Moving down the list. Ron Paul? The guy's for gay marriage, legalizing drugs, and against military spending. He's criticized Ronald Reagan. He's certainly capable of winning his party's nomination. But the Republicans ain't his party.
Michele Bachmann? Nobody's seen her since she won the Ames, Iowa, Straw Poll, and stated that the HPV vaccine can do irreparable harm. Turns out she was right, and her campaign is proof.
So that leaves three people. Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, and.... (pregnant pause) The Transportation Department? You know what, I don't know. We'll get to it.
Huntsman. Why can't the handsome Mormon ex-governor beat Mitt Romney? Cuz he is Mitt Romney! Just not quite. It's like with the Baldwins. But given a choice, you're gonna go with Alec.
Which brings us to Santorum. Why can't he win? Cuz nobody, when given a choice of Baldwins, is going with Stephen.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination. James Richard Perry. Rick. The tough-talkin', God fearin', boot wearin', prisoner killin', Pez dispenser collectin' -- that last one's probably not right -- Texan. Many Republican faithful thought Perry would be the answer to their prayers. But as it turns out, he was the answer to ours.
You know, a comedian can spend his whole life digging through the comedy mines for sound bites that he can use to sustain his family. Sometimes, a fella can lose hope. And then, Rick Perry gives you 53 seconds that can change a man's life. Oh Lordy, I give you this thing I found, the Dope Diamond.
Video and full transcript below the fold, if you want to find out what a "joy boner" is. ;-)
Barnburner tonight! Our guest, Adam Sandler. Sandler's going to be joining us later. Sandler, of course, the star of my three favorite movies. Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and, uh.... Oh, what is the third? (pregnant pause) The, uh.... EPA. I don't....
Oh, that reminds me! Let's begin tonight with last night's GOP debate on CNBC, the ninth of the primary season. Now, before we get into Rick Perry's now-infamous ABC Wide World of Sports' Agony of Defeat-worthy brain turd -- and believe me, we will get there -- I would just like to start with a brief announcement.
I'm calling the fight. Throw in the towel. It's over, it's done. Republicans, you had your chance. You didn't want Romney, too bad, you are now stuck with Mitt Motherfuckin' Romney! Done! He is the winner. Romney wins. We're calling it tonight. It's over!
Indecision 2012: Mercy Rule Edition! Because in presidential primaries, as in Little League, if one team is up 10-0 in the 3rd, you call it a day, and you head over to Friendly's for some Fribbles and some food poisoning.
All right. How bad is it at this point? In our coverage of Romney's clinching debate, we need not even show you highlights of Romney, but merely the spontaneous combustion of his opponents.
For instance, chief Romney rival in the polls, Herman Cain. Guy is in the middle of a scandal involving his treatment of women. Watch him lay down this turd discussing the highest ranking female official this country has ever had.
HERMAN CAIN (11/9/2011): The legislation has already been written. ... We didn't hear about it in the previous Congress, because "Princess Nancy" sent it to committee and it stayed there.
Princess! Princess! Princess Nancy! Not "I disagree vehemently with the former Speaker", not "Minority Leader Pelosi is wrong on the i...." Princess!!
You know, there is an age above which most women do not wish to be referred to as "Princess", and I believe that age is five. There's only three times you should ever use that term: with an actual female member of the royal family, a new Maltese puppy you got, and um.... Oh, what's the third? (pregnant pause) I'm gonna say EPA.
We're going to get to Perry! All right, so that's Herman Cain. Can Gingrich take advantage? He's got a tremendous amount of experience in government, and he's got name recognition -- Newt. And he's got a reputation as the Right's idea man. So why can't he win? Well, because every one of those ideas is seasoned with, just a hint, just a pinch, just a lot of what can best be described as dickishness.
NEWT GINGRICH: It's sad that the news media doesn't report accurately how the economy works. ... My colleagues have done a terrific job of answering an absurd question. To say, in 30 seconds....
MARIA BARTIROMO: You have said you want to repeal "Obamacare," correct?
