Trump Suffers Olympic Sized Self Dick Punch. Also, Sun Rises in East. Newsreel at 11.
Unless you’ve been hiding under a mushroom waiting for that stupid super extra extended February to finally end (why can’t we add a day to freaking June or July????), you know that our beloved Orange Emperor Felonious suddenly finds himself owing a particularly large sum of cash to some people he can’t actually stiff. It’s actually money that he never actually possessed but bloviated that he did in public and more importantly, in depositions taken under oath under penalty of perjury. Like $464 million (plus $111K more every day) to the Very Good and Well Grifted People of the Great State of New York AND another $90 or so million to the woman he raped and then defamed...and continues to defame. Also in New York.
This Man Could Really Really REALLY Use Some Cash Right Now! If Only There Was $3 Billion Lying Around Somewhere No One Was Watching!
I’m supposing you also know President Hamberdler must post bond in the amount in the neighborhood of 120% of the actual judgement BEFORE he can appeal these decisions….and lose of course. It’s all just a delay because….(this is foreshadowing)….there’s an open cash register at the end of this blasted tunnel…..if only he can hold out…..(EDIT: He can appeal without the bond but it doesn’t cease collections. Kinda like asking the governor to stay your death sentence when the needle is already in your arm. But hey. People do it. No. They Don’t).
And as you may also be aware, the brontosaurus’ share of his proclaimed but not actually real wealth now sits under the watchful control of former federal judge Barbara Jones, who New York appointed to monitor all those assets, their location, and instructions for where to send the sheriff when it’s time to divest the Russian Agent in Thief of said assets when his time is up. Like a mama bird sitting on an egg in her nest. That’s about $90 million due by Monday March 8 to his rape and defamation victim, so yeah coming up quick. If only he could make it to March 22…..holding that fart in the elevator…..if only…..
As for the $464 (+ $111k/day) that Tish James counts down on real Xitter every day, he’s got a few more weeks. March 26. The day after he goes on trial in Manhattan for paying off porn star, smart cookie, and hilarious lady Stormy Daniels to not disclose that time he snuck his tiny mushroom into Ms. Daniels nether regions for 8 seconds while Mercedes Melania was home ordering around some poor serf in some language no one speaks (Spanish? French? German? Romansh?) four months after giving birth to….what’s that kid’s name again….Barron. Named after The Turd Emperor’s publicist, John Barron. Strong man. Handsome man. Smart man. Right out of central casting. I guess the point of this gratuitous diversion is, he’ll be too busy getting prosecuted to do anything about whatever it is Tish James and Barbara Jones are doing with his…..assets….come late March.
Our delight with this upcoming shedding of assets got even more amusing when he realized his rape victim’s attorney was already probably putting Judge Jones on speed dial and clearing out some room in her personal bank vault. So he desperately applied all the charm God gave a blowfish and tried to ask Judge Kaplan to stay the $90 million because apparently, his rape victim knows he’s good for it. I know it’s hard to tell your Trump judges apart, but yes, this is the same judge he pilloried on his off brand failing Xitter, Truth (HA!) Social (HA HA!), the one who had to place a gag order because this diaper clad toddler actually pooping in his pants in court (some people say...) would not stop inciting Meal Team 6 to send his clerk death threats on the internets.
Wait...He Lied About Having A Lot of Money?
Of course, we reached schadenfreude freakout when he had to admit in court that he doesn’t actually have $464 million and counting and of course (!) the Really Good People of the State of New York surely don’t want to see him forcibly divested of all of those sacred buildings he built with his bare hands that constitute most of the New York City Skyline. And would they please accept these magic beans and $100 million so he can hold off AG James from selling 40 Wall St., his interest and naming rights to the tower depicted above, and Marma Lardo? All of that SHOULD raise about half of it. But if he can just make it to March 22…..
Hey There’s an Open Cash Register with $3 Billion with a B at the End of this Blasted Tunnel!
We experienced an interruption to what was becoming just an unhealthy amount of laughter that could have led to stroke or worse if it didn’t stop….when first his crooked SCOTUS joined his defense team and granted him his first win since….when did Hitler host the Olympic Games? But then some really smart people like Michael Popok from Meidas Touch—a corporate lawyer who specializes in everything in this diary—raised the alarm about the alleged $3 billion Donnie figured to get his paws on March 22. (If you’re not addicted to Meidas Touch videos right now there’s something wrong with you btw. Seek medical or psychological help now! Or head over to YouTube and belly up to the bar).
Trump, two contestants he fired from that STUPID reality TV show that convinced a bunch of morons he was some kind of successful businessman, and some rando lawyer formed a Special Purpose Acquisition Company (SPAC) (NOT the Saratoga Performing Arts Center where we’ve all seen the Dead and Phish and Goose and such). They formed a SPAC (the bizness thing) designed to fool people into investing in his failing imitation Xitter that’s mostly home to Gravy Seals, Actual Nazis, and other assorted antisocial nitwits who believe this obvious fraud is the second coming of Jeebus. The SEC just recently gave up finding the grift in the deal (because it is ALL grift) as none of the shareholders apparently cared (or knew) they were about to get CLEANED OUT by Citizen Trump so he could pay all of those nasty Appellate Bonds and hire some non-parking garage lawyers for things like these two appeals he’s going to lose (BIGLY!) and the upcoming NY trial where he’s gonna get convicted of dozens of felonies and (pray hard for this one y’all!) perhaps just maybe a non-zero percent chance he gets sentenced to TIME in Riker’s!!! (A boy can dream!) And let’s not forget what it costs to keep a legal team with six count ‘em SIX SCOTUS clowns.
