Pie Fights are a time-honored tradition at dKos and these are my kinda pie fighters!
Time For Pie
It’s that time again in the Presidential primary season when the pie flies, causing me to reminisce about the good old days — back when pie fights actually resulted in recipes – a tangible positive to the general mess.
How did "pie" come about? Too many kossacks don't seem to know the answer to that, but, as is often the case, dkosopedia is our friend and provides the answer.
For good or ill, the Great War of the Partisan Primary of '07-'08 changed everything. A massive influx of new Kossacks altered the dKos culture so that all-too-often there were pie fights but, alas, no pie. Eight years on, we’re in the early stages of what promises to be the ’15-’16 Hillo-Sanders Primary War and I do occasionally see a recipe posted in the comments of a good pie fight. Not often, though! Not often.
Now, even back in the day, many of the great pie warriors were brave – or foolish - enough to attempt the use of new and innovative weaponry, employing recipes of all dishes, some of which wouldn’t even make a good SPLAT!
The best pies have just a hint of juicy “splat!”
My golly, some of the more advanced weaponry included VEGAN dishes! But me, I’m an old-fashioned Pie Warrior; my pie has to make a point.
And so, herewith I present to you, dear pie flinger, a beginning Pie Recipe File, using some of my old standbys, and a few new ones that I’ve come across since ‘08, along with usage guidelines:
A brief word on guidelines for use, before we begin: I occasionally use the word "slung" or “sling” as in "slinging hash" because not only is it a euphemism for "serving up", but the more literal definition is pretty much all we do around here these days: sling stuff at one another.
TRANSPARENT PIE
Your motives may be transparent, but your argument is pretty darned opaque, pal.
Transparent Pie is, really, one of the two easiest pies to sling, because there's so much transparent hackery going on in the diaries and comments. Examples might include: those who pretend to be neutral but who are transparently anti-(candidate's name); or, posters who employ Republican talking points against your (read, “the best”) candidate. Sling Transparent Pie at will, but be warned that if your use of Transparent Pie is, well, transparent, you'll likely be getting it slung back at you!
Transparent Pie
Preheat oven to 450 F.
Prepare a 9" pie crust
Cream:
1 1/3 c. sugar
3 Tbs. melted butter
1 c. corn syrup
4 eggs
1/2 t. salt
For Flavor add: EITHER 1 tsp. vanilla, 1 Tbs. Lemon Juice OR 2 Tbs. tart jelly (currant works well).
Pour mixture into unbaked pie shell. Bake at 450 for 5 mins. Then reduce heat to 375 and bake for 30-35 more minutes, or until knife inserted between edge and center comes out clean. Be careful not to over-bake.
HYPOCRITE PIE
That’s no custard pie — there be apples in it!
The other "easy to sling" pie in our Recipe File, Hypocrite Pie may be slung at hypocrites. Easy enough, but inquiring minds will want to know "Why is it called Hypocrite Pie?" Well, It makes you think it's a custard pie, but it is really something else. Kinda like those "I'm pretending to be neutral, but any simple search of my diaries and comments logs will expose my bias" facades. Or maybe one of those situations where a partisan claims “My Candidate Is Perfect On This Issue, Yours Is Evil!” while conveniently ignoring that part of their candidate’s record that belies the claim. Use Hypocrite Pie at will, but beware lest you end up eating Humble Pie at the Convention.
Hypocrite Pie 9" unbaked deep dish crust
Cover about 3 cups dried apples with water and cook in a covered pot until apples are tender and water is absorbed, making sure to stir occasinally. Add more water as needed.
To the cooked apples, add: 1/2 cup sugar 3/4 tsp cinnamon 1/4 tsp cloves
Mix well and spoon into bottom of crust.
Make an egg custard topping in a saucepan. Combine:
2 beaten eggs ½ cup sugar 1 tsp cornstarch 1 cup milk 1 tsp vanilla 1 tsp butter
Heat on LOW heat until mixture is just warm. Pour over apples and bake On lower rack 325° 30 minutes (or until custard is done).
LIAR’S LIME PIE
Let’s face it – during this primary war, as in most others throughout history, there’s a lot of – um – dissembling going on. Ok. Lying. A LOT of it. Bald-faced lying has become something of an art form during the Primary Wars at dKos, and as a reality-based community, it is YOUR duty, dear partisan, to call it out. But it is imperative that you do so with elan. With creamy, sugary sweetness just tinged with the tartness of the perfect rejoinder. In short, with Liar’s Lime Pie. So called, because it’s not the real thing — it’s not Key Limes, you’re using there — it’s the full-on sour of common, conventional — dare we say it? — characterless, garden-variety limeade concentrate and reconstituted lime juice!!!, fully exhibiting your contempt for the Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Even if they are fellow Democrats. Of course, you could substitute the reconstituted lime juice with fresh juice (and use the lime zest, while you’re at it) but as a true-blue American do you really want to be caught using the ordinary Persian (begin submliminal: Iranian end subliminal) lime?
