I don’t know about you, but nothing in my life ever made sense until today, when I discovered the COVID-19 pandemic was a Catholic plot to insert serpent DNA into my genome via mRNA technology so I’d slowly metamorphose into a liberal hybrid of Satan.
Of course, like most things, this is one of those good news/bad news deals. On the one hand, this irrevocably corrupts my immortal soul, making me forever unworthy of the transcendent beatific vision afforded all goodly men and women who pass from this Earth while in the fullness of God’s grace. On the other hand, my cool new Satan powers will make it a lot easier to toast Pop-Tarts when I’m stoned. So it’s pretty much a wash, really.
Apparently COVID-19 conspiracists are feeling compelled to speed up the kookaburra caravan now that the pandemic is starting to recede and the news media are focusing far more on the war in Ukraine.
As a result, you get conversations like the following between right-wing radio host Stew Peters and “Dr.” Bryan Ardis, a prominent COVID-19 conspiracy theorist and the world’s foremost proponent of Cocoa Puffs.
Watch this, but fair warning: Turn it off immediately at the first sign that you’ve spritzed more than a pint of blood from your now-ravaged eyeballs.
ARDIS: “Well, what about the name ‘corona’? Does it have a Latin definition or a definition at all? So I actually looked up what’s the definition. You know, dictionary.com, it brings up 13 definitions. Corona, religiously, ecclesiastically means ‘gold ribbon at the base of a miter.’ And I didn’t know what a miter was, so I copied it and pasted it and then hit ‘images.’ [Photos of the pope and the pope’s miter are shown.] So this actually could read ‘the pope’s venom pandemic.’ It also can read ‘crown’—corona means crown, also in Latin terms. Corona means crown. Visually we see kings represented with a crown symbol. So put that together for me. King …”
PETERS: “Cobra ...”
ARDIS: “Venom. It actually could read ‘king cobra venom pandemic.’ I have said this for about a year now, that I actually believe this is more of a religious war on the entire world. … If I was going to do something incredibly evil, how ironic would it be that the Catholic Church or whoever would use the one symbol of an animal that represents evil in all religions, which is either the snake or the dragon, which is actually just a snake with legs. You take that snake or that serpent and you figure out how to isolate genes from that serpent and get those genes of that serpent to insert itself into your God-given created DNA. I think this is the plan all along, was to get the serpents’, the evil one’s DNA, into your God-created DNA. And they figured out how to do it with this mRNA technology. They’re using mRNA, which is mRNA extracted from, I believe, the king cobra venom. The king cobra venom. And I think they want to get that venom inside of you and make you a hybrid of Satan, no longer just belonging to God, or a creation of God’s.”
Okay, so it’s a couple of weirdos saying weirdo stuff at the tail end (hopefully) of a ruinous, disruptive pandemic. Why worry? Well, for one thing, Peters is just two degrees of separation from Donald Trump. Trump loves Pillow Man, and Pillow Man hosts Peters’ show on his website. Considering Trump’s ineluctable descent into the goofy right-wing fever swamps during his last attempt at destroying America, I can only imagine Ardis would be a top candidate for surgeon general and Peters a finalist for White House press secretary in a second Trump administration.
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Also, there’s no conceivable way they can get barmier than this, is there? Because they almost broke my wee, creaky brain with this frothy barrel of bonkers.
But, hey, I’ve got Satan heat vision now, so who the fuck cares, really?
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