Healing deep wound of the mind.

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Wednesday October 14, 2020 · 9:49 PM PDT

2020/10/14 · 21:49

I have been subject to mental abuse all of my life. up until about 5 years ago when the person that did that abuse passed away. I suffer from low esteem and lack self cofedence because of the 53 years the abuse took place over. We all have our reasons to be damaged. Mine was inflicted by my own mother who I now believe had Borderline Personality Disorder. She was just as broken as I became from the way she was raised in the south during the depression and Chemical imbalances in her body from mail nutrition and other geological conditions and abuse from her father.

My mother could be a sweet and caring person one minute and become a total demon the next. she used money to control many aspects of my life from when I was very small until as late as just 6 years ago. She I believe had a deep fear of abandonment and a need to control people so they would not leave her. When I found the love of my life nearly 30 years ago she became even more demanding upon me and even more cruel.
As a young man getting ready to get out of high school I was overweight thanks to her demanding I eat big meals and when I tried to lose weight to fulfill one of my lifelong dreams and go into the Airforce she ambushed me every chance she had. In what I believe was a defense mechanism for her fear of abandonment. I never did get to the weight I needed to be at to go into the service thanks to the embedded eating habits she caused.

I had dated girls but my mother was always getting in the way of me pursuing a relationship. Always causing issues with me by causing me to miss dates at the last minute or hearing me making plans and then the next day she made plans for a trip out of state to see family. My self-confidence was sinking. I actually began to fear getting into a relationship or even trying to start one.

Until I was introduced to my wife by a friend.
It was then that I grew a set and fought back against my Mother and worked at the relationship. Hiding things from her. Going on so-called trips with friends from my scouting years or with friends from work. And meeting up with my girlfriend at a motel near the college she attended. She then moved back closer to home and that made meeting simpler.

When we found out that what would become my wife was with child she was furious and call the girl everything but a white woman to even stating that what in her mind was the worse insult she could make saying that the child was not mine but from a black man. My wife had not ever even had a black male friend nor had she ever been with a black male sexually. I and one other white male had been the only men she had been with. But then at the same time that she was saying all this to me she went out and purchased me a home to raise my family in. Over the years she did many things to help me and my wife but was always degrading her and me.

Up until the night before she died, she continued the abuse against me and my wife. once she was dead I felt like a great burden was lifted off my soul. I was sad she had died but then I did not truly greave her death. I still struggle with how I did not greave for my mother. I greaved when my father passed less than a year later and still do to this day. I still struggle with those mixed feelings and have worked hard with my therapist on that and I still work at healing the wounds she left deep in my soul. Those wounds were a contributor to the end of my marriage. That plus 3 traumatic brain injuries and PTSD did not help.

This week My Ex-Wife sent me a book on Kendle that is helping me understand . And why my mother did what she did. It is helping me heal some of the scars she left on me. And I thank My Ex-wife for sending the book. As one of my online profiles says “I'm evolving” well yes I am as I heal and try to rebuild my life into a productive life where I have the confidence and self-esteem that I have lacked.

Working for a Change! One phone call at a time.

avalonbear

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Monday October 12, 2020 · 11:45 AM PDT

2020/10/12 · 11:45

Working/ Volunteering for the local Democratic County Headquarters has been very interesting so far this election. with Covid keeping people home and the rhetoric voting by mail is getting from the other side there is a lot of negativity spreading out across the country. A lota of people are darn scared of mailing in their ballots in.

Every day you get inundated by the news networks with storied about voter fraud and slowdowns in mail delivery of ballots to the courthouses. Many are just false made up stories some tho are not.I get to hear from the people daily here in my county and truth be told I’m not hearing anything that would lead me to believe that it is a national overwhelming issue. a few pockets of small issues in individual post offices. That the news services grab onto and blow out of proportion. I’m not getting calls that would tell me different. in fact my own mail-in ballot and Ballot request had no issues going threw the mail service.

The Republicans are pushing the stories about voter fraud and lost ballots to scare people from voting because they are scared that they will loose there grasp on the power of the country from the white house down to the local dog catcher. And I’ve seen locally they have a reason to be scared. Many long time Republicans are seeing the light and switching how they vote in this election. Daily I have them walk in my front doors and want info on Democratic candidates and Biden/Harris signs for there yards.

Now we still have some die-hard Truph supporters in pockets across our county but those are dwindling day by day. As I drive around the county putting up Democrat candidate signs up I see signs coming down for Trump and they are not being stollen but property owners are tking them down. Indiana may be turning to a shade of purple leaning towards a more bluish tents.

