Warning. This essay will contain vague and specific spoilers.
On July 5, (2018) BFSkinner published a diary entitled “Which modern/recent TV shows have you seen every episode of?” One of my comments to that diary was, “Wow. A lot of shows I’ve never heard of. I’ll have to bookmark this page to check them out.”
A few days later I looked at that diary again to check out some of the shows to see what they are about. Of course I heard about “The Americans”. I even watched part of the first episode. But I never watched it again. I had forgotten all about it. So many people who commented on that diary mentioned it, and praised it. I said to myself, OK let me check it out.
My sister is at training class in California so I’m house sitting. I found myself with more free time to watch TV shows, so I binged watched it. I saw every single episode. Yes, like an idiot I stayed to the very end. Hopefully it will be the first, last and only time a stupid TV show made me so mad I can’t get past the pain without poking it in the eyes.
This show, was the biggest crock of nothing, I have ever seen. Which maybe a major point. I think the only reason it's popular is because it depicts the FBI and CIA to be absolute dunderheads and the KGB agents to be the smartest ones in the room. Smart but delusional, fanatical and maturely regressed until season 6 when it was all too late. I just could not believe a word of it. I kept arguing with the characters to do something, anything, interesting. The most colorful thing anyone does on the show is when Philip buys a Camaro Z-28. The most illuminating thing revealed about Elizabeth is that we know she saw “Mommie Dearest”. I admit I did not see that coming. In all other respects she’s a walking, talking KGB operating manual.
I did like the long drawn out intro of “Fleetwood Mac’s” “The Chain” as the introduction to the show. That was promising. However I found the whole thing silly, and tedious, and mostly dull. Which means sometimes exciting. That is until you realize you are in bed with a lousy lover. Sexy false drama can only titillate so much until you wonder where they bought their cloths, and what did they eat after, and did they go to the Beach Boys July 4th concert in 1980.
I did marvel at how expertly the creators of this show managed to pick the perfect couple to be their Boris and Natasha. They couldn't have done better job if they tried. Which then leads me to judge this show against every Rocky and Bullwinkle episode there is. Rocky and Bullwinkle are ahead by miles. And as we know, in most circles Rocky and Bullwinkle are vastly underrated detectives. In fact, in a later season of the show, one of their adventures did remind me of a Rocky and Bullwinkle episode. I can't remember which one now. But Elizabeth was sitting on the bed talking to Philip discussing the plan. With her hair flowing over her shoulder ever so perfectly, and the look on her face, in that moment she was Natasha through and through.
I maintain that Rocky and Bullwinkle would have had those two at the end of season 3. Hell Dudley Do-Right would have had them at the end of season 3. But as it stood it had Navin Johnson in that role instead, so it took 6 years. He finally found his special purpose. But we’ll get to that later.
Honestly, was I supposed to laugh when Natasha says, "We aren't supposed to draw attention to ourselves?" Or was I supposed to take a shot? Which is it, or is it both? Was this a drinking game show?
Natasha, Natasha, Natasha. You're already drawing attention to yourselves, you do it every single day. Why stop now? And you go so big, you’ll never go home. You’re gigantic. You alone are the inspiration for the quote. You are the standard by which all evil TV villains will be judged against. Applause, applause, applause. Well done.
If only you could stop your insistent fanatical bellowing for one second you may take note of the fact you're dealing with The Keystone Cops here. All that’s missing is Ragtime music. “Good Golly Miss Molly, sure like to ball”, the FBI’s paper clips are smarter than they are. What they did with Navin in the last episode was criminal. No it wasn’t. It was treachery. It was treacherous treachery. And It made me type this rant.
