So there’s good news and bad news for Pillow Man Mike Lindell on this lovely January day. The good? He’s not dead. Not yet anyway. While he’s been away from his daily “news” show with “laryngitis” for several days—prompting widespread speculation, including from this egregious a-hole, that he might have COVID-19—he looked in fine fettle Friday while spritzing up a spittle storm in response to his latest Mr. Magoo-ian own goal.
Apparently, Lindell’s bank is dropping him due to the “reputational damage” it fears might result from its association with this gormless heap of hairy protoplasm. Honestly, I can’t imagine what took them so long. Lindell has been a regular Johnny Conspiracy-Seed since the 2020 election, traversing the country like a turpentine-besotted drifter, selling beaucoup bonkers to literally any willing buyer.
And now, after already having lost his big-box distribution and what was left of his mind (not necessarily in that order), Lindell is looking for a new financial institution. He discussed this latest outrage Friday, with celebrated cornhusk doll impersonator Steve Bannon.
LINDELL: “… The Lindell Foundation, Lindell Outreach, MyStore for all the entrepreneurs, and they want us to leave their bank. What you’re going to hear on these recordings are horrific. Because now, that you have … it’s manifested from this, Steve. They’re bringing back a year ago, and all these terrible outlets like The Washington Post, and I just had a call from The Guardian today, and then you have The Daily Beast—all of these outlets now are attacking, re-attacking me again, trying to say I’m some kind of a, a—let’s subpoena Mike Lindell’s records. As you know, I went after Pelosi and that fake committee they’ve got going to scare everybody, and by doing this, now these banks want to get part of the cancel culture. They want to cancel out all of these entities. The biggest one they worry about—Frank Speech, everybody. They want to silence Frank Speech. They want to silence my voice.”
Okay, I put Google Translate on the Lindell-to-English setting and managed to suss out some of Mike’s intended meaning. (Fun Easter egg: If you use this setting and fart languidly into a family-sized bucket of KFC for half an hour, it will spit out Mike Lindell’s obituary.)
Here’s what I managed to decipher:
- Lindell oversees a bunch of different entities—such as the Lindell Foundation, the Lindell Recovery Network, Lindell-TV, Lindell Publishing, MyStore, Frank Speech, and more—and his bank, Minnesota Bank & Trust, is apparently dropping all of them.
- Lindell thinks The Washington Post and The Guardian are horrible fake news outlets—unlike, say, The Health Ranger, who writes for Lindell’s Frankspeech.com and thinks conservatives are about to be rounded up and put in COVID-19 concentration camps.
- Lindell was subpoenaed by the House Jan. 6 committee and he’s sued to stop them.
- Lindell thinks his bank wants to cancel Frank Speech because Frank Speech is getting too close to the truth.
I highly doubt anyone at his bank has ever watched anything on Frank Speech, much less entered into a conspiracy to stop it. Hey, even I don’t want Frank Speech canceled. Why would I? It’s the most fun I’ve had since being forced to remove the nitrous oxide bouncy castle from my backyard after just two days and maybe half a dozen scurrilous complaints from annoyingly effete helicopter parents.
But, yeah, Lindell is still alive. Though I did hear a bit of horking and sniffling during the interview, and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t Steve Bannon’s foppish vestigial twin.
Anyway, if you want to hear more of Lindell’s whining on this, you can find it at Steve Bannon’s War Room archive. Though I’ll understand if you don’t want to risk infecting your computer with Bannon’s fungal self.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.