BREAKING NEWS: 09:30PST TUESDAY APRIL 19, 2016
At approximately 08:38 this morning a peaceful protest turned serious as members of PETA and the New Black Panther Party entered and occupied the Bundy Ranch, owned by Cliven Bundy and his family. While all of the initial occupiers were unarmed, the group hired members of a motorcycle club, the “Bandidos”, to serve as armed security.
“We the people are here to set the cattle and other animals free,” said PETA spokesperson Flower Loveblossom. “The animals were here before the days of mankind, and their rights to the land date back much further than your laws or constitutions.”
The occupation originally began as an attempted sing-a-long outside a military recruiting station. According to Loveblossom “We were on our way to the recruiting station when we heard about the emaciated and neglected cattle being tortured on the Bundy Ranch. Our usual M.O. [modus operandi, ed.] is to sing songs of peace, while the members of the New Black Panthers stand in front of the building and politely hold doors open for people and wish them a nice day. It’s what Fox News calls treason. But when we heard of the plight of our heifer brothers, we knew we had a mission.”
An unidentified spokesperson for the New Black Panthers, however, offered an alternative view. “It’s true, we were on our way there,” the source maintained, “but you know that bus was converted to run on used vegetable oil, and we ran out of old french fry grease just over there by the road. So as we were sitting there, we spotted this ranch and decided that occupying it would make a strong political statement about not occupying land that belongs to animals and stuff. It wasn’t until we googled the address to see where we were that we realized their cattle were in a poor state. Unfortunately, they weren’t actually here, so we just let some chickens out. They didn’t go very far. I’m sure they’ll be back later.”
According to the same source, “When we found out where we were, we realized we needed armed security against any local militias or lynch mobs or whatever, so we called the Bandidos.” When asked why New Black Panthers members weren’t personally carrying weapons, the spokesperson said, “Are you kidding? Cops shoot black men for carrying wallets, candy bars, and whatever, but at least when they do that they have to make up some excuse afterwards. You see us openly carrying so much as a slingshot, and they’d send in drones to bomb this place flat. Sure, back in the day the Panthers were packing, but it’s one thing to live in an uncompromising way, you know what brother Huey P. Newton called ‘revolutionary suicide’, but it’s a whole other thing to jump into the lion’s den dressed as a steak.”
No spokesperson for the Bandidos was made available to the media. When asked if he worried whether harm would come to the armed bikers hired as security, the unnamed New Black Panthers spokesperson laughed, “Have you noticed they’re all white, or like lighter-skinned Latino? Did that on purpose. Most of the time cops won’t even shoot a white person until they rack up a few kills first. They can be as heavily armed as they want, with like flak jackets and stuff, and cops will just try to talk them down for hours, or even days. It’s only if a white guy actually draws on them or tries to run them over that they shoot you, and even then they won’t put 40 rounds in you like they did my man Diallo.”
When asked about the seemingly uncommon pairing of the mostly-Caucasion PETA members and the New Black Panthers, the unnamed member of of the Panthers said, "Having mostly white hippies with you can open a whole lot of doors, man. Carte blanche, you know what I mean?" Loveblossom agreed, and said it was all about "Brotherhood and solidarity amongst those trying to change the world for the better." However, away from these groups another unnamed member of PETA quietly hinted at another motive, saying, “You ever see that South Park Movie?"
No members of the Bundy family have been harmed or taken hostage, mainly due to the fact that most of them are already in jail.
Speaking from a prison cell, Cliven Bundy said of the ostensibly peaceful protest, “Those assholes have no right to take something that isn’t theirs, or occupy land to which they hold no legal title. You should storm the compound and shoot them all dead, because I have rights.” Bundy added that if any harm came to his cattle or other valuable property that he didn’t cause himself, he wouldn’t hesitate to sue. “All judges are frauds, criminals and treasonous scoundrels who should be rounded up and dealt with, and the court system in this country is unconstitutional and offensive to every principle this country was founded on. But I will not hesitate to use it to get what’s mine.”
Hired employees of the ranch could not be located for interview.
Updates will continue throughout the day.
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UPDATE: 10:40PST TUESDAY APRIL 19, 2016
PETA officials have announced their intention to unconditionally love any and all officers or federal agents who set foot on Bundy property. “Even the meat-eaters,” they said, “will be loved on sight.” An FBI spokesperson states that officials are investigating the statement as a possible threat to national security.
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UPDATE: 11:30PST TUESDAY APRIL 19, 2016
Families from the nearby ranches have gathered outside the gates, where more than one member has engaged in shouting debates with the PETA and New Black Panthers spokespeople. The following heated exchange took place between unnamed members of both groups:
“We the people demand our rights!”
“No, we the people demand our rights!”
“No, you’re not we the people. We are we the people.”
“Nuh uh, we are definitely we the people. You aren’t we the people.”
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UPDATE: 13:30PST TUESDAY APRIL 19, 2016
Police and federal officers stormed the Bundy Ranch at approximately 12:56 PST. Numerous shots were fired, leaving all members of the New Black Panthers dead. No others were harmed in the shootout. All members of PETA were taken to area holding cells to hear assorted readings from Atlas Shrugged and receive a stern lecture on trickle-down economics, while members of the Bandidos received a formal apology from the Sheriff, along with fifty dollars each for lunch, gas, and tolls.
According to Sheriff Roger Whitey, the decision was made to enter the compound quickly so as to stem the possible loss to property or life. “We knew that every minute we allowed this armed insurrection to last we were failing the good people of this town, this state, and this country. Shucks, who in their right mind would let something like this go on for days or even weeks? Plus, the wife is cooking her famous lasagna tonight, and your supposed ‘rights’ don’t trump that.”