I’m working as much as I can to help make this Blue Wave wash across the country and I hope that others also stand up and be apart of the change we need so bad from the top down.

The evening my life changed forever.

avalonbear

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Wednesday October 07, 2020 · 8:39 PM PDT

2020/10/07 · 20:39

The evening my life changed forever.

On October 7th 2017 at approximately 9:00 in the evening my life changed forever. After being out with the Patriot guard on a meet and greet at a church in fortville I in several of the riders were returning back to Anderson on State road 67 just south of I-69 in front of the IMI gravel pit when I hit a deformity in the road throwing me into construction barrels and laying my motorcycle down landing me on my right side breaking my leg making damage to my knee my ribs and my shoulder and also a concussion to my head with a large cut above my eye. Had it not been for quick reaction of other riders who have medical training I may not have been in the shape I am now have they not been there. I went through several surgeries day in and day out of rehab. A situation that I was going to therapy for cause an even greater pain to my heart just two years into my reading of it got to the point that my wife and I could no longer feel emotional toward each other at that point she had decided to file for divorce because of my emotional instability. Since she left me I have been on my own working hard still on the brain injury and dealing with it and seeing professional help. I have not gotten back on a motorcycle but that's not saying that I want I've just not had the energy and time to deal with the repairs to do to it to get back on it but that soon will change with some help of some good friends. We always say that God has a plan for us and he will not reveal that plan until the right time. I believe that and I see everyday the miracles that God has put into my life keeping me alive through this and through the other health issues that I've had over the past six years. I think the members of my family who have stood behind me through all this that includes my ex-wife for her help and everything she did for me over the past 6 years even leaving me she helped me get out of a slump that was a downward spiral. And I thank all my friends for being there for me those from the Patriot guard from the church on Main Street the Christian writers who have stood with me and kept me going in many ways I also would like to thank my mother-in-law for being such a good friend in this past year. I told her doctor one time when he told me that I would never walk again and then I would spend the rest of my life in a nursing home but he didn't know me he didn't know my fortitude of course I used some very vulgar language when I told him that. I have come back and I'm still coming back and I'm evolving and I'm seeing in myself what I hadn't seen in years. October 7th 2017 is a mark in my life that I remember every day whenever I get up and feel the pain at those points that's still there be they mental or physical I am blessed and I'm still on that path that God has chosen for me.

What does it take to love America in 2019?

avalonbear

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Monday July 22, 2019 · 8:21 AM PDT

2019/07/22 · 08:21

What does it take to love America in 2019?

In the news, we hear our national leader President Donald Trump make statements about how some who oppose him don't love or like America. What does it take to love America in 2019? What are the standards that you judge someone on to clarify if they do or don't love America? If your a woman of color and you speak your mind against the administration and its policies is that one reason to say you don't love America? Is compassion towards your fellow man a reason for people to say you hate America because you want people to have fair treatment no matter their race, religion, sexual preference, gender ID. Where is this list of reasons people don't love America that is used to judge us? And when did we become required to believe everything that comes out of the mouth of our President and his handpicked cabinet members or his children that he has working for him in advisory positions and doing the country's bidding with no real diplomatic background? Can we say nepotism!

Weare a country of Immigrants..Plain and simple all our heritage come from other parts of the world. They all came here with a dream to make their lives and the lives of their offspring better. They came here to live and love the American dream. So saying they don't love America because they speak up against what the Administration is saying and that in doing so they need to go back where they are from even if they were born within our borders. Well, that is just assinine and childish attitude to have and not one that a leader should have running this country or any other to be clear. If this is how you make America great again that's not the America I love. And I will stand up alongside those this administration claims hate the country and fight to make this country what the founding fathers had in mind. One country, indivisible with liberty and justice for all! Not one economic sector or race. And if you have an issue with that then maybe you should find a country that you can go to that your ways are more accepted. Good luck with finding it also.

