Jon Stewart really lit into the potential Republican presidential contenders for 2012. I mean, seriously, for all the potential candidates Jon highlighted, the material he used can and should be used by some Democratic group to throw back at them in an ad in the general election for whichever one comes out of the GOP primary. To not do so would be political malfeasance.
NEWT GINGRICH (3/27/2011): I have two grandchildren - Maggie is 11, Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists.
I don't want to... obviously, I don't want to nitpick this, but how could a secular atheist country be dominated by religious extremists? I mean, you can have one but I don't believe you can have the other. Atheist Islamists... atheist Islamists. So is an atheist Islamist, what, do they pray five times a day to a God they don't believe exists? Is that...?
Of course, Gingrich has had to fight twice as hard for the vote in Republican Base-i-stan because his values voter cred is somewhat damaged by his Value-pak amount of wives. But he's working hard to explain his past infidelities.
NEWT GINGRICH (3/9/2011): There's no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
"Yes, I strayed. But she was wearing a flag-pin on her vagina. To not fuck that would let the terrorists win, and I....."
Video and transcript below the fold.
Folks, let's get to the elections coming up. Before any Republican can gear up to defeat Barack Obama, they must first destroy all but one of themselves. To do that, they've got to appeal to the hardest of their core, a race we will explore in our ongoing coverage....
Which Republican will be elected the President of Base-i-stan? Base-i-stan, of course, that rarest of countries where somehow every part of the country is in its middle. Even its coasts are its heartland. Now you can't use the lamestream media to reach these voters of your base, so the candidates must be resourceful to ensure they appeal to the broadest swath of narrow people.
In this regard, Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann is an early frontrunner. Her State of the Union response in January bypassed not just the lamestream media, but the cameraman. Because we all know the denizens of Base-i-stan are somewhere over.... (looks away)
Of course, Bachmann's next tech adventure was a live Facebook townhall from a mall in Des Moines, where she clearly fixed her eye line issues.
REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN (3/25/2011): I apologize for the noise in the background. This is live in Des Moines. That's waterfall noises that you're hearing in the background.
All right, let's take another Facebook question. This one's from Ted in Arizona. "Why don't you move away from the waterfall?" All right, I just answered that before. that's been the first five questions! Does anyone have a non-waterfall question?
But you know, to win over the Republican base, it's not just the medium, it's also the message. While the economy's clearly the #1 issue, Base-i-stan has even more urgent issues. And Republican candidate Herman Cain notes in Base-i-stan, they may be God-fearing, but they're Allah-terrifying.
SCOTT KEYES, THINK PROGRESS (3/26/2011): Would you be comfortable appointing a Muslim in your Cabinet or as a federal judge?
HERMAN CAIN: No, I will not.
Ah, would you let a Jew drive you to the airport? Would you play golf with a Catholic? Can a Druid mow your lawn?
Cain's going to be tough to catch with that. Who will challenge?
CHUCK TODD (3/29/2011): Gingrich warned of a takeover by "atheist radical Islamists".
NEWT GINGRICH (3/27/2011): I have two grandchildren - Maggie is 11, Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists.
I don't want to... obviously, I don't want to nitpick this, but how could a secular atheist country be dominated by religious extremists? I mean, you can have one but I don't believe you can have the other. Atheist Islamists... atheist Islamists. So is an atheist Islamist, what, do they pray five times a day to a God they don't believe exists? Is that...?
Of course, Gingrich has had to fight twice as hard for the vote in Republican Base-i-stan because his values voter cred is somewhat damaged by his Value-pak amount of wives. But he's working hard to explain his past infidelities.
NEWT GINGRICH (3/9/2011): There's no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
"Yes, I strayed. But she was wearing a flag-pin on her vagina. To not fuck that would let the terrorists win, and I....."
Listen, just be thankful we didn't mock that one up.
Now, to win in Base-i-stan, you will have to talk about the economy. In particular, how abortion has ruined it, as Rick Santorum discussed in this interview.
RICK SANTORUM (3/29/2011): The reason Social Security is in big trouble is we don't have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion, because one in three pregnancies end in abortion.
So, abortion is bad because it has reduced the number of young people who can pay for the baby boomers' retirement. I guess you could then also make the argument that we wouldn't be in this Social Security predicament in the first place, if more of the baby boomers had just been aborted. Or, if Hitler had won WWII.
But you know, any candidate can make hypothetical anti-abortion arguments, Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour walks the walk of the womb.
HALEY BARBOUR (3/25/2011): The legislature had a Democrat (sic) majority in both houses, passed six pro-life bills my first year, that led to Americans United for Life to call Mississippi the safest state in America for an unborn child.
And the highest mortality rate in America for children out of the womb. 50th!
52nd if you include D.C. and Puerto Rico. It's like it says on their license plate:
Looks like Barbour might need extra Base-i-stan credit. Perhaps he could invade Gayslylvania. Here's why he'd reinstate Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
HALEY BARBOUR (3/25/2011): When you're under fire, and people are living and dying on split second decisions, you don't need any kind of amorous mindset that can affect saving people's lives and killing bad guys.
Who in the middle of a firefight has an amorous mindset?? And by the way, wouldn't the guy who has a crush on you be more likely to save your life?
So, the media, Muslims, abortion, gays, I think that's it. Ah right, one more thing in Base-i-stan. Something that makes Base-i-stan oh so so angry, something they hate more than anything else, their so-called "President".
HALEY BARBOUR (3/26/2011): Obama's policies are hurting the economy...
MICHELE BACHMANN (3/30/2011): Obamacare is a disaster...
NEWT GINGRICH (3/17/2011): It is maybe the most passive and out-of-touch presidency in modern American history...
HERMAN CAIN (3/26/2011): We don't like this radical socialism that's being shove down our throats!
Yawn... boring out of touch disastrous radical socialist.... Does anyone want to win this fucking race?
DONALD TRUMP (3/23/2011): Why doesn't he show his birth certificate?
That is the Base-i-stan resin, just, mmm.... By the way, he did produce a birth certificate, it was legally certified, people saw it. But who gives a shit? Dive in, Donald.
DONALD TRUMP (3/27/2011): You know what I did yesterday? It was very interesting. I said, "Where's my birth certificate? Get me my birth certificate." And they brought it to my office. I have it.
And then I said, you know what, dip my birth certificate in gold, give it some fake tits, and tell it to wait in my bedroom. That's how easy it is. Trump 2012, I'm hired.
We'll be right back.
John Hodgman was also on to
talk about people's embarrassing Internet history. Sigh... he even brought up the now-infamous UCLA co-ed who has since dropped out of school after her comments.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert brought up how
James O'Keefe is now asking for $50,000 in donations from his fans in yet another scam/sting video.
And this could have legs. Stephen has decided to
start his own PAC,
ColbertPAC, with the help of
Trevor Potter, which will be joining the 2012 GOP race in some aspect or another. The commercials he'll legally be allowed to run could get
very interesting.
Jon talked with
Jake Gyllenhaal, while Stephen talked with
Tim Shriver.