Late Night Snark: Oh, Dear God Edition
"Four presidents visited New York City at the same time—three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City, and one selling Bibles door to door. Donald Trump has partnered with country music star Lee Greenwood to sell a 60-dollar 'special edition' of The Bible that also includes the Constitution, the lyrics to Greenwood's God Bless the USA and, I assume, God's letter of resignation."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Trans Visibility Day had no effect on your Easter. Nobody was at church like, 'Well, we were gonna celebrate the resurrection, but instead everyone line up for your gender reassignment surgery.' … And for what it's worth, there's a false premise to this entire controversy, which is that there's even a conflict between trans people and Christianity to begin with—there isn't! In fact, the Bible doesn’t say anything about trans people. It does, however, say to love thy neighbor, and to not judge other people, and perhaps the most famous of bible verses: Please do not sell me for $59.95 to pay off your rape fines."
—The Daily Show guest host Desi Lydic, on the MAGA freak-out because Easter coincided with the Day of Transgender Visibility
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Which you can now buy for $60.
"Some news from Florida: the state Supreme Court just ruled that a measure to legalize marijuana can appear on the ballot this fall. I know, it's shocking. Apparently Florida has laws."
—Jimmy Fallon
"There's only three possible explanations for this: a) Donald Trump is a bottomless scumbag who would lie about anything to make himself look like a hero, b) his brain has turned to oatmeal so lumpy he can't distinguish a story he flipped by in the New York Post from a conversation he had with a grieving loved one, or c) both of the above, which is probably it."
—Jimmy Kimmel, after Trump got caught lying about speaking to the family of Ruby Garcia, who was allegedly killed by a man who entered the country illegally, using quotes he stole from the Post.
-
"The New York judge overseeing former President Trump's criminal hush-money trial warned yesterday that Trump could lose access to jurors' names if he does anything to harm the integrity of the jury selection process. Why does he have access to the jurors' names? That's like giving Cruella de Ville the address of the local animal shelter."
—Seth Meyers
"Everyone's getting in on the [eclipse] madness, including corporations. Krispy Kreme has released a Total Solar Eclipse Doughnut. Sonic will offer a Blackout Slush Float. And Frito Lay will offer a new Sun Chips flavor that will only be available during the four-and-a-half minutes of the eclipse. Because there's no better way to celebrate a once-in-a-lifetime natural phenomenon than, Oh the eclipse is happening! Quick! Get in line in the convenience store!"
—Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 5, 2024
Note: Two roads diverged in the wood. I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. My road had waffles at the end of it.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the total solar eclipse, during which central Maine is forecast to have the best viewing conditions in the country: 3
Days 'til Arizona’s 19th annual Polish Festival in Phoenix: 8
Number of refugees the government is on track to admit this year, the most in 30 years: 125,000
Percent of respondents polled by Marquette Law School who oppose granting “former presidents” immunity, compared with 20% who support that idea: 62%
Year that General Electric was founded by Thomas Edison: 1892
Date on which GE officially broke up into two companies, GE Aerospace and GE Vernova: 4/2/24
Number of people who watched the NCAA Women's hoops game between Iowa and LSU, a viewership record: 16 million
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Besties...
-
CHEERS to our top story of the evening. You want war? You want climate calamities? You want pestilence and woe and, worse for everyone, the Yankees at the top of the MLB standings? Well you're not gonna get any of that. I have more important stories that I didn’t write from which to post excerpts from…
Tourists and residents packed Tokyo's top cherry blossom spots on Thursday to enjoy the full bloom that has arrived in the Japanese capital later than usual this year because of cold weather.
The elegant dark branches bursting with pink and white flowers---known as sakura in Japanese—spilled over the moat of the Imperial Palace, where people gathered to snap photos or simply take in the view. "Cherry blossoms are so symbolic and make everything around you feel joyful and beautiful," Michitaka Saito, 68, told AFP. […]
Eiko Hirose, 76, said that enjoying the cherry blossoms with her husband Sadao "means I'm healthy, and he's good, and we all have a good time."
I've just been handed this bulletin from the assignment desk: Japanese cherry blossoms go rogue, unleashing torrent of war, climate calamities, pestilence, woe, and unwavering commitment to hiring top talent for Yankees. Dammit!!!!!!!
CHEERS to a perfectly valid excuse to dive into a giant vat full of birthday cake and ice cream whipped into a fluffy, gooey delight that'll give you all the types of diabetes by your third bite. Come, sing with me: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear NATO, happy birthday and etcetera…
NATO marked on Thursday 75 years of collective defense across Europe and North America, with its top diplomats vowing to stay the course in Ukraine as better armed Russian troops assert control on the battlefield. […]
-
Hundreds of staffers filled the vast air terminal-like space at the center of NATO’s sprawling Brussels headquarters, while scores of others looked down from glassed walkways and stairways as Belgian and Dutch military bands played the NATO Hymn, the original Washington Treaty laid before them. […]
Outside Brussels on Wednesday evening, U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken had paid tribute “to the millions of soldiers, sailors, and aviators whose courage and willingness to put their lives on the line have given weight to our sacred commitment to defend one another.”
