Thank You...Again Again!
As of a week ago, the Daily Kos community had donated $1.6 million for agencies helping with the humanitarian crisis in Ukraine. Let's check the tote board and see where we are this morning:
$1,847,998.58
Because of your generosity, Vladimir Putin now wakes up every morning and cries like a little baby before feeding a few of his “insolent fool!” generals to his alligators. (A gift from Kim Jong Un, we hear.) If you'd like to add to the total for the five chosen groups—the World Central Kitchen, AmeriCares, the International Rescue Committee, Razom for Ukraine, and the International Fund for Animal Welfare—click here and ActBlue will help you take care of the rest. Many thanks.
We now return you to our regularly-scheduled Ukrainian farmers capturing Russian tanks and missile launchers with nothing but their tractors and righteous fury.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 22, 2022
Note: Since today is National Goof Off Day, I don’t have to write a note. If you absolutely need one, see Gary in Human Resources.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 26
Days 'til Maine Maple Sunday: 5
Percent chance that, according to Ukraine President Zelenskyy's chief of staff, “President Biden knows our country and has done more than all other Presidents of the United States”: 100%
Percent of medical debt information that the top three credit bureaus will drop starting this summer, thanks in part to Elizabeth Warren's brainchild the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: 70%
Rank of Finland, Denmark, and Iceland on the latest World Happiness Index report: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Canada and the United States: #15, #16
Odds of finding a pearl in an oyster, according to some words I read on the thingamajig Tim Berners Lee invented back in the day: 1-in-12,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: ”Doop-ee-doop-ee-doop-ee-doop...”
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CHEERS to Day 1. Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, the first Black woman nominated to the Supreme Court, entered a Senate hearing room yesterday and, after cracking her knuckles and making that "bring it on" motion that people do with their hands, began answering questions from the Judiciary Committee tasked with turning "advise and consent" into a circus of “pander and gotcha” fodder for public consumption and Super PAC ads. And by all accounts it went fine, just fine:
The Judiciary Committee proceedings Monday included opening statements from senators and ended with introductory remarks from Jackson, 51, who is a judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. Questioning begins Tuesday.
"I have been a judge for nearly a decade now, and I take that responsibility and my duty to be independent very seriously. I decide cases from a neutral posture," Jackson said. "I evaluate the facts, and I interpret and apply the law to the facts of the case before me, without fear or favor, consistent with my judicial oath."
The proceedings were briefly suspended when an errant chunk of Ted Cruz's tonsil cheese burned a hole through his notes. And his desk. And his shoe. And the committee room floor. And the basement floor. And the earth's crust. And, according to NASA, a nearby "goldilocks planet" that was our only hope for the survival of the human species. But everyone agreed the bottled water was "refreshing."
CHEERS to an unambiguous response. The Russo-Ukraine War continues into its second month this week, with the latter heroically and creatively defending itself as the former maniacally and barbarically slaughters civilians in apartment buildings, theaters, schools, and nursing homes with missiles. In the latest bit of hubris, Vladimir Putin demanded the surrender of a key city. Here's a transcript of how it went:
Russian lieutenant holding white flag drives up in jeep to Ukrainian general at checkpoint: Glorious President of the Russian Empire Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin demands that your forces in Mariupol lay down their weapons and surrender immediately. What shall I tell the president?
Ukrainian General chomping cigar: Nuts.
The only ones laughing harder than the Ukrainian people are the squirrels on my roof.
CH’CHING to meeting Mr. Moneybags. A bit of history was made last week that we'd like included in the public record. Last Wednesday Jerome Powell adjusted his green eyeshades, strapped a solid-gold coin changer to his belt, took a deep breath, strode out onto a balcony, waved to his admirers, and delivered a proclamation as chairman of the Federal Reserve. After delivering a blessing upon the Almighty Dollar, he washed Wall Street investors’ feet and offered gluten-free trillion-dollar coin wafers and sips (okay, swigs) of 1869 Château Lafite for communion, but not before raising interest rates by a single quarter of a single percent on the theory that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to hear more insufferable whining about inflation. In the distance, the Pope sought medical treatment for an acute case of eyeroll.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to fun with math. 2 hydrogen atoms + 1 oxygen atom + the United Nations + chips ‘n dip + balloons = World Water Day party! Yes, today is the 29th World Water Day, which actually isn't so much a party as it is an opportunity to remember that if we keep fucking up our water supply we're all going to end up shriveled and stupid and sick with a sink full of dirty dishes and a stinky bathroom. This year’s theme is “Groundwater: Making the Invisible Visible”:
Groundwater is invisible, but its impact is visible everywhere. Out of sight, under our feet, groundwater is a hidden treasure that enriches our lives. In the driest parts of the world, it may be the only water people have.
We must protect groundwater from pollution and use it sustainably, balancing the needs of people and the planet. Groundwater’s vital role in water and sanitation systems, agriculture, industry, ecosystems and climate change adaptation must be reflected in sustainable development policymaking.
"We have a series of policy suggestions in which we address the serious groundwater issues in our country," said Democrats in Congress. "What's a policy?" said Republicans.
JEERS to self-righteous knuckledragging. On this date in 1638, progressive preacher Anne Hutchinson was booted from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the Puritan leadership after being accused of "Blasphemy" and "Lewd conduct." Today Texas Governor Greg Abbott unveiled a statue to commemorate the event. In honor of the Puritans.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 22, 2012
JEERS to the teardown artist. Mitt Romney's Super PAC won him another primary victory last night, this time in Illinois. I sat through his entire victory speech. In the span of ten minutes, he lost his place on the teleprompter, botched a joke, lied about Obama's record on oil production and light bulbs (what's with Republicans and their light bulb obsession?), and missed a chance to pander to the crowd about the sanctity of marriage by failing to wish his wife a happy 43rd wedding anniversary. His mechanics say he'll do better next time, once they've replaced his flux capacitator, re-soldered a few loose wires and topped off his fluids.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the guy at the helm of the most famous bridge in space. Happy birthday to one of the greatest gifts Canada ever gave the universe: Emmy- and Golden Globe-winner William "Kirk" Shatner, who turns 91 today and still looks and acts like he's thirty years younger. (Hell, he just made one of Bezos’s space flights, and that’s no piece of cake.) Here's a clip that hits a spectacular trifecta of bizarre American history. This is from July, 2009, when Conan O’Brien was host of The Tonight Show, Sarah Palin had just given her batty farewell address and officially became known as the “half-term governor of Alaska,” and, perhaps most amazing of all, Howard Dean was filling in for Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown. What Shatner brings to this clip is almost superfluous, but still brilliant:
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Ms. Palin learned an important lesson that day: don’t bring a phaser to a photon torpedo fight.
Oh, and autumn began in the southern hemisphere Sunday. Have fun with all that leaf raking down there, you guys. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”With the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, it really comes down to how it’s being used. It's a product that is not supposed to be used daily for good reason. If you were splashing in it on a daily basis, your hair will start acting weird.”
—Shab Reslan
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