Do you call yourself Christian and follow the Teachings of Christ.

avalonbear

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Friday June 28, 2019 · 7:53 PM PDT

2019/06/28 · 19:53

44 years ago I learned a valuable lesson. I learned it on a frozen lake in North Central Indiana. I was at a Methodist church camp for a retreat along with people from other churches. In one of the down times, I went out on the lake to do some ice fishing. On my way back to shore the ice gave way under me. As I fell I threw my pole and gear away from me. I sank like a rock My snowmobile suit soaking up the freezing water like a sponge. I did my best to get back above the water. I just could not get back up on the ice try as I may. My energy was going fast as the cold took its effect on me. That's when I saw several boys up on the shore and yelled to them for help. They stopped and looked my way, I knew they could see me and what was going on and the danger I was in. My life depended on them and quick action on their part. they ran into the building. I just knew that any second one of the adults would come out and then help me. It never happened.
No one came out. What did those boys do and why. I was praying for help and someone to give me a hand before the cold took to big of a toll on me. It was then I knew that it was up to me and me alone to get myself up out of the water and onto the ice then to get back up onto the land and into the building where we were sleeping. Then I heard a voice inside saying reach down and fill your belt. I had thrown all my gear but the one tool that would possibly help me. My throwing ax was still strapped to my belt. I pulled it out and started pulling myself up using the ax to grab onto the ice. It took what felt like a lifetime but I got pulled up onto the ice and crawled across it until I knew it was much thicker. There is where I stood up, collected my gear and walked back to the buildings. As I entered my dorm building one of the adults from my church just happened to be walking out. They saw me looking like a giant frozen popsicle and got me into the building and the snowmobile suit off me and got me into a lukewarm shower to thaw out slowly. There was also another adult that went and got me some dry clothes from my pack and a cup of hot chocolate. Later that evening after we had eaten and were having an open discussion I saw the boys from earlier that ran away instead of helping. I told my story and how that the voice inside I knew had to have been the divine speaking had given me the strength to get up and out of the icy water. And then One of the adults from another church ask the boys why they did not help or even go to get help. There answer should have caused me to get mad but it did not. They said because I was not from their church, their town and that they did not know me they did not feel they had to do anything. Now we all know that in one moment our lives can change and things can end up really bad quickly. I could have cecum to the cold and slipped under not to be found until spring. But I overcame fear and exhaustion and got out. And I also saw 4 boys learn a lesson that night. that you can claim to be something but your actions speak more about who you are truly. Today this story rings true about many people in our country. They refuse to help others because of there skin color, their nationality, their choices in whom they love. and where they live and what religion they follow that differs from them. People claim to be a follower of one religion and to live by the rules set by whom they see as an example of the highest deity in their religion yet. their actions speak volumes of who they really are. Ask your self what would you have said to those boys about their answer to why. and ask yourself if there is an answer you would give to your lord if he asks you why you are allowing racism, bigotry, and hatred to someway make this country a better place for who? It sure is not what is written in that holy book or that which was taught by the child of your Lord.

Our Last Good Bye, Thank you, Kossacks!!

avalonbear

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Sunday June 02, 2019 · 8:37 PM PDT

2019/06/02 · 20:37

Dressed In Black his mother and brother stand with Family to say their last good byes.

Yes, Thank you, Kossacks!!

Just a couple of months ago I ask for help from the community so that I could make a trip to the Memorial for my slane cousin. May 31st I made that trip to Hancock County Tennessee along the banks of the Clinch River. Where the memorial was held. We had Family in from Utah, Minnesota, North Carolina ( 3 separate locations), Indiana, Main, Kentucky, And Tennessee. 25 family members in all made it to the memorial and family reunion event. What I thought was going to be me and my sister traveling down ended up being Her, her Son and Grand Daughter then Me and my two sons in separate vehicles. My sister's son paid for their room and transportation. Your generous donations paid for the Motel room for me and my sons along with the fuel for both the trip down and the return trip home.

Thanks to My son's Grandmother for the generous offer of her car for the trip I did not have to rent one. The trip went very well even with the severe thunderstorms we passed through in KY on Friday.

Saturday when the services were held and the reunion took place it was outstanding weather. The trip home was also wonderful weather.

Thank you, Kossacks!! Without you, I could have not made this trip and said my last goodbye to my cousin. And said Hello to the family members I have never met only seen in pictures.

Thank you all again. AvalonBear

Local Voter turnout, Sad "Why are people not voting"?

avalonbear

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Tuesday May 07, 2019 · 9:31 AM PDT

2019/05/07 · 09:31

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi speaks during her weekly press conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC, on May 2, 2019. (Photo by Jim WATSON / AFP) (Photo credit should read JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images) — Nancy has no clue why people will not get out and vote.