Liar’s Lime Pie
For the crust:
1 ¼ c graham cracker crumbs (about 16 crackers)
2 tbsp. sugar
5 tbsp. melted butter
For the filling:
2 pints heavy cream, divided
1 can sweetened condensed milk (14 oz.)
1 can limeade concentrate (6 oz.)
6 tbsp reconstituted lime juice
1/8 tsp vanilla extract and 1-2 tbsp sugar
Preheat the oven to 350°F.
In a bowl, stir together the graham cracker crumbs and sugar. Pour in the butter and stir to combine.
Pat the mixture into the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie pan. Bake for 10 minutes until lightly set. Put the crust aside to cool.
With an electric mixer, whip one pint of cream until very stiff. Add the condensed milk, the limeade and the lime juice and continue beating until well combined. Pour the filling into the pie shell. Refrigerate the pie for at least 4 hours, and preferably overnight. Whip the remaining pint of cream with the sugar and vanilla and top the pie. Serve chilled.
IMPOSSIBLE PIE
Because MY pie (or candidate) is IMPOSSIBLY better than yours.
Impossible Pie is one of those utilitarian pies, best slung when outrageous claims are made by a candidate's partisans. An example: “She WILL start WW III because past is prologue!” or “He WILL be labeled a Socialist and it will cause a bloodbath up and down the ballot!” In other words, impossible to prove claims, made by the opposing team’s partisans. In such instances, sling Impossible Pie at will.
Why Impossible? Because it's a type of pie that makes it’s own crust! Are you an erstwhile baker who shys away from pies because crust is too difficult to master? Do you punt and buy pre-made pie crusts? Then Impossible Pie is for you. Almost impossible to believe (just like those high-flying claims that partisans make) that while it’s baking, a crust-like layer bakes out where it’s touching the pie pan. Then you can serve up slices that look like crust, filing and topping... voila! magic! Just like the magic your candidate is going to perform!
IMPOSSIBLE PIE
one greased 9" pie pan ½ C flour ½ tsp salt 1 tsp baking powder ½ C sugar 7 TB margarine 4 eggs 1 C coconut 2 C milk 1 T vanilla
Blend all ingredients in blender until mixed well. Pour into the greased pie pan. bake at 400° For 30 minutes, or until custard is set.
PRETZEL PIE
Have you ever run across partisan logic that is so twisted, so convoluted in an
Funny thing about pretzels: if you smash them, they’re no longer twisty, convoluty thingies!
effort to justify some point they’re making about their amazing candidate that you could boil it, bake it and eat it like a pretzel? This is dKos, so of course you have! (There are so many scenarios of this in the current pie fight diaries that I can’t even come up with an example, so feel free to post your own in the comments):
For the pie:
4 large eggs
1 1/4 cups sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled
3/4 cup light corn syrup
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 store-bought 9-inch deep-dish pie shell
For the Topping:
1 1/2 cups crushed pretzels
3 tablespoons butter, melted
2 tablespoons sugar
- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
- Assemble the pie: Place the eggs, 1 1/4 cups sugar, 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons melted butter, the corn syrup, and vanilla in a large bowl and mix with a wire whisk until well combined. Pour the mixture into the pie shell.
- Make the topping: Combine the pretzels, 3 tablespoons melted butter, and 2 tablespoons sugar in a medium bowl and stir well with a spoon until the pretzels are coated.
- Sprinkle the topping evenly over the pie and bake for 30 minutes, then cover the pie with foil and bake until the center is set, 30 minutes more.*
- Allow the pie to cool completely before serving. The pie can be made up to 2 days ahead of time and stored, covered, in the fridge.
WATER PIE
When the argument just doesn’t hold water.
Not dissimilar from Impossible Pie, Water Pie is best slung when making a point that some claim or position simply doesn't "carry water". HOWEVER! Water Pie is definitely not a one-sling pie; the beauty of Water Pie is that it can also be slug to great advantage when a candidate or a candidate's partisan is attempting to "make something out of nothing". As an example: "*My* candidate is the best candidate for proving that Dems are strong on terra and strong on defense, because my candidate played with toy guns when a child! So neener, neener, neener!" Sling that Water Pie at those nothings!
WATER PIE
you need a 9" pie shell 1 c sugar ½ c flour 1 ½ c boiling water (yeah, really) pinch of salt 2 TB butter or margarine nutmeg to taste
Mix sugar, flour and salt. Add boiling water slowly, stirring constantly. Pour in the pie shell and dot with butter, sprinkle generously with nutmeg. Bake in preheated 375 degree oven for about 40 minutes. Cool before serving.
