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I'm drowning in my own skin.

Between the stress and the allergen nightmare, I've put on 45 lbs in 7 months, (a good chunk of that from the antipsychotics) become hypertensive and have a cholesterol level of 348.  My nose and throat membranes are so inflamed the doctor was shocked and immediately prescribed Advair, a rescue inhaler and a special prescription only antihistamine. $133.51 at the sliding scale clinic because of the Advair.  But I can't get them, because my parents insist I'm just making it all up.  

This is what it's like to live with Teabaggers.

More below the dooblydoo.

See, I'm the designated "healthy" child in a family of four.  My brother is not only the baby of the family, but a type 1 diabetic on insulin since infancy.  So I became the Healthy Child - the one who didn't need anything other than to shut up and stop bothering them.  

Despite all the "We want you to get better," bullshit - and that's exactly what it is - I'm just faking being sick to live here and take their money and screwing up getting on Medicaid and SSDI. Because everyone knows it's super easy under the mooslim black guy - and why would I want to be on my own where I've been the last 28 years in my own home?  "You must be just fucking it up on purpose." Yeah, Mum said that.

I was "tested" for Autism at 3 - but since I wasn't screaming or drooling and could talk in 1972 - supposedly I would just "grow out of it."  That was when I was still an only child and not invisible.  Now Mum insists is was my brother who was tested for Autism - but he wasn't born yet when we lived there.  My history was transferred to the Sick One in her mind.

I had a series of allergy panels at age 4 and I'm pretty much allergic to everything on earth to some degree.  But it's not serious and has no effect on my health because - Healthy Child.  So I just went through the world in a snotty itchy fog until I discovered that they actually make medication for that as an adult and was prescribed some that worked - as long as I had insurance. I wheezed all through childhood and I just needed to "breathe right and stop being annoying."

When I had TB at age 7 - I was just "exposed to it" - but the Army required me to take medication to treat TB for over a year and did chest x-rays on me every move. I've had them done as an adult too and you can see plainly the damage done by the TB.  Doctors go, "Hey, freaking TB!" because - TB.

Just months ago I had lung capacity tests to determine the loss of function - but hey, 20% isn't really enough to count, so Not Sick.

I've got a psychiatrist who has put me on antipsychotics because I have schizophrenia - but "You're just faking it for attention and you don't want to work."

My Mum is a vicious cruel little woman.  When I told her yesterday what the doctor said and that they had sent all my scripts but one to the Clinic pharmacy because it's the lowest cost - her ONLY concern was that I might have actually told the doctor how many cats we have - and they might send someone to investigate.  Screw I could die - the county might find out about the cats.

Today she insists that I'm "faking" and that the doctor didn't really prescribe any of it - and that we MUST be able to get it cheaper at VoldeMart.  I told her yesterday that there was only the one I picked up that was on the VoldeMart cheap formulary - and I already got it.  Today - erased.  Because she needs to lash out at someone for whatever is actually bothering her - and I'm it.  

I've been told to pack my shit and get out for being ungrateful. (I'm not packing.)

I'm "blaming" ColCatLady for being sick and everyone is dying, so STFU. (I said I need the meds because I know he doesn't want to git rid of the cats.)

I'm just "thinking" myself sick, because I'm a lazy taker.

Mental illness isn't real - it's normal to hear voices.

Allergy medicine hasn't changed since the early 1950s when ColCatLady had allergy shots.

I'm being "secretive" if I don't give my Mum every single detail of my private medical and therapy visits.  All details given to her are mentally erased - or transferred to my Poor Brother who is the Sick Child.

I'm lying if I don't have the doctor tell them it's cheaper at the clinic pharmacy - but they only have these kinds of meltdowns in the evenings on weekends - so no one can be contacted.

The fact that I was pissed off at her 25 years ago for screaming at me on the way to the bus station was again brought up - but her dumping me and my luggage in the middle of the street was a perfectly reasonable reaction by her. And "it still hurts me now," (that you said a mean word to me then) is somehow an excuse to blame me for needing medication NOW because they have 13 indoor cats. I have apologized at least 50 times in the intervening 25 years for the "mean words" - but that doesn't matter of course.

I'm really fucking tired. It's hard to breathe. And I have no way to get the hell out - my original fear of coming here.

Sucks to be me.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (17+ / 0-)

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 06:34:55 PM PDT

  •  I hope that writing about it (12+ / 0-)

    helps the frustration to dissipate...  Blessings to you for feeling more comfortable and having a sense of home.

    "This is the best bad idea we have by far..." ~Argo

    by MsGrin on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 06:52:25 PM PDT

    •  yeah it does some. (6+ / 0-)

      There is no reasoning or even talking with them when they get like this - they just want to hit me and know they can't anymore - and I simply refuse to cry and beg and say I'll never get sick again like a 4 year old - which is what they want.

      This is about power and family roles and I just will not be bullied into being the whipping boy anymore.  I've always been the one they rage at and scream at - and in the past beat the crap out of - but I'm too big and they are too old and I'm not afraid to hit them back if push comes to shove and they know it.  So they rage and threaten and scream and call me names.

