I originally posted this in November, and thought it was worth reposting--julie
I'm going to do something that makes people uncomfortable-- I'm going to admit to some racism that I found difficult to shake. This was inspired by this piece by Rexy Meteorite, but it's something I've been thinking about for some time now.
So-- some twenty years ago, I found mixed-ethnicity couples difficult to understand. It wasn't that I disliked people involved in them, but if I saw a black woman with a white man, or vice versa, I was just baffled-- I honestly could not get how that could work.
There's no question that this was racist-- not a whit of it, and I couldn't even tell you exactly where that racism came from, though I have my suspicions.
After the fold, I'll talk about how I approached it once I realized what was going on in my head.
This started as something transparent to me, which was part of its insidiousness. I thought about race this way without realizing that there was something wrong with it, which should tell you something about how ingrained racism is to our culture. Not only could I, a fairly liberal person could find myself thinking that there was something strange or bizarre about mixed-ethnicity relationships, but I could do it without realizing that I was being racist.
I don't honestly remember exactly when it occurred to me that there was something wrong with this, but I remember it hitting home when I said it out loud. I made some offhand comment about it and as soon as I said it, I remember thinking "wow. What the hell did I just say? Where the hell did that come from?"
I don't remember who was in the room when I said it-- I don't remember anyone challenging it. All I really remember about it was my thought process that followed, which basically boiled down to this:
- I'm not a racist, am I?
- What if I am a racist? What does that say about me?
- Why do I think like this?
- Whom can I blame for this?
- Okay. Maybe I am a racist, but that doesn't need to define me.
- What can I do to change this?
Mind you, this was over several months and it cycled back and fort a bit. I summarize to make a point.
So I thought about it: a lot. I didn't let myself flinch from it. I didn't think that was right to do and I challenged myself a lot internally. I started looking at movies and plays I enjoyed and would change the ethnicity of characters in my head, rewriting the stories in a fashion that was intended to challenge my assumptions about race.
Then I gravitated towards stories involving mixed-race couples to begin with and as I watched them, I thought about them and asked myself open questions about whether or not I had issues with the relationships and what were those issues.
I will note that once I acknowledged the racism that I had, somewhere, managed to learn, I never judged myself for it again. I simply said "this needs to change. How do I change it?" and set myself to work.
Somewhere down the line, those thoughts faded. I'm not sure what happened. I am not cured of racism. I will always have racist thoughts and feelings from time to time, and being white, even being white and queer, I know that I will never have the trouble getting a cab that any black person has in this country.
But somewhere, I just started thinking about what my thoughts mean and pushing them and tweaking them and eventually I just let them go.
So how does this tie into homophobia? I think what I said early on is the catch-- it's routine for people to make anti-gay or anti-trans comments in this country, even sometimes relatively enlightened people. And the thing is, they often don't realize they do it-- the many times we've seen people make comments here about Ann Coulter which suggest she's transsexual or a drag queen would be an example of this-- they don't get it until called on it and even then some of them dig in.
It's not just that the homophobia is pervasive; it's that it's pervasive and often invisible.
Opponents of gay rights have the good sense to frame their homophobia a fashion which makes it more subtle-- it's not about being anti same-sex marriage, it's about preserving "traditional" marriage. It's not about equal rights for gay soldiers, it's against protecting other soldiers from being uncomfortable. (an aside: we make them carry 100+lbs of equipment on 10 mile hikes. I don't think anyone actually cares about their "comfort.").
So yes, we need to challenge homophobia where it's obvious and overt-- the murder of Matthew Shepard; anything involving Fred Phelps. But we need to question it more openly and overtly when it's something more subtle-- the phrase "it's so gay;" Jokes about a woman's adam's apple. Men spreading rumors that a woman's a lesbian when she turns them down for a date-- this is pernicious and pervasive and it's vicious, not just in its ubiquity but in its subterfuge.
So I'm going to ask the straight people to do me a favor because, quite frankly, everyone knows where I stand.
Next time you hear someone saying something that reflects subtle homophobia, don't attack them. Just ask them, gently, "what, exactly, does that mean?" And if someone tries to push back on you and accuses you of being gay, just say "so what if I am?" Don't let them get off the hook by turning it into a fight. Don't let them evade it by making it personal.
Listen for the less overt forms of homophobia you see and hear in your day to day life and question it, even if it comes from you. I'm not asking anyone to fight. I'm asking everyone to question.
Thanks.