Trump apparently currently holds 90% of the stock that—under today’s valuation—is worth about $3 Billion with a B dollars. There are all kinds of special rules that keep his hands off and immediately liquidating the stock and thereby tanking the price before the other shareholders liquidate and tank the stock first. Because it’s really not worth anything. If he had done NOTHING at all, there was a very good chance he’d have a crack at the $3 Billion with a B. On March 22. Before March 26. Bond posted. Tish James disappointed she won’t get to sell 40 Wall St. No one playing around with his….assets. He just needed to stay cool and sneak permission from the other shareholders.
The Final Act: In Which We Witness One of the Epic Self Dick Punches of ALL TIME
So one supposes he decided he didn’t want to take any chances with the other shareholders and attempted to inflate the number of stocks to take them from 8% ownership to 1%. And they noticed. And they sued. And now the Orange Emperor has exactly an actual ZERO% chance of touching that tasty $3 Billion with a B anytime in the foreseeable future.
Here’s how Gary Legum over at Wonkette describes this Olympic sized self dick punch:
The idiots who did try to get in bed with Trump this time, Litinsky and Moss, soon found that Trump was not happy with only 90 percent of the shares in a company that is currently valued at $3 billion, based on Thursday’s stock price. He almost immediately started chiseling by trying to talk Litinsky into handing a boatload of his shares over to spousal concubine Melania Trump…. ………………………………………..
Now the whole deal might get held up while this lawsuit, plus a couple of others related to some other accusations of shenanigans the various parties have been throwing at each other, works its way through the chancery courts in Delaware, which is where TMTG was incorporated.
So to sum up, Trump himself may have torpedoed a deal that would have added $3 billion to his net worth, at least on paper, at a time when he is desperate to come up with better than half a billion dollars in three weeks to cover the civil judgments against him in his E. Jean Carroll and New York business fraud trials. All because he apparently couldn’t be satisfied with 90 percent of $3 billion.
Alex Wagner at MSNBC also explains it pretty well so I don’t have to:
So in sum, Emperor Hamberdler owes a lot of money he doesn’t have. He had a $3 billion grift about to come through for him. He got greedy, stepped on his own dick, and now he’s back to owing a lot of money he doesn’t have. Tish James keeps Barbara Jones on speed dial and, well, His Assets are no longer safe. Delicious!
Thanks for Reading. I wrote 3 more just like this earlier in the Week. So now ya know.
So, I know this sounds like a rookie move and like the team making the playoffs for the first time in 20 years, I should act like I’ve been here before. (I have, after all, been here 24/7/365 or 6 since 2008). But I was shocked to wake up and find this compilation of fart and dick stomping jokes still sitting atop—it was still called the Rec list the last time I had a diary Story on it. I’m glad y’all like it. It’s way more fun writing when people are enjoying what yer putting down. And actually reading it. So thanks for that. I’m also a musician who hates playing without an audience.
So, I’m a really really busy solo tax accountant in the middle of tax season and my sudden proliferation in the realm of political satire scrivener has me puzzled. Perhaps I’m just channeling Shower Cap in his all too prolonged absence (big fan, sir) and I’ll wake up next week unable to string two insulting obscene gerund phrases together. Or I’ll get a wild hair this afternoon and dig deep into why, for some reason, only the Great State of New York seems to get how to hold the Shoe Salesman In Chief accountable.
I wrote three other stories this week that maybe you missed because I posted them in the middle of the night and no one knew how fun that could be. I guess y’all are onto me now. Don’t get your hopes up as this pile of people’s 1040s, 1065s, and 1120Ss along with accompanying schedules piled on my desk currently threatens to avalanche and snuff me out for good. (OK, they’re actually in my computer and secure, but that doesn’t sound as threatening). But the good news is, there are 3 more gems I pounded out late nights (waking my 15 year old daughter from the furious keystrokes) to keep you satisfied until spirit or whatever bowel movement it is that makes this happen, uh, moves me to pound on my keyboard some more.
Personally, I was quite fond of the one about Judge Jerry Springer, because, as Not A Lawyer, with no bar association to fear taking away my livelihood, I’m free to say things about judges that lawyers can’t (or don’t because they can’t form bad habits like that). All of the coverage seems to have missed that somehow the only Not Elected white guy Federalist Society Republican on the Fulton County bench (appointed by the Republican governor who is only governor because he booted 309,000 Not White sounding names from the voter rolls just before the election) somehow got “randomly assigned” to the most important case in the history of Georgia jurisprudence.
And now he’s treating the elected District Attorney he works with every day as a reality show guest looking for ANY reason to scuttle a prosecution brought by a BRAVE strong black woman that will eviscerate the Georgia Republican Party for a generation. Yeah. Surprise. Oh, and he’s up for election in May and I’ve never seen that as more than a footnote about this rather salient fact ANYWHERE. So yeah.
Go check out the stuff I wrote the past 3 days if you like. It’s all pretty entertaining copium….and worth 10 minutes of your life IMHO!! And thanks for reading. Stay tuned. You never know when or if…..
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