I was so proud of Navin when he said to Oleg, “I don’t care who runs your country...” Navin was working in counterintelligence in the FBI. Lets see, who else could warn Gorbachev of an assassination attempt? It’s not like Navin could immediately leave that cell and do something about it. I mean wouldn’t that be the definition of a counterintelligence operation? Nope it’s got to be those two creatures from the Black Lagoon masquerading as travel agents that leave a bloody trail of dead and broken bodies straight to their doorstep and beyond. Only them. No one else. And even if Gorbachev dies. The Berlin Wall stays intact, the Soviet Union lives on, and my mom never visits Russia a few years ago. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
This show loved nonsense. And the nonsense that had me enraged with fume. The nonsense that demanded I get even with it, and all it’s silly nonsense friends, and their nonsense family members, with their nonsense dogs, and their nonsense next door neighbors, with their nonsense dogs going all the way back the very first episode. The nonsense that slashed my tires, burned my hair, stole my money, threw my phone, in a pond, left me to die, in a ditch. Tped my house, cut up my cloths, slept with my boyfriend, and painted my cat, green. Nonsense that is so diabolical, that with the right level of concentration could be weaponized, globally. The nonsense that did all that...to me...was... when...Natasha brings home some leftovers for Boris that she, Fearless Leader Claudia, and Paige made. Boris says he just got done eating Chinese take out. But thought about it for a second then takes a bite. Natasha then throws the rest of it in the sink because they aren’t supposed to have Russian food in the house.
Are you fucking kidding me? Am I supposed to believe that they believe FBI and CIA agents from all 50 states are going to swoop down on a house in suburban D.C. simply because someone somewhere smelled paprika and tomato sauce? Really? It never occurs to these two they have more to fear from their KGB pals then they do Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Because watching this show I came to that conclusion two maybe three seasons ago.
And I know what you’re going to say. They didn’t believe they would be arrested for eating Russian food. Natasha maniacally threw the food away and used that as an opportunity to say, “Fuck you Boris. Snap out of it. Start killing people with gusto again, like me. Russia needs you. Fine, you won’t work for Mother Russia, you don’t get Mother Russia’s best.” Plop in the sink.
But, you don’t do that. Could you imagine Henry Hill doing that? And by the way, how did she survive the ride home? Was the stew sealed in a lead lined ice chest? And how come authorities didn’t burst in at Fearless Leader Claudia’s apartment when they were making it? Oh, maybe I’m being too hard on Natasha. It could be they just never heard of leftovers, and it’s just a cultural misunderstanding. No doves, no clapping.
If you take the show at it’s word Natasha throws the food out because they aren’t allowed to have Russian food in the house. Ipso facto they really believe agents are hiding behind a bush in the backyard with an Smell-O-Meter detecting suspicious Russian foods, up to and including. Russian Dressing. Go Westinghouse.
”We’re sure to catch these evil spies now Mr. Peabody.”
”Right you are Sherman. Bring the Smell-O-Meter closer to the house.”
“OK Mr. Peabody.”
”Now if we can just tune it in better, yep Russian Dressing.”
”Really Mr. Peabody?”
”Look for yourself Sherman.”
”We’ve got enough evidence to send these spies to Liverwurst.”
”That’s Leavenworth Sherman.”
”Quick we have to get Navin Johnson the dimwitted FBI agent to capture these two.”
”How are we going to do that?”
”Easy Sherman. we’ll go to FBI headquarters and put up big signs with arrows on them that say KGB Spies this way, direct them here with the last one aimed right at their house.”
”Hey this is my neighborhood, this is my street, these are my neighbors.”
Knock, knock, knock.
”Hi, Navin. What’s up?”
”Do you have KGB spies living at your house?
”Nope, no KGB spies here.”
”We must have the wrong house men.”
”Ask to look in their refrigerator.”
”Ah, what’s this. Russian Dressing. You’re under arrest.”
”Well Mr. Peabody Russian Dressing got them in the end.”
”Of course Sherman, it’s...Ha ha ha, Spies-see.
I may have given that a pass in the first season, but not in the last one. Nope I wouldn’t have given it a pass at all.
”Look guys we have these two on this murder, this murder, this one, this one, bugging Gaad’s office, marrying Gaad’s secretary, this, this. And all this other stuff.”
”Don’t forget the Russian stew.”
