A few years back, I received an unexpected package in the mails. To my surprise, a Wii U Deluxe, the inducement in a promotion by my ISP that I wasn't even aware I had participated in, lay inside. Being near Xmas, I decided to give it away rather than open it.
As an atheist, I try to find secular outlets for my charitable contributions, so I thought through my options and decided to call My Government. I looked through the phone book and dialed Child Protective Services, found out that a drive to collect gifts for children in foster homes was in full swing and foster parents were only days away from selecting gifts for children in their care. I said I would be right over (they are just 2 blocks from where I live) and arrived to smiles and thanks.
However, on the way over, I wondered about my personal ban on celebrating Xmas. I don't do trees, gifts, decorations or any of that stuff. Xmas day is just another day. I do solstice, I don't want to spoil anyone's party and attend many Xmas events and gatherings but I personally avoid instigating any celebration or ritual associated with the holiday. I just had a niggling feeling that bugged me.
"It's for the kids" made perfect sense, but I wondered, would my government reasonably accommodate my being an atheist and offer me another option? I decided to find out.
I told the director, "I'm an atheist and I was hoping to have my donation be used in a secular manner, rather than tied to a religious holiday. It certainly doesn't mean I won't donate if you can't, it's just my preference. I called [My Government] because I want to support it and it's secular mandate."
After a brief but awkward pause, she said, "How about we use it here instead," leading me to the kids waiting room where they play while assessments and interviews are done with parents. "I'm sure the kids will love it, if that meets your needs."
"Perfect!" I replied. We shook hands and I left pleased and proud. My Government came through, once again.
A year or more later, she recognized me in a store, stopped me and thanked me for the donation and, though now broken, it was enjoyed by all. I said, "It was my pleasure," and it was.
I tell this story to illustrate how deeply I value My Government. Self governance, secular rule of law, and equality under that law are my deeply held beliefs, that a "government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."
My cadence changes when I talk about my duties and responsibilities as the governed and my obligations to society and my fellow man as a fully enfranchised citizen. I'm reverent of the privileges My Government bestows and the rights it guarantees and protects. I have volatile passions that become inflamed when devious, malicious encroachments are perpetrated on My (Secular) Government by the religious. The profound principles and values inherent in its founding and the lofty ideals My Government strives for sustain me.
As an atheist, My Government is also my sole avenue to legalizing and solemnizing a marriage. If I want a legal marriage, I have a path where no religion or theology is involved that is as fully equal in the eyes of the law as any other. This is sacred to me, as broadly as I can apply the word. It's my sacrament, my ritual. The religious have the same path, the same protections, the same access in My Government as I do, but often confuse marriage, the civil kind, with Holy Matrimony.
So conflated the two have become that in the imagination of our society, they are often thought of as one and the same.
Let me give you an example:
Doing a search for "holy matrimony definition" most of the links just come up as "marriage." Even Wikipedia is succinct, referring me to a disambiguation page with a link to marriage:
Holy Matrimony - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Holy matrimony is a phrase used by Christians to describe marriage. See also Christian views of marriage.
Skipping "Christian views of marriage" for the moment, I jumped to "marriage."
Marriage - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
For other uses, see Marriage (disambiguation).
"Married" and "Matrimony" redirect here.
Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws.[1] The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually sexual, are acknowledged. In some cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity. When defined broadly, marriage is considered a cultural universal.
Oddly (or not so much,) civil marriage has it's own entry:
Civil marriage - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Civil marriage is a marriage performed, recorded, and recognized by a government official.[1]
Better, but still not satisfied, I broke this down further:
Holy:
ho·ly - 1. dedicated or consecrated to God or a religious purpose; sacred.
Matrimony:
mat·ri·mo·ny - the state or ceremony of being married; marriage.
Civil:
civ·il - 1. of or relating to ordinary citizens and their concerns, as distinct from military or ecclesiastical matters.
Marriage:
mar·riage - 1. the legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman (or, in some jurisdictions, two people of the same sex) as partners in a relationship.
Indeed, it seems that matrimony is very similar to marriage, more or less, but adding that "holy" or "civil" makes a world of difference.
