POLITIFORMERS: Robots oh these guys!
[ Part I - II - III - IV - V - VI ]
Little did you know, but many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.
Here in Part II be the Demobots who legislated their way to... a measured retreat? I know, I know what you're thinking, life imitates art imitates life, first as comedy, second as farce. Well, hey, I'm not here to dissuade you!
DEMOBOTS
Ironhidededy
FUNCTION: SENATOR
“The work goes on… and the dream shall never die.”
Battle-scarred and dependable, he's a team player who gruffly reminds everyone to do what's practical and to get cracking. Minivans are quite practical, are they not? Just don’t expect him to surprise you and pop a wheelie or anything.
Cosmosich
FUNCTION: REPRESENTATIVE
“You're looking at a ‘bot who believes he can beat a rigged game.”
He may seem kinda spacey—I mean, not only is he a UFO, but he says he’s seen another one!—but that's so superficial. He's been through a lot, and he tries, man, he tries. (Sorry, Dennis, you deserve a better-looking robot than that, but... the tie matches?)
Jazzyers
FUNCTION: HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN
“A failed impeachment of Wumble and Megadick would have been trumpeted by their allies as a vindication.”
He was righteously valiant back when he was trying to bring down the tyrannical Republicon leader (is there any other kind?) in the 1970s. Nowadays, while he’s still got the chops, sometimes that disco just sounds like a lot of noise.
Wexlerglide
FUNCTION: REPRESENTATIVE
“I enjoy cocaine because it's a fun thing to do.”
Excitable and daring*, he engages in combat at the drop of a hat. Kind of a bit player, to be sure, though he's a bigger deal 'round these parts, and once he’s got your attention, he’ll never let you forget about him. Another Wexlerglide message from the Wexlerglide Campaign, wexlerglidewantshearings.com… Okay, sheesh, we get it!
* Goaded into saying it by Stephen Colbot
Leecomber
FUNCTION: REPRESENTATIVE
“I said, ‘Oh, no, don't worry. There will be others.’ When there weren’t, I said, ‘Oh my God.’ I could not believe it. It was an awesome feeling. And a lonely feeling.”
Lady was dang right to try to stop the war. What’s the deal with how, at the end of the TV episode, it seems like the friggin’ hippies had it right all along?
Gearry
FUNCTION: SENATE MAJORITY LEADER
“The rest of us were wrong or most of us anyway. What a shame.”
Oh, so tough, Gearry! Why do you keep getting everyone into so much trouble? Perhaps it's because you're crusty and you don't like change.
Bumblestone
FUNCTION: SENATOR
“I'm not making a decision I don't believe in.”
Independently-minded, kind, humble, and morally centered, he's humans' best friend. Why doesn't everyone listen to him more often? It’s as though they don’t want to hear what the little guy has to say.
Ultruss Magnold
FUNCTION: SENATOR
“They want both security and liberty, and unless we give them both—and we can if we try—we have failed.”
He can't quite seem to get a grip on power, but (or, rather, because?) he has impeccable principles and solid mechanics. Even out of power, he's going to self-sacrificingly champion the Demobotic cause. Occasionally he takes too high of a road and overestimates the legitimacy of other robots' actions. Regardless, can't help but compare him to the other car carriers rolling along the highway, and they don't measure up.
Pelatchet
FUNCTION: SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
“Embrace the suck.”
A Demobotic stalwart and a pioneering leader, she is impressively resourceful at keeping the machinery in good running condition, with all axles fully greased.. A careful one, she never takes drastic action, even when it's desperately called for.
Pro tip: Mouse over the images and wait a sec to see the pre-mashup names.
This is the second in a six-part series exposing the long-held secrets of the Politiformers:
I. Republicons - Sorcerers of Mass Destruction
II. Demobots - The Inauspicious Study of Discernible Reality
III. Republicons - Pillage of the Damned
IV. Demobots - The Best and the Shiniest
V. The Rest of Us - Some Robots Are More Equal Than Others
VI. Epilogue - Beyond Good, Beyond Evil, Beyond His Vilest Imagination
The series will continue each day this week. Come back tomorrow for more of… the Politiformers!
Obtain the author's permission before reproducing this article in large part or in full. All Transformers comparisons in this post refer to (and in turn parody!) the "Generation 1" cartoon and movie (1984-1987), in the style of “tech specs.” Imagery sourcing is fair use due to parody/commentary purpose, small size, and new composition. There is no affiliation with Hasbro or with the Democratic or Republican National Committees.