So, Donald, I hear that you are so concerned about terrorist attacks that you want to ban moslems from entering the country.
I think that’s completely wrong-headed. Morally. Ethically. I think it’s unpatriotic to suggest that America is afraid of people so desperate to flee rape and massacre that they take the kind of risks that end with their dead children washing ashore on Mediterranean beaches.
But mainly I think my risk of being mass murdered by a Syrian refugee is so vanishingly small that—setting aside events that are most likely to kill me, like driving my car to the local grocery store, or tripping and falling, being shot by someone’s legal handgun, or choking to death on an ill-considered entree—I am vastly more imperiled even by events that have almost no likelihood of happening at all. I am literally more likely to be crushed by my sofa than to be killed by moslem terrorists brandishing, ah, what are we calling them these days, long guns I guess.
And so I’m wondering why you haven’t suggested a war on being crushed by sofas as a better way to make Americans more safe than ludicrously suggesting that interrupting the travel arrangements of millions of moslem businessmen and vacationers will somehow make us safer.
But fine, you disagree. You think what you think. Why don’t we make things interesting, then?
I am so certain that you will not be killed by a moslem terrorist at any time, in the next five years, that I am willing to bet you not only everything I have, but everything I will ever have, for the rest of my life, if you are killed by a moslem terrorist during that time. That’s right, I am willing to enter into voluntary servitude for the rest of my natural life, benefitting your heirs, in the event of your untimely death, on American soil, at the hands of anyone of the Islamic faith any time in the next 5 years.
Naturally, this would be in consideration for your willingness to return the favor if you somehow manage to survive this terrible, terrible risk unscathed.
Now sure, I am poorer than you and so the bet is unfair in that regard, but against that you, being a public figure prone to making statements that enrage enormous numbers people, are much more likely to be targeted by a terror attack than a mere random citizen like me. Which would mean you have a better chance of winning.
Anyway, I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like this, but when I believe in something as firmly as you must, I am absolutely willing to put my money where my mouth is.
Aren’t you?