“That’s right, the Russian stew, I forgot all about that.”
”And the Russian Dressing.”
”They’ll burn in Hell. Let’s get them.”
”You know my aunt likes Russian dressing. She puts it in an avocado.”
“Is she a KGB spy? Wait, hold on, are you sure it isn’t Catalina dressing?”
”No I’m not.”
“When’s the last time you’ve seen her”
“It’s been a while. She lives in Eugene Oregon and heads a Quilting Bee. Her brother’s a Shriner.”
“Interesting. I have an aunt, I mean I had an aunt that could spell words backwards really fast.”
“Was she a KGB spy?”
“She had a...”
“Are you two done, doing this?”
“Can we go catch spies now? And I’m pretty sure it is French dressing your aunt puts in an avocado.”
“French dressing?”
”You know I’m certain it’s them but, this guy has a mustache.”
I liked three episodes.
One: The assassination attempt of Reagan because it’s something that happened in reality so you could put what’s going on in some sort of context.
Two: The episode that tries to describe the infancy of the Internet. I appreciated the comic relief aspect of it.
Three: The episode in which Boris and Natasha kill the Nazi collaborator. I guess it’s because it didn’t drag on for three episodes. It was a one-off. But even that one is flawed. it was stupid for them to kill her. They should have found a way to report her to the proper authorities, and drag her off to The Hague. It would be embarrassing to the U.S. And a public relations victory for the U.S.S.R., which would be more valuable to them than two more dead bodies.
Season five was like slogging through treacle mixed with tar. Nothing happens. And by that I mean a lot of things happened in the 80’s. The Titanic was discovered, the A.I.D.S. epidemic and Reagan’s reaction to it, the US Festival, Live Aid, Farm Aid, (yuk I have to type this) Just Say No, the assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II, Diana and Charles’s wedding, “Blade Runner” is released. So many things happened and little to nothing is mentioned in that season to help you understand the environment in which the action takes place. There’s no context to anything. It just meanders around signifying nothing except Paige losing her religion and gaining a hobby. Fearless Leader Gabriel retires to go to the old Fearless Leader’s home. And Boris and Natasha become jaded and pawn-like. I’d rather spend time with Henry in math class. Or go to Buenos Aires with Father Tim. Most of that season was unnecessary.
But it wasn’t about things happening. It was about relationships, and emotions. Boo fucking hoo. No one was likable, so I didn’t care. There’s a difference between likable and pathetic.
The only bright spot in season five is Oleg’s story which is doomed from the start. Because he’ll never be able to arrest and prosecute the people really responsible for the food corruption situation. But it was nice to get out of Boris and Natasha’s hair to hang out with Oleg to help him solve crimes which will go unpunished. Which brings me to my other major gripe about this show.
Boris and Natasha get information from their Fearless Leader that they have to act on. Well show us the back story of all those missions. Show us how the KGB gets the information that the U.S. is plotting to poison their food supply. Show us the beginning of the mad telephone game from creation to Boris and Natasha’s ears. Show the food scandal from the fields to the table of high ranking officials. When Fearless Leader Claudia says, “Things are bad back home.” What does that mean? Does it mean people are dying in the streets? Does it mean people are coming out of the woodwork to protest the government? Does it mean the Black Market is running amok, amok? Or does it mean Soviet sponsored rock bands are playing “Stairway to Heaven”, “Gimme Shelter”, and “Back in the USSR” in Gorky Park? Right out in the open where anyone can see. Just show it. I absolutely hate the fact I was yelling at Boris and Natasha, “Trust. but verify!” I hate that.
The best thing I can say about the story is, it's about how the largess of the Soviet Union spent on KGB activities amounted to having the exact opposite effect it was trying to achieve. The Berlin Wall and the Soviet regime were fated to fall under the weight of their own penury. Which could be the whole point of the show. But they could have done such a better job illustrating it.
The acting was fantastic.
I did care about Frank Gaad. A fantastic portrayal by a great actor in a good role. I felt sorry for him. He was stuck between Navin Johnson and the KGB, with the Memphis Blues again.
