class Presidency I'm thinking about. When Ann turned me down, I took a long, hard look at myself, and I realized there's more to life than just pushing some little skeeze around. I could be pushing millions of skeezes around and making millions doing it! Now I have a dream. Today—Crambrute. Tomorrow—after I make my first billion—the White House! My vision is nothing less than TO MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FOR PLUTOCRACY! Hear me out. (sings)
"PLUTOCRACY"
In days of old, peasants did as they were told
And looked up to their betters!
Then some gol-darn Reds mixed up their heads
And made 'em act like diff'rent critters.
Nowadays the Very Rich are in such a fix,
I'd like to go back to eighteen eighty-six!
When J. D. Rockefeller walked down the street,
He'd give the mopes a dime to hear 'em holler "Sweet!"
When the world was safe for PLUTOCRACY!
When Leland Stanford owned the Golden State
God was in his heaven and life was great!
And the world was safe for PLUTOCRACY!
The Guv'ment lived on bended knee
To guys like Pullman and Carnegie
If those boys had a little labor trouble
Troops would swarm in on the double,
And just mow down those dumb ingrates,
And there were plenty more Wops and Micks to take their place!
- Wops and Micks and Bohunks to take their place!
Robber Barons rakin' money into giant stacks,
And no one ever heard of any income tax!
A Plutocrat could hold on to all of his loot,
And give his providers of services the boot!
So that's my vision boys, the world that ought to be -
If we just go back to the last century,
When life was sweet for guys like you and me,
And the world was safe for PLUTOCRACY!
Romney: Well, that's my dream, boys. And some day it'll come true.
Baubles: I'm breathless. A dream so immense, I can't take it in all at once.
Breivik: Man oh man. Just mowed 'em down, huh? Count me IN.
Ann: (rushing in) Mitt! Oh, Mitt! I overheard your lovely vision and I understand! I know now why you cut that boy's hair, too. Our kind of people must show those others who's the boss! With a bold firm whip hand! We have rights. And if we have a right to do something, then it's wrong not to do it. Oh, Mitt, how could I ever doubt you? I've taken off Thurston's pin. Ugh! (throws it in the trashbin)
Romney: (taking her in his arms) Ann, with you by my side, I know that I am capable of ... anything! (sings)
Now that I've won you,
I'll win the world too,
And bring home a billion
For you.
(Curtain)
~ THE END ~
5:40 PM PT: With thanks to cassandracarolina and the late, great S.J. Perelman.