I was inspired by this week's Sunday Talk pictures of chicks (hmmmm, chicks) and McCain. This diary is light in substance, fluffy in nature, and it tastes like chocolate chicken. Exactly how I like my Sunday mornings.
What I wrote below was a satirical speech I did for one of my Toastmasters project around last Christmas. I adapted it for today's holiday of course. Enjoy.
There is a War on Easter going on ladies and gentlemen, and I am here to help you win this war. Damn Straight Talk I am! Easter season is at our door, and there is nothing like a good kick in the Chicks Magnet to make cheap bastards sing O Holy Bugs and cry Bunny. In falsetto. Hi, I'm John McSame, from Fluffy Bunny Industries. I am delighted to help you, Defense Department Store, choose your weapons against penny-pinching Liberals and Tight Wallets. After all, what would be the spirit of Easter without some good ol' exploding profits?
Many people in the audience asked me how Fluffy Bunny Industries was born. Well, when I was a young soldier in the jungle alleys of Wal-Nam, I was ambushed by 500 Wal-Nameses, armed with bulging credit cards and no desire to use them. It was late March 1967. They demanded lower prices, all day, every day. It was brutal. When I looked around for an escape route, I noticed all those plastic jungle eggs surrounding me. That's when it hit me. Man, those eggs are too white for their own good, they need bright colors! I improvised a weapon out of bamboo sticks, my old dentures and I came up with the Easter Egg Grenade. I had an opening to make my escape on March 23rd, so that's when I threw my Easter Egg Grenade at my captors. When it exploded, every egg in a 500 meters radius hatched, mesmerizing the Wal-Nameses with chirpy cuteness. While they stood there like Mother Hens, I charged their credit cards, to the max, made my heroic escape and founded FBI. Happy Easter you cheap bastards.
So, now that you know the Fluffy Bunny story, it's time to concentrate on your own needs, and boy do I have what you need. Nowadays, Defense Department Store is known for products that are outdated and pack as much firepower as cheap American beers. Where you should have an army of customers marching in with a tankful of good credit, you only get an occasional platoon of penny-loaded bargain hunters on good Friday. It's pathetic. Now what do you say to that huh? You say "Yes Sir! Won't happen again Sir!". Of course it won't, I've brought the heavy artillery.
In the next few days, your staff will be working with Colonel Sanders, Major Disaster and Captain Crunch. These gentlemen are highly trained professionals and will transform Defense Department Store into a Easter battlefield worthy of Discovery Channel. I can almost see it: "War on Easter or how I stopped worrying and learned to love profits". Well profits come at a price ladies and gentlemen, and the price is products that people are ready to kill for. Let me show you FBI's new line of toys.
Our main product is a fantastic item for the Remote Commander of the house. How many times have you battled insidious Telebans, who tried to steal your Fox News signal, armed with straight-talk antennas? That's right, too many times. Well no more! Dissolve their cheap dish from the sky with our new and improved Acid Chocolate Rain. That'll sure make them move away from the tube to breathe in. On Easter Eve, no one can hear Bill'O scream.
And of course, here's Fluffy Bunny Industries' masterpiece. This item, ladies and gentlemen, will protect your reputation against the most powerful chemical warfare agent known to my campaign, err, I meant man, known to man: Truth. Let me introduce, The Hunt For The Red Egg-Tober. At the first sign of real facts coming from the medias, a few dozens of these amazing Red Egg-Tobers, scrambled to perfection on the Straight-Talk Barbecue (sold separately) is all it will take to keep the facts unhatched. This will be the hottest item of the season ladies and gentlemen, hotter than Wingnuts roasting on an open primary. Oh, and speaking of primaries, Fluffy Bunny's a proud sponsor of the "Don't abort and multiply" campaign this Easter. Practice safe sextuplet.
Well there you have it. I, and Fluffy Bunny Industries, firmly believe Defense Department Store will make a killing this Easter season. And those penny-pinching Liberals and Tight Wallets I talked about earlier? With these new products in your arsenal, they'll be throwing their credit cards at you like I did with my original Easter Egg Grenade. You'll be singing "I'm dreaming of a White Fiscal Paradise" in no time. Easter is such a blast.
Ladies and Gentlemen.