By the end of the series I only cared about Mathew, Henry and Oleg, and that's it.
I hated Fearless Leaders Claudia and Gabriel throughout. They weren’t so fearless. Not when we meet them. And you would have to be a gullible blob of Barney Fife to have not seen through them. I guess that's a point in Boris’s favor, he was the first to start using his brain. Which he demonstrated so well in the Reagan assassination attempt episode in season one. Apparently that skill has a peculiar half life. And to be fair Barney Fife would have seen through them. He just wouldn’t be able to get to his bullet in time. And when he did get to it he’d shoot himself in the foot. Fearless Leader Claudia bitterly and resentfully cooks while she doles out adventures to Boris and Natasha in anguish. She can see the end of the dream, and everybody must pay for it. Gabriel’s theme song would be “The Thrill is Gone”. He listens to B.B. King while he cooks.
I didn't care about Martha. She deserved her fate for being too stupid to live. I was half hoping she would fall in love and marry a mail robot repairman. Much like Jane Fonda's character in “9 to 5”. They could smoke pot and do M&M’s and live happily ever after. And you can’t stop them.
I could have cared less about Paige. I didn't believe her at first, didn't like her at second, and in the end she was neither here nor there for me. I felt nothing when she got off the train. She'll probably go back to college, get a major in world history. Possibly a Doctorate, and minor in literature. Then think about collaborating with her mom in writing a spy novel.
“Ten Years Gone” would have made a better fit for me than “With or Without You”. It would have had a sting in it's tail. It was the 80's and a Kimmy would have heard of Pink Floyd. “The Wall” was ubiquitous around the world. It still is. There’s an opera based on it that opened this week in Cincinnati. And everyone under the age of 30 would have gone to a Van Halen concert. It's as if this show was set in the mid to late 60's with no mention of The Beatles, or Woodstock, or Hendrix. And nobody in D.C. would have watched The Super Bowl with Washington as a participant, or any team for that matter, on those stupid square TVs.
The utter nonsense this show put me through took me right out of it, forcing me to argue with the characters at every turn. If, the nonsense was funny, or ironic or broke the 4th. wall, or did something mildly interesting, it wouldn't have, but it didn't, so I did.
Nevertheless the show could have redeemed itself for me entirely. If, in the last episode they showed Boris and Natasha going into a McDonald's in Moscow after seeing Reagan in Red Square answer the question; "Do you still think The Soviet Union is an Evil Empire?"
They didn't have to go to a McDonald's intentionally. But maybe just walking home after seeing Reagan then strolling by a McDonald's not even paying attention to it at first because they've seen them a million times. But then realizing where they were, in Moscow, looking at each other in despair, walking in getting slapped across the face with reality, then walking out. That would have been a great punishment for the two of them. Spending an anniversary by going to a Pizza Hut for dinner then seeing “The Hunt For Red October”. Living their lives out from middle to old age wallowing in their loserdom.
But before alcoholism, or heroin addiction or a mysterious encounter from their misbegotten youth shows up to remind them of their good old days, Boris would have opened up a travel agency in Moscow specializing in trips to the U.S. as well as...most likely seeing “The Hunt for Red October”. Natasha would toy with the idea of opening up a wig boutique, but her heart’s just not in it.
If the show had given me something, anything.
"We are Russians, we know how to keep secrets." Has got nothing on:
"The Russians don't take a dump son without a plan." Not in the same league at all.
Epilogue
The last thing Navin says in the show is I'm going to kill them. Navin will stay in the FBI so he can do just that.
Boris will open up his travel agency in Moscow specializing in trips to the U.S. like I said. That is until Navin kills him.
Henry will go through what he has to go through but with Stan's help he'll become a Top Gun pilot. Or, join the FBI to achieve a sort of redemption for himself and his family. He'll see his dad again soon. Henry and Boris will meet in Berlin. Boris and Henry will go to a good German restaurant order good German sausages and good German beer, and see “The Hunt For Red October”. Natasha will have no interest in Berlin, good German sausages, good German beer, “The Hunt For Red October”, or her son. Henry will chisel a chunk off the Berlin Wall for a souvenir then go back home.