I have a particular bug up my butt about language that gets appropriated, particularly by the religious, and efforts to frame the word in the light that best reflects the appropriator's agenda. "Same sex marriage" is one of those particularly egregious examples. It's an effort to constantly use words and modifiers that "other" anything except the "traditional" definition of the term. "There's no such thing as same sex marriage or gay marriage," I often say. " There is only marriage."
Adding "civil" to marriage has the same othering effect. But, for my purposes here and for clarity, I used it and holy matrimony (differentiated by society but not othered), when necessary.
Here's where it gets a bit interesting. Jump down a hundred or so paragraphs on Wiki and we get this:
Christianity
Christian marriages are based upon the teachings of Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul.[208] Today many Christian denominations regard marriage as a sacrament, a sacred institution, or a covenant,[209] but this was not the case before marriage was officially recognized as a sacrament at the 1184 Council of Verona.[210][211] Before then, no specific ritual was prescribed for celebrating a marriage: "Marriage vows did not have to be exchanged in a church, nor was a priest's presence required. A couple could exchange consent anywhere, anytime."[211][212]
In the decrees on marriage of the Council of Trent (twenty-fourth session from 1563) the validity of marriage was made dependent upon the wedding taking place before a priest and two witnesses,[211][213] although the lack of a requirement for parental consent ended a debate that had proceeded from the 12th century.[213] In the case of a divorce, the right of the innocent party to marry again was denied so long as the other party was alive, even if the other party had committed adultery.[213]
The Christian Church performed marriages in the vestibule prior to the 16th century, when the emphasis was on the marriage contract and betrothal. Then the ceremony was moved inside the sacristy. [211][214]
So marriage it seems, was "traditionally" a secular institution exclusively. It took christians over a thousand years before they decided to get in the marriage business and another 500 before the church decided they had to 'bless' or 'approve' the marriage before god would recognize it. Not exactly the narrative the Religious Right would have you believe.
Trying to drag this kudzu-esque commentary back to some kind of point and conclusion, let me just say this:
I know many married atheists. I was one of them. I made a point of specifically excluding gods from my vows. In fact, I promised next to nothing.
My ceremony concentrated on the theme of Two Become Three. We promised to never lose ourselves in each other but have our partnership a third entity neither will be subsumed by, never to obey but find common ground, to watch each others back but never interfere, to trust each others version of events, to be partners in life, two whole and complete sovereign humans, giving life to a new and powerful alliance we will build together, to our mutual benefit without surrendering our individuality, as long as this union shall last.
"As Two become Three, I now pronounce you, partners in life."
Kim Davis would not say I'm married. We had a partially open relationship. We specifically excluded gods from our vows. We took the contract seriously, not the "matrimony." The "sacred" aspect of our marriage was wholly Mammon, earthly, heathen, pagan, godless, blasphemous, and, dare I say, an abomination. If the real truth was known to her about who I am and what I don't believe, she would hesitate or even refuse to give me a license as well.
I've been struck for many years now with the parallels between how atheists are treated and how LGBTQ are treated once it's fully understood who we are. Atheists have a much easier time because, if we choose, it's strictly personal and our atheism isn't as visible in its expression. But I feel a strong connection with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters and the discrimination and persecution they face from the intolerant religious. I, too, am considered by them an abomination, cursed by their gods, spawn of Satan, destined to burn in hell. They tell me I am all the things they say you are, or worse. Atheists might even be more hated by the religious. It's hard to tell who they hate more sometimes.
But one thing is sure: We're in this together and I have your back.
It's why I feel the need to clarify constantly:
Holy matrimony and marriage are two completely different things.
I want the word marriage back. I want marriage to be the inclusive term, holy matrimony to be the other, the more restrictive. Let me get married, free of religion's judgement and control. Let My Government show me the same respect you require of it. Let that license be my sacrament, the ritual of getting my license be sacred. Let me have my deeply held beliefs and have reverence for the legal institution of marriage as my deep expression of the trust and respect I have for My Government.
I promise:
I'll let you register your holy matrimony, legalize it and treat it with the respect it deserves if you'll do the same for my marriage.
So help me... whatevs.
Sat Sep 05, 2015 at 6:15 PM PT: I spent a few days trying to write this. I finally just gave up and hit publish. It's Labor Day weekend. Don't hate me 'cause I'm lazy...