AS THE WORM TURNS, Season 2, Episode 1:
“Now with Added Blinis!"
UNCTUOUS VOICE-OVER, reading aloud from a brochure:
Welcome to the Mar-A-Lardo Club — The brightest bauble in the diadem of Nouveau Beach, bordered by the ocean on one side and the Black Lagoon on the other. Here, in this luxuriant, quasi-royal setting, the Mar-a-Lardo club’s privileged members can wallow in elegance in the world’s most ostentatious VIP suites, served by the world’s most obsequious staff.
Mar-a-Lardo’s guests can enjoy an array of recreational activities, including golf, tennis, croquet, and manatee-baiting at the beautiful oceanfront Windjammer Club! They can choose from a variety of fine dining options, ranging from European haute cuisine to a Big Mac meal—fries and medium beverage included!
At the very pinnacle of this pyramid of poshness stands the signature Mar-a-Lardo experience: being treated to an impromptu “celebrity appearance” by former President Donald J. Trump himself! You might be attending a wedding, hosting a private dinner, baiting a manatee, or perhaps enjoying the most intimate romantic tryst—and at any time, former President Trump could suddenly make a surprise entrance and completely dominate the bridal, the banquet, the baiting, or the boudoir, with one of his unique, celebrated stream-of-consciousness monologues!
If you are so fortunate as to be blessed with one of these magical visitations, a modest surcharge of 25% will be added to your bill. The surcharge funds will be used solely for the humanitarian purposes of establishing charitable trusts in the Cayman Islands and in Switzerland.
You think twenty-five percent is steep? How can you put a price on treasured memories that will last a lifetime?
Scene 1:
Russian mobsters Flogdan Brutalski and Viciouslav Malevolenko are now comfortably installed in a deluxe suite at Mar-a-Lardo. They sprawl on gold velvet couches playing a violent video game.
Flogdan: (Pew-pew-pew-pew!)
Viciouslav: (Ka-tow! Ka-tow!)
Enter their lady friends—Irina, Irina, Irina, and Katya, just returned from a swim.
Irina: Only one thing I hate about this place—disgusting old man who always comes into cabana while we are changing!
Irina: Crazy asshole thinks we are in Miss Universe contest.
Irina: He talks crazy talk, bla, bla, bla! I don’t listen.
Katya: He always grab me here (indicating where). He says he is President of United States. Ha. No person so disgusting can be President!
Irina: What about Putin.
Katya: (crosses herself, spits)
Irina: Flogdan Dmitrievich, please tell this old pervert to not bother us.
Flogdan: Fat bald crazy guy?
Irinas: Yes, him.
Flogdan: He is harmless old bum, used to own this place.
Scene 2:
The Grand Ballroom at Mar-a-Lardo. Ivanka, Donald Trump Junior, and that brother Whatshisname walk in on the Russian mobsters Brutalski and Malevolenko, who are partying boisterously with the Irinas, Katya, and Kimberly Guilfoyle, who is somewhat drunk and dancing on a table for Malevolenko. More than somewhat drunk, perhaps.
Ivanka: What on earth is going on here? Wild drunken parties day and night, loud balalaika music, nothing but borscht and blinis on the menus!
Malevolenko: (truculent stare)
Ivanka: AND THAT GUY! He’s scaring business away! The other guests don’t feel safe, they are leaving in droves!
Donald Trump Junior: (outraged tone) You people act like you own this place!
Flogdan: Correct! We do own this place. We repossess for non-payment. Here, have drink!
Ivanka: You people can’t just barge in here and take over! My father was the President!
Whatshisname: Where ‘s my Daddy? (sniffle) What have you done with him? (sob)
Junior: Kimberley! What are you doing on that table? … First you say you can’t commit, and then you … Will you come down from there! (does a bump of coke)
Flogdan: (to Junior) This stuff you have is shit, I can tell. It is weak, like Ukraine.* I give you some blow will blow top of your head off. (offers Junior a bag)
Junior: Hey, great! (does some lines immediately) Whoooo! DAMN! Thanks, Ivan, or whatever your name is!
Flogdan: Flogdan. Nice to meet you, Donald Donaldovich.
Junior: … Uh… I think I’ll stay here and party a while…
Ivanka: You’re useless, Donny. I’m calling security!
Flogdan: Pretty lady, WE are security.
_________________________
* This imaginary Russian goon’s opinion is not necessarily that of the Author.
Scene 3:
In Mar-a-Lardo’s Bridal Suite, newlyweds Harold and Isabel Holstein are just turning back the duvet on the bed. Isabel is clad in a negligée, Harold in his shorts. There is a knock at the door.
Harold: That’ll be Room Service. I ordered us a little champagne and caviar to kick off our honeymoon!
Isabel: Ooh! Bring it in.
The door opens; an obsequious servitor with a cart is there.
Harold: (tipping him) Thank you, my man!
The servant bows out. Before the door can close, former one-term President Donald Trump shoves it back open and lurches into the room.
Harold: Hey, what the….
Isabel: Ohmygod, it’s President Trump!
Harold: Hey, great to meet you, Mr. President, but um, this isn’t exactly the time for…
Trump: I just wanted to say congratulations to the happy couple! And kiss the bride of course! (grabbing Isabel and forcing a sloppy wet kiss on her mouth.)
Isabel: Gasp! (wiping her mouth) Ugh! Ketchup.
Harold: Now look, Mr. Trump, I really...
Trump: (leering) She’s got a great bod, Harvey! (squeezing Isabel’s rear end). You’re a lucky man! If she was my daughter, I’d be dating her!
Isabel: (beseechingly) Harold...
Harold: Uh, will you just please…
Trump: Your wife’s very attractive but she seems troubled. Those kind are really the best in bed! Like Lindsey Lohan, y’know, and I mean I know this personally. I coulda nailed Princess Di too if I’d wanted to … You know, these bitches that want to sue me are just unattractive women that can’t get laid. They’re dogs, and no wonder they can’t get a man, so they turn dyke and sue ME! It’s all political. These indictments are the same thing, there is no case, no case at all. Even RINOS and Democrats say Jack Smith is a deranged lesbian and has no case. Fani Willis has no case, she is a homely dyke and she has it in for me because she hates successful attractive white men who wouldn’t bang her if she was the last broad on earth. Weaponizing the dyke system! That’s the whole story right there! (Despite this being the whole story, Trump drivels on and on for 45 more minutes, while the Holsteins sit there like stone statues.)
And so, for the present, we say do svidaniya to Mar-a-Lardo, that internationally renowned hostelry and classified document clearinghouse, whose venerable, peach-pink walls have heard more preposterous drivel than you can shake a stick at.
This is Episode 1 in the Second Season of the Mar-a-Lardo Soap Opera, As the Worm Turns. Stay tuned for more light-hearted high-jinks!
See links below for all 8 episodes of Season One:
Episode 1: “Children of a Loser God”
Episode 2: "Of Inhuman Bondage"
Episode 3: “The Fraudfather”
Episode 4: “Labor Day at Mar-a-Lardo”
Episode 5: “Releasing the Kraken!”
Episode 6: “SLIME”
Episode 7: “Dankness at Noon”
Episode 8: “Terrible Towers”
