Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Note: Due to the sequester, today's note will be two hours late.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Mother's Day: 19
Days 'til Out! Raleigh 2013 in North Carolina: 10
Number of Americans who will be diagnosed with oral cancer this year: 42,000
(Source: Parade)
Number of people--including students, journalists and lawyers--that Iran executed last year: 523
Number of journalists jailed/killed in 2012, respectively: 232/133
(Source: The State Department's Human Rights Report)
Percent of Nebraskans who supported gay marriage in 2009: 33%
Percent of Nebraskans who supported gay marriage in 2012: 45%
(Source: Omaha World-Herald poll)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 4 Wild Weathers and 1 extended pootie sloth embrace). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Emma greets Daddy
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CHEERS to replacing Mr. Baucus with Mr. Raucous. Praise the lord---Senator Max Baucus is retiring next year. He was an infuriating "blue dog" type whose spine was made of silly putty. It'll be a hoot if this guy replaces him:
Strap on your bolo, Schweitzer…your country needs you.
CHEERS to #14. By a vote of 331-225, France's national Assembly voted to grant marriage rights to same-sex couples---the 14th country to make it official. Before the vote, police surrounded the building with water cannons. Y'know, here in America we usually just throw rice, but whatever. Mazel Tov.
P.S. Meanwhile, Rhode Island's Senate Judiciary Committee sent a marriage-equality bill to the full Senate, which will vote on it today. If it passes, it'll go to Governor Chafee's desk, making New England the first major region in America to be down with the gay-marrieds. And we don't need no stinkin' water cannons, so suck it, France.
JEERS to nervous nabobs of negativity. Yesterday someone hacked into the AP's twitter feed and posted an alarming message about President Obama, after which stocks briefly plunged because, when push comes to shove (or in this case a fake attack on the White House), this is what was going through investor's minds:
"Oh my god! This is terrible! I mean, I know we all give the Obama a lot of shit and say a bunch of stuff about him that isn’t true. And I know I pretend that Republicans aren't total assholes who obstruct everything he does just because they know if his policies are fully implemented the nation will prosper and Republicans will go the way of the dodo even faster than they already are. But I love the guy! He's been a terrific president! This is just horrible and… What's that? It was a hoax? Obama isn't going bye bye bye? Then BUY BUY BUY!!!"
You could set your diamond-encrusted watch by these guys.
CHEERS to easy layups. Today is Pig in a Blanket Day. Or, as it's also known: Rush Limbaugh's nappytime.
CHEERS to joining the fight. We're wrastlin' with some gun bills up here in the Maine legislature (with the feds diddling, gun-control progress will only be made at the state level, it seems), and the responsible side just got a nice shot in the arm (er, so to speak) from one of our most famous residents:
For smart
gun laws.
Maine author Stephen King and his wife have made what's being called a "substantial donation" to a statewide group advocating for stricter gun control laws.
The Coalition for a Safer Maine says King is a gun owner…who also supports expanded background checks on gun sales and a ban on the sale of high-capacity ammunition magazines.
While he was at it, King also came out in favor of airbags on all demonically-possessed Plymouth Furies.
CHEERS to putting out fires. Ever since the Supreme Court decided Bush v. Gore, acid reflux has been my constant burning companion. So I admit to being euphoric about the new device that's being called a bracelet for your throat:
"Bracelet for your
throat" treats GERD.
The Linx device, made by Torax Medical Inc. of St. Paul, Minn., is a ring of titanium beads with magnets inside. Doctors place it around the weak muscle at the base of the esophagus in a half-hour operation using a scope and “keyhole” incisions in the belly.
The ring reinforces the weak muscle to keep it closed, yet is flexible and expands to let food pass when someone swallows. The ring comes in multiple sizes; it is about a ½-inch in diameter and expands to about 1½ inches. People don't feel it once it is implanted.
Researchers say they put it through the most rigorous testing imaginable, and the results were remarkable. Patients were actually able to sit through 30 minutes of Fox News. A miracle, really.
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Five years ago in C&J: April 24, 2008
JEERS to getting older. I started really loving movies in the late-70s, and a lot of that had to do with the reviews that came through my teevee every week by Roger Ebert and his late co-host Gene Siskel. Nothing else existed in the world when Sneak Previews aired. Ebert's been a real trooper lately, enduring multiple throat surgeries and now a broken hip that'll keep him away from his own film festival. I hope I have half his optimism and energy if I ever find myself in the same circumstances. Positive vibes for a speedy recovery.
P.S. Best opening sentence in a movie review so far in 2008: "Jason Segel's penis probably would not sell a lot of tickets all by itself." Really!
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And just one more…
True Fact: All Hubble pics
are developed at Fotomat.
CHEERS to our big eye in the sky. 23 years ago today, the Hubble space telescope was
placed into orbit by the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery. When the first photos were revealed to we Earthlings, Democrats saw the wonder of an evolving universe and the hope of discovering intelligent life one day and harnessing our collective strengths for the good of the cosmos. Republicans saw potential oil fields and the hope of discovering millions of new suckers on which to foist reverse-mortgages and other toxic assets. Eh. Potato, Puhtahto.
Have a cosmic Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Adorable Bill in Portland Maine tries on 3D virtual reality goggles
---Americablog
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