I just got back from my voting location and from how the people inside and outside were talking my city is on a fast pace to break a record today. And not a good one at all. Seems that today the amount of voters showing up is even below record bad turnouts. It is sad when the number of supporters is bigger than the voters all day. 4 precincts vote at one location, that's 9 thousand voters. And per exit polls, less than 3 hundred had voted by noon. Now I know this is not a Precedential or congressional election but come on people, Why is it that you can’t get out and exercise your right to vote. This morning I walked in with a cane, barely able to get inside without stopping 4 or 5 times to rest because of the hip joint issues. And people complain about who gets elected but they can not be bothered to vote. No, your vote doesn’t count if you don’t vote. My Family has been on this continent since before the revolutionary war, serving in our military in every conflict. Why because they were and are fighting for the rights of all Americans . and one of the biggest rights they fought for and fight for is the right to have representation in government by the people for the people. If you don’t vote your spitting in the face of all those who have served to protect your rights.

I’m not sure what has to happen to get people out to vote. Do we need to make it a paid holiday? do we need to make it compulsive that you don’t get a benefit if you don’t, or you get fined if you don’t? Every election locally I post that I’m willing to give rides to the polling places not just for the elderly but anyone who is legal to vote, I also offer to take them to the post office so they can mail in their early or absentee ballots. I very rarely get anyone to take me up on my offers.

Every time I turn on the Radio, TV or my computer I hear let us make America great again. Well, let us do just that in one simple way. Get out and get people to start voting. What are your views on how to get people out to the election sites? How do we get people motivated to vote?

avalonbear

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Monday May 06, 2019 · 4:23 PM PDT

2019/05/06 · 16:23

My cousin in the place he loved to be most. The woods.

I would like to thank everyone who pitched in last month and helped me get a good portion of my funding goal in the bank. The donations will help cover the hotel cost for Me and my youngest son to stay two nights at the Reunion/memorial for my slane cousin. The fundraiser raised $265 of the $400 that I was hoping to raise. I’m still hoping to raise $135 for fuel and food expenses for the trip. My Paypal address is avalonbear@yahoo.com. As I said in my last blog, My Issues with this are I live on disability and an extra $400 for motels, food and helping with the gas cost is going to leave me short for a couple of months. I could really use some help with this. If anyone could help out I would be so thankful. To update everyone the hotel is paid for. so I am just that much closer I’m really hoping that I can get the remainder ($135)

I did have a bit of good fortune My former Mother in law has given me the use of her car for the weekend so that I do not have to rent a car or travel with my sister and her husband that chain-smokes. I have COPD really bad and 700 miles round trip in a closed vehicle with a heavy smoker would be very bad for me. Thank one and all of my donators again. without you, I would not be able to make this trip a reality.

Thanks again Bear.

(OP)

At some point around the end of February, I received one of those messages that no one wants to hear. My Cousin messaged me to call her. I did and the news she had was not good. Calls and messages like this are never good. Her half Brother had been found in a woods near Sneedville Tenn. Dead With severe head trauma. Her half Brother also my cousin was living near his son not far from the Clinch River on property his mother owned. His Mom is my Mom’s sister, his father is or was my father's brother. He and I had grown up just as close as brothers so this hit me extremely hard.What hits harder is the fact that the Sheriff’s office and the TBI will not tell us anything about what their investigation found out. The old excuse” It is an ongoing investigation “ tears at the heart.

We’ll finally they released the body to the family and my Aunt traveled to the area and paid for the Cremation of the body, His effects were released to Her and his son. But no information. She is taking this ever so hard as well as the rest of the family.

To Honor his memory the cousins along with my Aunt and his son have decided to have a memorial service for him on the banks of the river near where he was living and near the home of his son. This we have all agreed on and are planning to do this on the first day of June. My Sister, Her Husband, and granddaughter are planning on making the trip down, I have been invited to travel with them.

My Issues with this are I live on disability and an extra $400 for motels, food and helping with the gas cost is going to leave me short for a couple of months. I could really use some help with this. If anyone could help out I would be so thankful. If I cannot get any help I’ll not be able to make this trip. My Own vehicle will not make the trip. and there is no other family I can travel with.

My Paypal address is avalonbear@yahoo.com. If you prefer to send it snail mail. Kos Mail me for the address.

Numb from the shock and inner pain. Requesting help!

avalonbear

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Monday April 22, 2019 · 10:28 AM PDT

2019/04/22 · 10:28

My Paypal address is avalonbear@yahoo.com. If you prefer to send it snail mail. Kos Mail me for the address.