The delegates from all 32 member countries celebrated the milestone in Brussels with laughter and good cheer. Well, all except Vice Admiral Jonas Haggren of Sweden. As the newbie to the organization, he was on the receiving end of 31 birthday spankings.
CHEERS to little reminders. Forty-four years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. Little-known fact: A Post-It Note will play a central role in archiving our 45th president’s accomplishments at his Presidential Grift Shop:
Took Oath. Broke Stuff.
Got impeached twice. Lost. Pouted.
Died. Buried along with his name. Nobody came.
Meanwhile 86 years ago, in 1938, Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. It has saved many a meal...and many a presidency.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to Great Moments in Medicine. On April 5, 1933, the first operation to remove a lung was performed by Dr. Evarts Graham at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri. Unfortunately the patient was just there to visit his grandmother, but the point is: Progress!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Our quick roundup of some TV happenings this weekend starts with your choice of: recaps of the Friday news dumps on MSNBC, or a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on the CW. Me, I’ll be live-tweeting the silly Star Trek episode “Catspaw” (8pm, H&I Network) with my crewmates at hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the baseball schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. The women’s NCAA Final Four games are played tonight (ESPN, now underway), with the final Sunday afternoon on ABC and the menfolk get their turn tomorrow night. Comedy goddess Kristen Wiig hosts SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: AI chatbots that are designed to help mental health patients, and the effort to clear landmines in Ukraine. The CMT Music Awards are Sunday night at 8 on CBS, and Marge gets a job in a high-pressure kitchen on The Simpsons. The weekend ends on HBO with the season (and series) finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm and a new episode of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Chef Jose Andres of World Central Kitchen; White House National Security Communications adviser John Kirby; astrophysicist Jedidah Isler on the looming solar eclipse.
Face the Nation: John Kirby; Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); Governor Wes Moore (D-MD); Avril Benoit of Doctors Without Borders; Rep. French Hill (MAGA Cult-AR).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Gov. Greg Abbott (MAGA Cult-TX); Senator Chris Coons (D-DE).
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 5, 2014
JEERS to the wild wild south. As long as Rick Scott is governor, I'm afraid Florida's tourism slogan is going to be, "Come Have Fun in the Sun—But No Sudden Moves." The latest legislation making room for more gunplay from Rambo wannabes has been called the "warning shot" bill, and it tore through the legislature and is on its way to Governor Voldemort's desk. Soon you'll be free to blast hot lead into the sky if you feel threatened, and god only knows who it'll end up falling on. The Governor (not really Voldemort, his real name is Prick Snot) says he'll give the bill "close scrutiny," so that guarantees he'll do the wrong thing. There will be a promotional campaign to explain the law's effects to Floridians. I believe it'll be a video called, Got Helmet?
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to looking back at 19 years of front-page silliness. On April 5 in The Year Of Our Lord 2005, sixteen months after our debut in the Daily Kos diaries, this little column got promoted to the front page by Keyboard Kingpin Markos Moulitsas, who was clearly in the middle of a judgment-clouding bender. He has since sobered up, and tonight we conclude our first full week back home in the diaries. The result: more eyeballs, more recs, more comments...I’m not complaining.
But tonight we’d be shirking our duty if we didn’t re-tell the legend of that first day on the front page. I posted C&J from my desk at work, then went to a meeting, then went to lunch, then came back to find an email from Kos asking me why I did something horrible with my html formatting (remember those days?) that stretched the front page margins across three time zones. You could almost see his arm reaching through the pixels to strangle me. I'm happy to say that's the one and only time I broke the blog, and I shall carve the accomplishment on my tombstone.
Through the years C&J has helped humanity weather the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars, the Katrina catastrophe, the Great Recession, the presidency of—I swear this is true—failed businessman and court-confirmed rapist Donald Trump, a global pandemic, the Russo-Ukraine War and its attached atrocities, and the Trans Day of Visibility falling on Easter. But, hey, how about them Obama years, and now the Biden Recovery!
So whether you're a long-time splasher or a relative newcomer, thank you for reading and financially supporting this snarky little pimple on the blogiverse's butt, now safe and sound back where it was born and raised. I promise to continue focusing on the liberal issues you care about in a serious and sober manner. Just as soon as I run out of fart jokes and squirrel pics.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-