Oval Office, West Wing
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Current Occupant:
Sorry it's taken me so long to write again. It's not that I didn't want to. It's just that I wasn't sure you were listening, since I never heard back after my first letter. But hey, you did take my advice and remove Steve Bannon from the National Security Council. And now I hear you even fired him. It's never nice to see someone lose their job, but you made the right call. Where I work, we've got a strictly no-Nazi policy and it's worked out pretty well so far.
Anyway, I think you've done a bang-up job when it comes to firing people. Let's take a look:
* Michael Flynn? Good thing you got him out quickly. Imagine how many state secrets he could have sold to Russia! Whew!
* Sean Spicer? I don't like to use insults, but that guy was a fibber. You definitely wouldn't want to be associated with him. I mean, people might start to think you're a fibber, too. We wouldn't want that.
* And then there's Anthony Scaramucci. I barely had a chance to fire up my modem before he came and went. LOL!!! But seriously, he has a potty mouth. When I printed out news articles about him, I had to use my thick sharpie to black out all the bad words, and when I was done, there weren't enough words left to understand what he was saying.
* And finally, Reince Preibus. I had a harder time with this one. I mean, he showed real loyalty, which I know is important to you. But Scaramucci did call him a "mucking paranoid schizophrenic" (I might have changed one letter there). Reading between the lines, I'm suspecting that firing Reince was really a way to quietly help him get the mental health support he needed. Quite decent of you, especially since the White House seems to be a pretty stressful place right about now.
But with all those firings, what an HR headache for you! Don't hire to fire, right? So, I thought maybe you could use some hiring tips.
Tip #1. Read resumes carefully. I always try to be sure someone I might hire has the right experience for a job. If I'm going to hire someone to make sure poor people have a place to live, I'm going for someone who's built houses. Remember, you can be really smart -- like brain surgeon smart -- and still not know much about housing. Simple, right?
Tip #2. Look online. I'm telling you, this Internet thing is great. If I were considering candidates for Attorney General and I wanted to know who's going to do the best job protecting people's civil liberties, I could just go online and search up, I don't know, "opposition to Jeff Sessions nomination." And look here, a letter from Coretta Scott King (!) that says, “Mr. Sessions has used the awesome powers of his office in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters.” She goes on to call his conduct “reprehensible.” That would be enough for me to scratch him right off the list. I hope that example is helpful.
Tip #3. Avoid conflicts of interest. You've got some important roles to fill. Keeping tabs on the economy. Protecting public lands. Supporting our schools. You may not know it, but there are a few people out there who may try to get a job with you just to make a buck off of the things under their control. Hard to believe, I know, but I've seen it. So I have a "just say no to conflicts of interest" policy. It's simple really. If candidate X is responsible for making sure predatory lenders don't bury college students under a mountain of debt, and candidate X also has a lot of friends who are predatory lenders, then candidate X is not for me. Try it out on some of the people you're thinking of hiring. I guarantee it will help.
I've got a few more ideas, but I've heard that you like to keep things short and sweet. So that's what I'll do. But feel free to write back. I'm here for you.
Oh, and don't forget that no-Nazi thing I talked about. That Bannon guy may have brought a few of them along with him. You may want to check. Remember, if you have Nazis working for you people might think you're a Nazi, too. You wouldn't want that, right?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
(Editor’s note: If you think that Steve Bannon’s BFFs Sebastian Gorka and Stephen Miller should follow Bannon out the door, sign here.)