Paige will go back to college and get a doctorate in World History and minor in literature. Still hoping one day to collaborate with her mom on a spy novel. Which will be the only thing that will keep Natasha from going deeper and deeper into a depression and alcoholism with each new opening of a western food chain. She's doomed to wallow in that fate. She and Paige working on a spy novel would curtail that a bit. It will be good for Natasha. It would put a smile on her face as she relives her heady wild, sexy, delusional, fanatical glory days. But that's in Paige's fantasy. Navin will kill her.
When Russia opens up it will be easier for Navin to find and kill Boris and Natasha. That's why nothing will happen to Paige. If Navin takes Paige in, then everything becomes official. Navin assures Paige that she won't be arrested or harassed in any way. Maybe he'll even take her under his wing. It will make it easier for Navin to keep tabs on Paige that way, but solely to find Boris and Natasha. With Navin it will be personal, for vengeance.
After Navin kills Boris and Natasha, Paige of course won't be able to collaborate with her mom. But she could try to find out all the activities her parents were involved in. Which would give her background to write her spy novel.
Navin, having killed Boris and Natasha, will become Stan again, retire to go fly fishing forever with his girlfriend. And once again the world will be safe for wigs, mustaches, cowboy boots, pizza, Russian stew, fake IDs, fake passports, pot from Afghanistan, travel agencies, Commodore 64s, Chinese take out, mail robots, suitcases, duffel bags, French, Russian and Catalina dressing, cyanide capsules, sex, wheat, planes, trains, and Camaro Z-28’s, condoms?, McDonald’s, EST, the Canadian border, Pink Floyd, Eddie Murphy, hockey, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and license plates.
Oleg will be released from prison very soon, and do whatever he wants to do.
Martha might be able to go home. But for what? She'll have to start all over. If she does go back she'll live with her parents who will go to Russia to get her. In fact maybe she'll write the spy novel. She'll have fountains of available free time on her hands. She will be the one to do all the research on Boris and Natasha. In doing her research she'll seek Paige out and the both of them will write the spy novel. Considering this story and the outcome, yes it could happen.
Fearless Leaders Claudia and Gabriel will kill themselves. They'll meet in a coffee shop, Claudia will order tea. The waitress will say, “We have Orange Pekoe, English Breakfast, Darjeeling, Mint, Chamomile, Czar Nikolas II,...”
“Just plain black tea, thank you.”
They will speak in hushed tones until they hear The Rolling Stones playing in the background…
“If you start me up,
If you start me up I'll never stop”…
Then Gabriel will say in a normal tone of voice, "Well, that's that."
Claudia will say, "Really, is that really that?"
Gabriel will say, "Yes."
They'll go to a cabin somewhere, make a big Russian dinner and invite nobody, eat drink and be miserable, say a few words about Boris and Natasha then kill themselves.
Mathew will want get as far away as he can from all this. He'll end up in California selling drugs to Guns and Roses which will help him get a job working for Whitesnake in some capacity. Then he'll create Myspace, retire, and live on a yacht in Vietnam.
Ah, but this is all speculation on a ridiculous TV show which was superb at bamboozling people with great acting as they beguile them with blanket bullshit.
"This is blanket bullshit Rocky."
"For once you’re right Bullwinkle."
“I wasn’t even wearing my thinking cap.”
Tune in next time for: Beguiled, and Bamboozled Bullshit Bothers Men Bewitching the Blankets.
Or: Next time bring a trunk.
I don’t bear a grudge against anyone who likes this show. A lot of people like it. The Young Turks love this show. I could have bailed on it, and I take full responsibility for staying to the end. I just thought it was all going to amount to something. But it just went pheauawah. Knowing by doing that it was challenging people to a duel. So the way I see it, they asked for it.
