POLITIFORMERS: Robots our demise!
[ Part I - II - III - IV - V - VI ]
Little did you know, but many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.
Here in Part III be the Republicons who carried out their unfeeling schemes of exploitation, or who at least tried to real hard but then ran into some feeble remnants of objective reality and quit and bailed. It was a Reagan-era act of deregulation (98 FCC 2d 1076 [1984, PDF], to be exact) that set these awesome, er, loathsome automatons off and running rampant. Behold:
REPUBLICONS
Gingscream
FUNCTION: FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
“I have enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. And I’m doing it.”
Always trying to stage some kind of coup, he flails about, makes a lot of noise, never lets his obvious faults get in the way of calling others out on them, and has no compunction about going after Politiformers on his own team. When he does manage to take over, the whole thing goes to hell in a hurry. Amazingly, enough Republicons continue to pay him sufficient heed that he can keep coming back for more.
Ashcrust
FUNCTION: ATTORNEY GENERAL
“Why are we talking about this in the White House? History will not judge this kindly.”
Cone-headed and ugly, but complicated, he did his best work while out of commission in the heavy maintenance hangar. (By the way, why am I getting the idea that these guys were all made from the same mold?) All that aside, you should hear him sing the glories of flight! “Let the eeeaagle soooaaaar, like she’s never soared befooooore…”
Palinbeak
FUNCTION: FORMER ALASKA GOVERNOR
“I see our country being able to represent those things that can be looked to… as that leadership, that light needed across the world.”
"Squaaaaawk! I can hear planet Russia from my tape deck!" That's great. Now cut it out with the buzzing around and gratuitously firing lasers at hapless critters. And don't look now, but a bird of a feather brings ill portent for your political future.
Bomblay
FUNCTION: HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER
“It's never been proven that air toxics are hazardous to people.”
His favorite trick is to implant a "brain bug" remote-control device into other robots: "You must hire Republicons, you must hire Republicons..." One kind of gets the feeling that, had he more self-awareness about being a beetle, it would wipe that grin off his face and actually bring about overwhelming self-loathing, although I can't quite put my rolled-up newspaper on why.
Astrocain
FUNCTION: SENATOR
“You're gonna have to shut up, or I’m gonna have you arrested… Get outta here, you low-life scum.”
Ah yes, a triple-changer: "I'm an mavericky moderate! I'm a rabid, reckless right-winger!" (On second thought, don't watch that video, in which he sings “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Planet Iran” without even batting an eye.) "But wait, I'm also a corporate hack! Whatever, you morons, I have it all, get out of the way and put me in charge!" I mean, really, a steam locomotive? Talk about obsolete thinking.
Cyclomney
FUNCTION: FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOVERNOR
“Corporations are people, my friend.”
Perpetually sleek, cynical, and insincere, nobody likes him. And yet, he could be powerful someday, out of sheer wealth and persistence.
…Or not.
Pro tip: Mouse over the images and wait a sec to see the pre-mashup names.