Brontosaurus romneii, fresh from a hypercaffeinated Gish Gallop across our collective consciousness, seems to have energized others aging Caucasiasaurs to emerge from their lairs. These creepy Cretaceous critters are now running wild and roaring their antedeluvian pronouncements with faux ferocity. Their walnut-sized brains are fairly humming with excitement over their last chance to reclaim their domination over females and species with alternative coloration, and all others who fail to live up to their dinos-dystopian vision.
Written off as exctinct, we now have GEsaurus jackwelchii looming large with outrageous claims that the Chicagosaurs have carried out some saurian sleight-of-claw in manipulating the Unemployment Petroglyphs. Armed with nothing but his curious bird-like voice and one-time fossil street cred, this long-time job assassin reprised his role as business savant, reminding us that fossils should remain in the fossil record where they belong. In the meantime, expect this reanimated corporasaur to bedevil us a while longer.
Next up: Sununusaurus cubanii, a sarcastic, bombastic Bloviasaur, spewing thinly-veiled racist insults and slurs against Obamasaurus Rex. No simple canid-whistles, these outbursts were targeted to the home frequencies of the Baggasaurs in particular, but on a wide enough spectrum to be clear to all sentient beings. In the natural world, this odious beast would have been worth only its BTU value. Now, sadly, it has reclaimed the airwaves, reminding all who listen of the perils of remaining in the spotlight past one's evolutionary shelf-life.
Another escapee from the evolutionary scythe is throwback Kansasaurus toddakinii. This filthy piece of flotsam on the Great Inland Sea espouses viewpoints devoid of scientific fact and rich in loathing for females of his species. In any biologically-correct universe, females would in fact have found "some way to shut that whole thing down" and consigned this Jurassic jackass to extinction many years ago. Instead, emboldened by the support of other dystopasaurs, this fossil fiend roars on, at least for another month, when he will be consigned to the tar pits of history by (gasp) a female.
Paleontologists and theoretical physicists gasped at the utterances of Georgiasaurus paulbrounii from, of all places, the House Science, Space and Technology Committee. G. paulbrounii announced that evolution, embryology, the Big Bang theory, and other accepted scientific concepts were "lies straight from the pit of hell", a place where he has held box seats for quite some time. This Cretaceous miscreant claims that the Earth was formed last Tuesday and that fossils were placed in rocks by the Devil. For his part, the Devil opined that G. paulbrounii was placed on Earth to lead humans astray. Film at 11:00.
Lest we forget, Stegasaurus newtii, unable to grasp that the Grim Reaper has indeed called his number, lumbers on, dispensing un-asked-for advice in a transparent attempt to forestall his fossilization. Like G. jackwelchii, S. newtii seems to believe that trading in mates for younger models will fool the Reaper. While the icy smile and fixed stare of Callistasaurus tiffanii does indeed send chills up the Reaper's spine, it's only a matter of time before S. newtii will leave his imprint in the fossil record for good.
2:02 PM PT: Turn around for a minute, and another creepy Cretaceous critter stumbles back onto the stage: Triceratops rumneii - beady eyes glistening, charging forward with no peripheral vision, looking to impale its pryt on its no-longer-sharp horns, oblivious to the fossil carnage left in its wake. This warmongering paleo-warhog returns to praise B. romneii's foreign policy squawking. With triends like this, B. romneii may as well petition Barbara Bush for full membership in genus bushii.