The April 2012 issue of Popular Mechanics reports:
Mapping a Cosmic Unknown: Dark Matter makes up about a quarter of the matter in the universe, and scientists still don’t know what it is–but at least now they know where it is. An international team spent five years observing 10 million galaxies using a 340-megapixel camera mounted on a telescope in Hawaii. By studying how the light from these galaxies was deflected along its route to Earth by the gravitational force exerted by clumps of invisible dark matter, the researchers were able to piece together a map of dark matter’s distribution spanning more than a billion light years. It is the first glimpse of dark matter on such a large scale.
(From page 20. This is NOT the breakthrough referred to.)
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In a not-directly-related development, other scientists have been studying a comparatively recently discovered phenomenon, of the incidence of dark matter and dramatic dark matter consequences much closer to home.
Of course, dark matter is the heretofore hypothetical substance which accounts for a high percentage of mass in the universe, taken together with stars and planets and asteroids, cosmic dust, cat litter, heavy stuff like that. It was theorized because scientists determined that matter they could account for just didn’t weigh enough. Wikipedia says dark matter accounts for up to 83% of all of the matter in the universe.
Now, forensic sociologist, Rush Flambeaux tells us dark matter is in evidence on our home planet, Earth, even in our United States of America. It isn’t common in most groups, but dark matter has been found resident in human beings. While not all human beings have been tested, so far the discovery of dark matter has appeared isolated to a single group–US political conservatives. Further, the dark matter seems to congregate exclusively in the brains of affected parties. Thus, scientists investigating the phenomenon have taken to referring to the local manifestation as ‘dark grey matter.’
‘Our method of detection wasn't so dissimilar to that of the physicists studying dark matter in the universe,’ said Flambeaux. ‘It all has to do with light and illumination, and the behavior of those physical phenomena.’
‘The gravitational coefficient (GC) of dark grey matter (DGM) is very high,’ continued Flambeaux. ‘It isn't impossible for a good idea (GI) to float around in there, but the prevalence of dark grey matter pretty much guarantees that any such idea will never achieve 'escape velocity' (EV) and see the light of day (LOD). Worse (W), the gravitational pull (GP) usually results in dark grey matter pulling in all kinds of 'junk ideas' (JI) into there along with the rare good idea (RGI). This means the host (DICKHEAD) tends to be inundated with the very kind of gibberish (BS) you see them infusing into the political arena (PA).’
‘The bad ideas succeed in getting out, by contrast, because of identical polarity, we believe,' exclaims Flambeaux. 'As the positive poles of two magnets repel each other, bad ideas come whizzing out of them at a remarkable rate, in a phenomenon our scientists call ‘spew’ (SPEW). They really can’t help it, they have to get that stuff out.’
‘To give the example of one of our remote test subjects (RTS), we spent a long time studying South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint (DICKHEAD 001). Our tests indicated a higher Dark Grey Matter Index (DGMI) with him than our photographic instruments could measure. In fact, we burned up two brand new units (BNU) trying. We were able to confirm that the fundamental algorithms (FA) we used to measure light in the presence of conventional dark grey matter were of no use with him. Brightness itself dimmed in his company.’
(One staffer who refused to go on the record speculated that DeMint might be a vampire (VDICKHEAD), that it’s doubtful he’s ever seen his reflection in a mirror, perhaps because he can’t. While we can’t speculate on that, some have suggested other theories (GUILT) might account for his inability to look himself in the mirror.)
Much study has been conducted on correlations between gravitational and electromagnetic attraction, focusing primarily on the Fox News Channel (DICKHEAD CENTRAL). Many conservatives, it seems, have little choice but to gravitate to that channel when watching television. Dark energy attracts like, it seems. The question of whether dark grey matter proliferation (DGMP, or INFILTRATION) is advanced by exposure to Fox News has not yet been resolved, despite anecdotal evidence suggesting that it’s very likely. The biggest problem with conducting this research, according to Flambeaux, is that none of their scientists can commit to direct, close proximity study of this hypothesis. 'First do no harm' even applies to individuals in this case. They want information, but not at the expense of their colleagues (and their colleagues' souls). Research, yes, self-sacrifice, no. Flambeaux suspects this difficulty traces back ultimately to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP).
Again, according to Wikipedia ...
In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states a fundamental limit on the accuracy with which certain pairs of physical properties of a particle, such as position and momentum, can be simultaneously known. In layman's terms, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be controlled, determined, or known.
‘Now, we suspect the Heisenberg uncertainty principle originated when a conservative with a high DGMI entered the laboratory while Heisenberg was studying the movement of particles, with the gravitational pull of the dark grey matter influencing the results and causing Heisenberg those doubts,’ said Flambeaux. ‘Modern day researchers often have difficulty duplicating Heisenberg’s conclusions, perhaps in large part because of the unlikelihood of ever finding a conservative within a mile of any scientific research facility. We can only guess that it has something to do with electromagnetic polarity.'
