The first girl I ever really, truly loved is dying. We haven't seen each other in over thirty-five years but suddenly there was a sweet short message from her on my social media page.
I replied but never got a response. I was a bit saddened, I'm going through a particularly rough patch in my own life and the thought of reminiscing with an old friend seemed like a great way to brighten my now weary and darkened days. Then a common friend told me what was going on...
...My first love was very ill and in the hospital. She had recently fallen into a coma and it was unlikely she will recover or survive.
When I responded to her message I mentioned that I had noticed other people wishing her well and told her how much I would love to speak to her again and that I remembered her fondly and would still love to be friends. I poured out my heart and I did not speak of my own life and problems but stayed on the subject of the good times we had shared and how they were still a joy to me in my mind and heart.
Her message to me was written just before she fell into the coma and that is why she never responded. I will most likely never hear from her again and it is unlikely she will ever read my replies to her short message to me.
Thirty-five years ago my first love broke my heart. I went away to pursue a dream and while I was gone a young girl desperately in need of my love, attention and support found someone else to love her and take care of her and nurture her love in return.
After she broke up with me I was devastated and in a childlike pout I spent a couple years consoling myself with increasingly painful one night stands and the bittersweet oblivion brought on by various intoxicants.
After two years she called me one night out of the blue and asked if she could visit me. I begged her to come visit. We discussed plans for accommodations and I was as excited as can possibly be much to the dismay of one of the people who overheard that conversation. My First Love never showed up as planned and that was the last time I heard from her until her short message appeared on my computer screen.
Fate eventually brought me someone who could see past the scars, the pain, the hate and the guilt and help me erase them one by one until they fell away and became distant memories with no power to cause anyone any more harm or mischief.
For the last thirty years I've been loved and loved a girl who helped me grow up and find myself. She supported me in my career and we had a great life taking care of each together. Now she is supporting me in my hour of need by stepping up to keep us afloat financially and emotionally while I take over the housekeeping.
People move in and out of your life and you don't have a lot of control over when they will arrive and when they will go away and when you'll meet again.
But to the girl who first owned my heart I wish I could see you one more time and hold your hand and tell you I love you. To not be there for you in your moment of need without any way to say good bye is almost as painful as losing you so many years ago. I am so sad I cannot express how much I regret not saying hello years ago.
Goodbye, Peace and Sweet Dreams to My First Love.
Thu Nov 20, 2014 at 10:31 AM PT: My Loving Spouse and I scrounged up the cash for a plane ticket and I was ready to board my plane in a few hours when I was notified that My First Love's Children had arrived at her side and had allowed her to pass on. Thirty five years ago I sold all my amps and guitars and gave away my worldly possessions to leave my first love and pursue a dream. This week I sold a few and will sell a few more to pay for the ticket I never used. The mistakes of youth should haunt you and you should have to pay a price for making them. In the end I got my dream and a wonderful woman to share my life with but I think I will always feel that someone else paid for part of it. Good night and sweet dreams Princess.