Now I know the pain!

avalonbear

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Saturday April 13, 2019 · 5:14 AM PDT

2019/04/13 · 05:14

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally for me. after dealing with marital assets division. Someplace deep inside I was hoping this was a very bad dream. And that I would wake up and find out that it was just a dream.And that it really never happened. But when I woke up there was the paperwork laying on my table. I went through my parent's divorce and that hurt because I thought I caused it. I tried to make sure that I would never ever have to say that word again but now I know the pain of that word from a different viewpoint. People tell me that "Time heals all wounds" and I have to move on with my life. But right now all I want is to crawl up in a cave and hide. Yesterday was the first time in 29 years I had a hard time hugging her or even touching her. And damn that hurts deep.

There is an epidemic in our country.

avalonbear

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Thursday March 21, 2019 · 1:18 PM PDT

2019/03/21 · 13:18

There is an epidemic in our country that people are dismissing and looking the other way about.
It is affecting every town nationwide and it would not be hard to stop.
Religious groups should be the ones leading this cause if they truly follow their holy teachings.
Veterans groups should be right there by their

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 8: David Turner, a homeless man, surveys the trees beyond the makeshift shelter he built of tent material and logs in woods of Fredericksburg, Virginia on June 8, 2012. In the foreground, a donation of toiletries from Project Dominic sits on his spikey, wooden barricade. Turner's shelter is one of several in the Fredericksburg area. (Photo by Daniel C. Britt/The Washington Post via Getty Images)

side of this cause.
What is the cause that is such an epidemic here in the USA,
Well, it is homelessness. And many of the homeless are Veterans, not all but a large amount.
Here in our town and county of 133,000. people there are nearly 300 people or even more
that is right this minute are homeless.
Sleeping in tents or cars or even walking the streets sleeping behind dumpsters
or corners of building any place to shelter themselves from the weather.
Take a drive around town late of an evening or night
And you will see them. Look outside of soup kitchens or food pantry they are there.
Young and old, black, white and other races and of both genders. And sexual/Genders identification
People ignore them like it does not exist but it is a growing epidemic.
Our city fathers try to hide this and enact rules and regulations that are bandaids to cover the issue up.
thinking that if you stop a tent city from existing or keep people from helping feed the homeless
that this will put an end to the issue, Well it does not.
We need a better solution to the problem.
And the Federal government, State and local governments need to help fund projects to
help get these people off the homeless list and back to being a productive member of our communities.
Instead of a wall on our border, we need walls built that are part of homes for these Veterans and other homeless people.
Our city's and counties need to change building codes that simple tiny homes are legal to build and erect.
And that church's or civic organization can build small communities that give shelter to the homeless
and give them a chance to better themselves.
Get the homeless medical help, educational help, work assistance programs, legal help, and mental therapy.
Programs in other locations are showing this can be done and very effective.
Our community can come together and get things done it only takes one simple step forward to do so.
People need to stand up and see the issue and make a pledge to help stop Homelessness.
No matter what faith you are, what color or nationality you are or even your gender this concerns you all.
You could be the one in that tent or sleeping in that car cold and hungry waiting for just one break.
Help do something to stop this epidemic and not just hide it or put your head in the sand.
Write your representatives, local, state and federal. Stand up in your place of worship and get this out in the open.
Go to a city council meeting and voice your opinion. Write an op-ed in your paper,
Donate time at a shelter or food kitchen or even at a free mental health center to just talk with and help the homeless.
Make America great again is the slogan we keep seeing but it's not going to happen without compassion and dedication
of you and your opening, your eyes and seeing our real national emergency.

discerning what is the truth VRS Propaganda

avalonbear

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Sunday March 10, 2019 · 6:36 PM PDT

2019/03/10 · 18:36

I have been told that sitting at home and reading, doing research on political events and viewpoints has caused me to not think. That I should step out into the world and see what's going on around me. I had to disagree with that person's view of my life. Why because I get a world of views right at my fingertips. I have forums that pride there-selves on not just saying what people want to hear, but fact-checking and having several check-able sources. I have news sources that do not bias. They are feeding me a daily up-to-the-minute feed of true events taking place not just locally but internationally. I also have a multitude of friends in several economic situations that make there political and social economic views known daily and several are not even in the boundaries of my home country. And truth be known I'm not just sitting at home having the internet fill my mind with untruths. I am seeing an unbiased view of what's happening here and across the USA and even the world. I am keeping my mind moving by reading and discerning what is the truth over what is propaganda.

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