NEWT GINGRICH: I’d like to... let me just finish, if I may. ... What is amazing to me is the inability of much of our academic world and much of our news media and most of the people on Occupy Wall Street to have a clue about history.
Hm. You know, if I may, Newt, everybody loves the Pillsbury Doughboy. But nobody's going to vote for his angrier know-it-all brother.
POPPIN' FRESH'S ANGRIER KNOW-IT-ALL BROTHER: What the elitists in the mainstream media won't tell you is.... Heehee! Eat a dick!
All right, moving down. No? He looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy a little bit. Heeheeheeheehee.
Moving down the list. Ron Paul? The guy's for gay marriage, legalizing drugs, and against military spending. He's criticized Ronald Reagan. He's certainly capable of winning his party's nomination. But the Republicans ain't his party.
Michele Bachmann? Nobody's seen her since she won the Ames, Iowa, Straw Poll, and stated that the HPV vaccine can do irreparable harm. Turns out she was right, and her campaign is proof.
So that leaves three people. Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, and.... (pregnant pause) The Transportation Department? You know what, I don't know. We'll get to it.
Huntsman. Why can't the handsome Mormon ex-governor beat Mitt Romney? Cuz he is Mitt Romney! Just not quite. It's like with the Baldwins. But given a choice, you're gonna go with Alec.
Which brings us to Santorum. Why can't he win? Cuz nobody, when given a choice of Baldwins, is going with Stephen.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination. James Richard Perry. Rick. The tough-talkin', God fearin', boot wearin', prisoner killin', Pez dispenser collectin' -- that last one's probably not right -- Texan. Many Republican faithful thought Perry would be the answer to their prayers. But as it turns out, he was the answer to ours.
You know, a comedian can spend his whole life digging through the comedy mines for sound bites that he can use to sustain his family. Sometimes, a fella can lose hope. And then, Rick Perry gives you 53 seconds that can change a man's life. Oh Lordy, I give you this thing I found, the Dope Diamond.
11/9/2011:
RICK PERRY: And I will tell you, it’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the -- what’s the third one there -- let’s see....
RON PAUL: You need five.
RICK PERRY: Oh, five. OK.
RON PAUL: Make it five.
RICK PERRY: OK. So Commerce, Education and, uh, the, uh, um, um....
MITT ROMNEY: EPA?
RICK PERRY: EPA. There you go. (debate audience laughs)
MARIA BARTIROMO: Let’s go... let's talk deficits now....
JOHN HARWOOD: Seriously? Is EPA the one you were talking about?
RICK PERRY: No, sir.
....
JOHN HARWOOD: You can’t name the third one?
RICK PERRY: The third agency of government, I would do away with the Education, uh... the, uh, um...
MITT ROMNEY: Commerce.
RICK PERRY: Commerce, and let's see... I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops.
Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?? Are you not entertained??
There is so much meat on that bone, and it is all breast meat. It is all white. I don't even know which to pick. There is the part where Ron Paul's trying to help him out. He's going, "I think you mean five." Other people are shouting out, "I think you mean EPA". But you know, they wanted to shout shit out like "corn dogs" just to see if
Perry would repeat it Ron Burgundy-style.
And then there's the part where it looks like, just for a second, Perry's going to fake a stroke to get out of the whole thing. Which, by the way, is the right move. In the middle of that shit, Perry should've just been like, "Uh, uh, I smell toast!"
No! No! My favorite moment occurred just towards the very end. Let me just replay it for you very quickly, just at the very end, in the quiet moment of desperation at the end.
RICK PERRY: ... and let's see... I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops.
Oops! Oops!! Oops!!! O-O-P-S! Oops! Thank you Jesus! Oops! That is not the four-letter word I would've gone with. Oops! Like it's a juice box. "Oh my God, my chance to be President of the United States, oops! Does anyone have a towel? Oops!"
The news team then showed how overjoyed they were from the Perry gaffe.
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the Perry gaffe.
the video of the police beating those UC Berkeley students at Occupy Cal.
with a special guest.