AFGHANISTAN – Jesus Christ looked through his rifle scope. More than 200 yards away was known Muslim Ali-Aba Khan. With preternatural calm, Christ stared intently, lining up his shot. When he pulled the trigger, the back of Khan’s head exploded. Christ picked up his rifle and walked away.
"The power of Christ compelled him," said a chuckling Christ.
It was only a few days earlier that Christ – the one and true savior – joined the Marines as a sniper, vowing to spread his message one bullet at a time.
"At first, I just thought the war on terrorism was all about oil," said Christ – resplendent in his Marines uniform. "Now that I know it’s all about me, well, let’s roll."
Private Christ added that he made his decision after learning that a Michigan-based company, Trijicon, has a $600-million contract to provide U.S. forces with 800,000 of the rifle sights which are being used in Afghanistan and Iraq. The sights are marked with citations from the Bible, including one that declares that Jesus is "the light of the world."
Going straight from the right hand of God to the front lines of Afghanistan, Jesus admitted that he should have gotten into the fight earlier.
"Obviously, this has been a Holy War all along," said Christ. "I was skeptical. But now that we know we’re fighting to create a Christian Middle East, I’m all in."
With 427 confirmed kills of known Muslims already, Jesus has been praised for his marksmanship and adaptability. Still, not all has been smooth sailing. Originally, the Marine Corps wanted to use Christ in the medical division in order to take advantage of his healing prowess. Christ balked, however, saying he joined for action.
"Why heal U.S. soldiers when they can die as martyrs?" said Christ, cleaning his rifle. "Plus, leprosy, sure, no sweat. But when a guy’s head is in a thousand pieces, well, who has that kind of time?"
While the U.S. still maintains that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are not based on religion, few are falling for that ruse any longer. From Donald Rumsfeld’s daily briefings that included victorious quotes from the Bible to the rifle sights praising Christianity, it’s become obvious to most that both George W. Bush and Barack Obama were and are on a religious crusade.
As for Christ, he’s said he’s staying until the job is done, saying that he wouldn’t put down his rifle until the End of Times.
"You want a Holy war, you got it," said Christ, 37. "Now, we have to get bullets with little Bible citations on them.
"One day soon, the last thing that will go through these Muslims’ heads is a bullet with my name on it," said Christ. " Semper Fi!"
–WKW