      And I get frustrated and watch Burn Notice or Doctor Who in my room.  Which angers them more, because they don't get the response they want - I'm not invested in their drama, I just want to feel better.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 07:21:46 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  can you remove yourself from this situation (8+ / 0-)
    My Mum is a vicious cruel little woman.  When I told her yesterday what the doctor said and that they had sent all my scripts but one to the Clinic pharmacy because it's the lowest cost - her ONLY concern was that I might have actually told the doctor how many cats we have - and they might send someone to investigate.  Screw I could die - the county might find out about the cats.

    Warning - some snark may be above‽ (-9.50; -7.03)‽ eState4Column5©2013 "I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be" - Barack Obama 04/27/2013

    by annieli on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 06:53:38 PM PDT

    •  nope. (6+ / 0-)

      Nowhere to go but home - and that's a long and expensive way away. Believe me - I would just pack up and leave if I could and deal with the SSDI later - even go off meds to get out of here at this point.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 07:17:50 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Don't go off meds! (3+ / 0-)

        Can't blame you for wanting to get out by any means possible: but honey, you NEED your meds.

        Wishing you back on your boat soonest.

        Irony takes a worse beating from Republicans than Wile E. Coyote does from Acme. --Tara the Antisocial Social Worker

        by Youffraita on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 01:27:18 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  I was going to the pharmacy today with or without (3+ / 0-)

          their help, I had about $30 in change in a jar and was going to pay in quarters if it came to that.

          I got more screaming at - but they paid for the meds.

          ColCatLady just thinks it's all in my head, I think the Advair, Flonase, Monolukast Sodium and Preventil beg to differ.  He just doesn't believe in asthma or serious allergies apparently.

          I was expecting an ambush when I got home, but they are going to get new phones. (So fucking broke, we can't afford meds that will keep me from dying, huh?)

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 08:17:53 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  I am sending you positive energy Mortifyd; (11+ / 0-)

    very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time of it.

    ...Son, those Elephants always look out for themselves. If you happen to get a crumb or two from their policies, it's a complete coincidence. -Malharden's Dad

    by slowbutsure on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 07:02:14 PM PDT

  •  keep on keepin' on, man! illegitimi non (7+ / 0-)

    carborundum, even if they are your folks! sorry, not in a more upbeat mood at the moment...

    wish I could think of something more helpful, but you'll just have to settle for

    ((((((((Mortifyd)))))))))

    "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

    by chimene on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 07:19:38 PM PDT

  •  hope this venting is of some assistance (7+ / 0-)

    I cannot imagine having to fight your family the way you describe.  At least I have a relationship with some of my children though I failed them as a father when they were growing up

  •  Excellent Ted Talk (6+ / 0-)

    by Eleanor Longden, now a psychologist, "The voices in my head" from February 2013.

    voices in her head started talking. Initially innocuous, these internal narrators became increasingly antagonistic and dictatorial, turning her life into a living nightmare. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, hospitalized, drugged, Longden was discarded by a system that didn't know how to help her. Longden tells the moving tale of her years-long journey back to mental health, and makes the case that it was through learning to listen to her voices that she was able to survive. ....

    Despite what traditional medicine may opine, Eleanor Longden isn’t crazy -- and neither are many other people who hear voices in their heads. In fact, the psychic phenomenon is a “creative and ingenious survival strategy” that should be seen “not as an abstract symptom of illness to be endured, but as complex, significant, and meaningful experience to be explored,” the British psychology researcher says.

    Longden spent many years in the psychiatric system before earning a BSc and an MSc in psychology, the highest classifications ever granted by the University of Leeds, England. Today she is studying for her PhD, and lectures and writes about recovery-oriented approaches to psychosis, dissociation and complex trauma.

    http://www.ted.com/...
     

    Makes me think of Gregory Bateson's ideas about being caught in a double dind from back in the '50s:
    A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, in which one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will be automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore cannot resolve it or opt out of the situation.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/...

    Perhaps the most encouraging is her work with Intervoicds:
    Working across the world to spread positive and hopeful messages about the experience of hearing voices. If you hear voices, know someone who does or want to find out more about this experience – then this site is for you.
    FWIW.

    Mixed feelings are the hardest kind to have. My shrink told me that ;)

    All the best to you, Mortifyd.

    "Let each unique song be sung and the spell of differentiation be broken" - Winter Rabbit

    by cotterperson on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 07:39:53 PM PDT

    •  I've seen her talk (5+ / 0-)

      I also know the reality of living with schizophrenia for me - and it's not some wonderful mystical experience - it's miserable, frankly gross and completely dysfunctional.

      My voices don't care if I don't shower for a month or more, or periodically starve myself of 80 lbs because I decide pooping is bad, or live in a boat afraid to walk on land or give me insights into anything more than Tori Amos talks to me through her lyrics and insist I'm dating Alex Kingston.