Flambeaux went on to describe their latest discovery, which they’re calling the ‘Romney Corollary’ (MR BS). 'The Romney Corollary states that, no matter what, you can never truly know HIS position (Emphasis Flambeaux's. EF). It isn’t constant enough to last with integrity through even one speech or public gathering.'
‘Our research in this field is ongoing,’ Flambeaux continued. ‘We are accepting candidate nominations for further study (OTHER DICKHEADS) in the comment fields, below. (Jim DeMint has already been suggested, multiple times, so please do not repeat his name. Or Nikki Haley’s (DICKHEAD 002). Dark grey matter is strong in that one.)’
So we come to the interactive portion of tonight’s Top Comments diary. What are your experiences, oh noble Kossacks, with comparative illumination when it comes to this radically conservative subset of American politicians (MEGADICKHEADS)? Do you notice the brightness dimming effect we mentioned, earlier? Almost as if light itself were being drawn into a black hole? What other effects have you noticed, in your dealings with them? Post those experiences in the comment threads below (CTB), too, please!
Thanks for visiting! On to tonight's comments! (Special thanks (ST) to brillig (B) for collaboration (C) with the comment submissions (CS) to tonight's diary (TD)!)
::snort:: ::giggle:: ::deep breaths::
There I was, thinking I was getting a Serious Diary (SD) and instead a Truly Special Satirical Diary (TSSD) crept in instead! Well-played :).
::chuckle:: ::looks serious:: OK, I'm OK now. On to the Three Tops (TCTMTP)...
Brillig's ObDisclaimer: The decision to publish each nomination lies with the evening's Diarist and/or Comment Formatter. My evenings at the helm, I try reeeeallllyy hard to publish everything without regard to content. I really do, even when I disagree personally with any given nomination. "TopCommentness" lies in the eyes of the nominator and of you, the reader - I leave the decision to you. I do not publish self-nominations (ie your own comments) and if I ruled the world, we'd all build community, supporting and uplifting instead of tearing our fellow Kossacks down.
From Purple Priestess:
In Jed Lewison's FP diary regarding John McCain's whining about Pres. Obama's new ad, archer070 nailed it.
From brillig:
From Jed Lewison's Mitt Romney ally: Elie Wiesel's campaign against posthumous conversion is a bigoted Democratic plot comes a thread begun by Lily O Lady and well worth a read.
From BeninSC:
If no one from TC is submitting this comment from Tim DeLaney in today's J Town diary (always worthwhile, courtesy of JanF!), I will! I feel like you are my brother, Tim, and thank you.
This comment (also from J Town), by NonnyO, is an example of my favorite kind of comment, personal, detailed, from the heart, about life on the farm, with advice about making one's own butter!
Another from J Town, if you like 'signs of the times,' you can't do better than this pictorial comment from arizonablue!
Finally, again from that rich diary, I always enjoy Dragon5616's terrific comment contributions, which are nearly diaries unto themselves!
I loved this comment from Brooke In Seattle, emphasizing the importance of jobs for everyone in the face of tax attacks on the elderly and disabled. Rec this one, please.
Top Mojo for yesterday, April 26th, first comments and tip jars excluded. Thank you mik for the mojo magic!
1) Doesn't matter what Obama has... by JeffW — 185
2) They cover up rape by Ekaterin — 168
3) You are part of the change by kimoconnor — 149
4) Glee is a show by ivorybill — 136
5) as I noted in my diary by ShoshannaD — 134
6) Let me be clear by ivorybill — 114
7) i want to see by LaughingPlanet — 110
8) So I guess it was bad before the spill . by indycam — 105
9) I almost donutted you by Dallasdoc — 99
10) Which is why he keeps looking for moderate Goopers by RFK Lives — 96
11) The "party of fiscal responsibility" by Bjorn in MN — 95
12) I'm afraid it will pass. by The Nephew — 94
13) I'm still after the sumbitch by exlrrp — 84
14) Heh by Dallasdoc — 84
15) and once I get past the shock by ShoshannaD — 82
16) EFF explains it here. by Brown Thrasher — 79
17) Yours is not the only truth by Dallasdoc — 78
18) The Treasury is in the executive branch by priceman — 78
19) I would expect hispanic voters to be pretty by ranger995 — 77
20) come on, thats ridiculous by rexymeteorite — 76
21) (((norm))) by Debbie in ME — 75
22) You are right priceman, this will not be popular by temptxan — 74
23) But it's a DRY dead heat ... by blue aardvark — 70
24) the political climate by Laurence Lewis — 70
25) Delete before the fail train crashes by Horace Boothroyd III — 69
26) Whoops, the bottom ones didn't take. by triciawyse — 69
27) Talk about a BS decision, this takes the cake by dangoch — 68
28) Now is the time we need to pull together if by Olympia — 67
29) And we have to learn about this by Puddytat — 67
30) IMO it is precisely because the preident by glitterscale — 66
31) You may have created a moment of reflection for by Wee Mama — 66
32) When politicians really address the mortgage by slinkerwink — 66
Top Pictures for yesterday, April 26th. Click any image to be taken to the full comment. Thank you jotter for the image magic!