TRASH PIE
Talk trash about my candidate, will you?
Trash Pie? Well, there's certainly a lot of garbage being thrown around out there, so the most eloquent response is simply to sling some Trash Pie. It even has the advantage of being versatile: everyone, whether gay/straight, atheist/believer, vegan/carnivore, produces his/her share of garbage, so everyone can receive a pie made of their own trash.
TRASH PIE
(vegetarian style recipe provided (are those people even ‘Murrican?!?); add a pound of browned ground beef, if you want..
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
These go in:
2 2/3 cups of vegetables. (potatoes o'brien, spinach, onion, bell pepper, etc: basically, just a mix of whatever you have in the freezer or fridge... 1 cup grated cheese. Cheddar, Swiss - again, your choice... 1 cup milk (or soy) 2 eggs (or egg substitute) 1/2 cup Bisquick
Just dump the entire mess into a bowl, stir it around a bit, pour it into a (non-stick or greased) pie pan, and stuff it in the oven until the top starts to brown -- about 40 minutes. If you like lots of cheese, you can can sprinkle extra cheese on top or you can divide the cheese – mix in some, sprinkle some on top.
PARADISE PIE
For those times when one candidate’s partisans have so lost the plot that the election of their candidate is the ONLY way to save the world from imminent destruction. Or when they ignore the fact that you know – there are no Shining Knights on White Steeds who, by virtue of being elected, will Bring. The. Revolution. That, dear Kossacks, is a case for Paradise Pie!
PARADISE PIE
Pie crust: Make as you would for any single crust pie adding sugar and chips into flour mixture before adding water. Continue as if you were going to roll it once it's ready go to next step.
- Dump into pie pan and with fork or damp fingers (fingers work best) press evenly into pan.
- Prick with fork all over.
- Bake at 425° till lightly golden and done.
- Cool completely.
Filling:
- In medium sauce pan over medium heat, combine chocolate, cream and marshmallows. Stir constantly until melted and well blended.
- Be careful not to scorch--turn down heat once it starts to melt.
- Cool completely.
- When cool, fold in Cool Whip and pour into cooled pie shell. Refrigerate at least 3 hours (overnight is best).
- To serve, top with more Cool Whip.
XXXXXGATE PIE
Adapted, of course, from the mid-70s "Watergate" series of desserts - Watergate
Yeah, yeah, it looks a mess. But isn’t that what most -gates are? One big tasty mess?
Cake (complete with "cover-up" frosting), Watergate Salad and Watergate Pie - often found at picnics and potlucks, this recipe is rumored to have been so named because, it's full of nuts, just like the Watergate scandal was comprised of a bunch of nutcases.
In this case, "Xxxxxgate Pie may be slung whenever partisans of one or another candidate attempt to create a "-gate" out of anything and everything: Benghazigate! E-Mailgate! Culinary Uniongate!
And, as befits the complex process of fabricating a XXXXXgate, the XXXXXgate Pie recipe is one of the most complex in our arsenal (multiple fillings, y’all!):
XXXXXGATE PIE
FOR THE CRUST
• 1 cup walnuts • 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature • 1 cup all-purpose flour
FOR THE FIRST FILLING
• 1 1/2 cups heavy cream • 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract • 1 large marshmallow • 1/2 pound cream cheese, room temperature • 1 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted • 2 to 3 tablespoons sugar, or to taste
FOR THE SECOND FILLING
• 2 (3-ounce) packages instant pistachio pudding mix • 2 1/2 cups milk • 2 tablespoons slivered unsalted pistachios for garnish
• 2 tablespoons jobbed cocktail cherries (optional) for garnish
Directions Preheat the oven to 350°F
To make the crust add the walnuts to the bowl of a food processor and pulse several times to chop finely. Add the butter and flour, process to combine and form a dough. Press into a deep dish pie plate. Bake until the crust is golden brown, 25 to 20 minutes. Set aside to cool completely.
Meanwhile, to make the first filling, use a free-standing or handheld electric mixer to whip the cream and vanilla until soft peaks form. In a microwave oven, cook the marshmallow until soft, about 10 seconds Beat the softened marshmallow into the whipped cream, to stabilize.
Using an electric mixer, mix together 1 cup of the whipped cream, the softened cream cheese and the confectioners' sugar. Spread the mixture over the bottom of the crust. Mix the remaining whipped cream with the granulated sugar and set aside.
To make the second filling, in a medium bowl, whisk together the pudding mix and the milk until smooth and thickened, 3 to 4 minutes. Pour the pudding over the cream cheese layer. Top with the remaining whipped cream and sprinkle with silvered pistachios and cherries. Refrigerate for several hours and serve chilled.