      So no.  I'll take the pills and sorting out how to live in reality.  Works better for me.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Aug 16, 2013 at 08:13:38 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  ((Mortifyd)) (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RiveroftheWest, Mortifyd

    I'm glad you got your meds, even if your parents were a pain int he ass about it. You need those. What your mother believes about what you need doesn't really matter all that much, other than her making your life miserable. You have to do what is right for you. And if the potential of her getting embarrassed because you're paying with pennies gets you the meds, embarrass away!

    Remember, we're thinking about you and wishing you the best!

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 09:31:19 AM PDT

    •  everything is all fine again now... (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      RiveroftheWest, FloridaSNMOM

      they got new smart phones and they have all these new accessories for them and blah de blah...

      I have one of those Access phones for poor people. They didn't even consider adding me to the family plan where I could get a basic phone for free.

      It seems because my Grandmother went to nursing school 80 years ago that asthma and allergies are just bullshit according to ColCatLady - because we all know nothing in medicine has changed in those 80 years. eyeroll And he had allergy shots.  So that I guess is supposed to magically confer immunity to me or something, I'm not sure how his shot experience actually works into this in his head.

      I think the pile of meds and the take twice a day or more on most of them scared my Mum. I have an entire shelf of meds now that I take daily, it just takes a pile of prescriptions and enough to fill a twice a day pill box to get her attention.

      I'll go back to the local clinic and fill out the PAP paperwork which will drastically lower the cost of everything and put me on a 3 month supply as well.

      They just needed to try to put me in my place - to remind me I am dependent on them and their charity and have no rights or say in what happens, including whether I live or die.

      It just didn't work out well for them.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 04:02:01 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Hang in there, M. You'll win in the end. n/t (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Mortifyd, FloridaSNMOM
      •  Asthma wasn't BS 80 years ago (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Mortifyd, RiveroftheWest

        but asthma in adults was more rare because children who had it usually died young. Often people who had adult onset or allergy induced asthma also didn't live long enough to have it diagnosed properly. Medicine has come a LONG LONG way since then. My aunt died of asthma related diseases when she was 47. She struggled with it all her life, lung collapse, pneumonia, etc. I'm hoping to outlive her. That's my goal right now.

        "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

        by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 04:53:34 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  it's just more sign of his mental dysfunction (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          FloridaSNMOM, RiveroftheWest

          he just doesn't believe in sickness so it doesn't exist.  So everyone who is sick (other than my brother of course, he's actually sick) is lying for some gain. Or lazy.  Or something.  Depends on how much beer and POX spews he's had at any given time which sin they are committing.

          He won't take his meds properly for his heart, he won't take his statins, he won't even take aspirin unless he's in screaming agony - he seems to think that suffering is somehow the best way to live.  And if you aren't willing to suffer, something is wrong with you - and it's not the being sick.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 05:09:25 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  ((Mortifyd)) (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Mortifyd

            Empathy, too many people don't have any these days. I don't think the country's problems is the young generation, I think it's the tea party people, those people are the problem with this country these days. They want to live in an imaginary world that never existed, with less empathy and compassion than what was the reality back then. They talk with longing of days when neighbors knew each other and helped each other, and 'government hand outs' weren't needed because of that. And yet, at the same time they want nothing to do with their neighbors or helping any one now. It is a mental dysfunction. Unfortunately, it's not one only relegated to your parents (as bad as that scenario would be).

            "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

            by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 05:17:47 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  exactly they SEE themselves as so generous (1+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              FloridaSNMOM

              and it's all these people around them who are just unworthy of their generosity.  They talk shit about the neighbours because none of them were military - so they are are just stupid people and certainly not worth being friends with or neighbourly toward.

              Everyone is out to take things from them - except my brother, who is a "hard working American" because he slaves away part time at the VoldeMart and agrees with their POX spews birther bootstrapping bullshit.  Education is bad. Thinking is bad.  Medicine is bad. Other people are bad.  They live in a world of paranoia and fear.

              And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

              by Mortifyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 05:26:51 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

        •  the other thing to consider of course is he thinks (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          FloridaSNMOM

          he knows everything about me.  He knows nothing about me - he wasn't even home 10 months a year most of my childhood.  So he just makes shit up in  his head about how he was there when he really was anywhere but home - and when he was actually home - he was drunk.

          Mum is the same way when it comes to assuming she knows me - when what she's really doing is projecting her vile shit onto me. Her favourite go to has always been "selfish" if I try to take care of myself or have goals she doesn't approve of - daring to not be under her total control = selfish.  

          They feed into each other's bullshit - ergo the whole OMG you can't TELL about the cats, better you should DIE thing - because lying and covering up dysfunction is Standard Operating Procedure.  It was the same way about having the shit beaten out of me for nothing, or things my brother did, or she had a bad day.  I couldn't TELL, it would Ruin Your Father's Career.  I was just expected to accept it as normal.  And when I got out and verified it was seriously fucked up - all holy hell broke loose and they still haven't "forgiven" me for going my own way and not sticking close to stay in my designated role.  I'm "selfish" that way.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Aug 17, 2013 at 05:20:50 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

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