THANKSGIVING PIE
We give thanks for competence. That, or incompetence.
The Thanksgiving Pie recipe may be slung in any "anti-(candidate's name) diary as a way to express our thanks that we, as Democrats, have THREE viable and credible candidates, any one of whom will stand head-and-shoulders above any of the Repug candidates. It is strictly forbidden that the Thanksgiving Pie recipe be used post-primary against the partisans of losing candidates. Once the final Dem candidate is chosen via the primary process, the Thanksgiving Pie recipe may be used as a unifying force to praise our candidate in any diary which predicts his/her loss (as in, "I'm giving thanks that s/he is our candidate; s/he will fight the good fight against the Repug candidate). Warning: abuse of the Thanksgiving Pie recipe ought to be a banable offense! (C'mon, Kos, give me the f***ing power!)
THANKSGIVING PIE Crust:
1 (9- or 10-inch) pie crust, prepared or made from scratch.
Filling:
3 apples (use a soft, sweet variety like McIntosh or other sauce variety) 1 (12-ounce) package fresh whole cranberries 1 cup light brown sugar
Topping:
3/4 cup walnuts 1/4 cup light brown sugar 1/4 cup white flour 3 tablespoons butter, softened or cut into bits 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 1/8 teaspoon salt
• Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. • Prepare the piecrust and fit into a 9- or 10-inch pie pan. • Peel, core and dice the apples. • Place the apple pieces in a large bowl with the cranberries and 1 cup of light brown sugar; mix well and place into the pie shell. • Place the walnuts in the bowl of a food processor fitted with the steel blade; pulse for 5 seconds. • Add the remaining ingredients and pulse until blended but still crumbly. (If you don't have a food processor, chop the nuts by hand and blend them with the rest of ingredients with the back of a large spoon.) • Spoon the topping all over the pie. • Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes, then lower the temperature to 350 degrees for 30 more minutes; cover with foil to prevent the topping from darkening too much.
And here we come to it - the pie recipes we've all been waiting for -
The real question is, however, which candidate's dKos partisans will have the privilege of using the first of these recipes?
I'm speaking, of course, of CROW PIE
One crow or four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie...
Crow Pie cannot be slung in dKos until after one of the candidates has wrapped up the nomination. Warning: As with Thanksgiving Pie, the misuse of Crow Pie ought to be a ban-able offense! (c'mon Kos, gimme the f***ing power already!)
CROW PIE
1 crow
stuffing of your choice
salt and pepper
shortening
flour
2 Pie crust mixes
2-3 hard-boiled eggs
Stuff the crow. Loosen joints with a knife but do not cut through.
Simmer the crow in a stew-pan, with enough water to cover, until nearly tender, then season with salt and pepper. Remove meat from bones and set aside.
Prepare pie crusts as directed. (Do not bake)
Make a medium thick gravy with flour, shortening, and juices in which the crow has cooked and let cool.
Line a pie plate with pie crust and line with slices of hard-boiled egg. Place crow meat on top. Layer gravy over the crow. Place second pie dough crust over top.
Bake at 450 degrees for 1/2 hour.
And finally, Crow's fellow pie, Humble:
HUMBLE PIE
Pretty sure this isn’t what the recipe would look like, but we’re fresh out of deer humbles today.
The oh-so-humble pie. Whose partisans, when their candidate finally loses or pulls out, will eat it, and will unreservedly give their sweat, blood and treasure to the party nominee? Warning: Humble Pie is not to be slung by the victors. Humble Pie is to be offered freely, accepted graciously and dined upon in a spirit of reconciliation. Any abuse of the use of Humble Pie ought to be a banable offense! (Dammit Kos, where's my f***ing power, already?!?)
HUMBLE PIE
The humbles of a deer: stomach, washed intestine ,liver ,etc
Beef suet to the same weight as the deer entrails
10 cloves
tsp mace
tsp nutmeg
tsp cinammon
pinch salt
4 pounds of currants
half a pound of candy'd orange,lemon and citron peel
half a pound of dates
pastry
Parboil the Humbles of the Deer
Take all the Fat off them
Add the Beef Suet and mince it very small together
Season it with Cloves,Mace ,Nutmeg ,and a little Cinammon and Salt
Put some Currants, Candy's and Dates, stoned and sliced
Fill your Pye and lid it
When baked put in some Sack and serve it
This ancient recipe is from Castle Howard in Yorkshire and is the inspiration for the saying "to eat humble pie " as only the peasants ate this pie ,the better meat being saved for the aristocrats .It was written down in 1734 .
As always, feel free to post your own pie recipes in the comments!
