I would have responded to Kos's most recent Saturday Hate-mail-a-palooza a lot sooner, but Kitsap River and I just got back from visiting her mother in Northern California on the occasion of her 80th birthday. (That's mom, not KR, in case some of you weren't clear on that.)
Briefly, Kos discussed -- and riffed on the hilarity of -- a masterfully-written takedown notice by one Manny Favela of Park Avenue Enterprises, regarding a recent diary by yours truly concerning a hideous experience with Mr. Favela, his enterprise's products and... well, let's jump over the orange filament for What Happened Next.
To recap, back on March 1st I ordered a torchiere lamp from Park Avenue Enterprises, which arrived a few days later. After reading the assembly instructions thoroughly, on attempting to assemble it I discovered that the lamp was defective: a connector between two pole segments was mis-aligned in such a way that precluded any cross-threading or other error on my part.
The correspondence between Yr. Obdt. Srvt. and Mr. Favela et al was duplicated verbatim in my previous diary, but apparently Mr. Favela finally found the Intarwebz and sent Kos an equally hilarious -- not to mention legally specious and functionally illiterate -- takedown notice, the followups to which Kos quoted (also verbatim and in their entirety, I sincerely hope).
But I never got around to posting what happened next on my end of the situation.
On March 23rd I opened a dispute with PayPal, citing defective merchandise, in which I wrote:
Dear sirs,
I am providing you this final opportunity to make good on the damaged torchiere lamp which I ordered on March 1, and which I informed you of on March 6. In view of your highly insulting and derogatory responses to my previous communications.
You claim that this torchiere was unpacked, assembled, disassembled, and repacked prior to shipping. Can you explain how the exterior cardboard package, required by import/export regulations, had never been previously opened? Can you explain why the internal styrofoam packing shell had never been un-taped, and did not show any indication of having been touched prior to my receiving the lamp? Can you explain how you overlooked the obvious manufacturing flaw at the bottom end of the middle pole section?
No, you cannot. Your claim is patently false.
Moreover, your claim that I assembled the lamp without reading or following the instructions is equally laughable. As my wife can corroborate, I read those instructions multiple times and followed them TO THE LETTER while assembling the lamp. We noted the manufacturing defect at that time. I will be more than happy to provide photographic evidence to PayPal at their request.
And by the way, can you explain why those instructions were written using a pirated copy of Microsoft Office? Either you or the Chinese manufacturer are guilty of software piracy; if the latter, then this is one more indication that you never opened or assembled the package in the first place.
Finally, your insulting and derogatory responses to my request for replacement are unacceptable in the extreme. Your statement, "It is clear you do NOT possess the Mental Fortitude nor the Mechanical Aptitude to assemble this Lamp," only displays your own ignorance of customer service. I have multiple university degrees and have been employed as a computer programmer, systems administrator, and network engineer for decades.I will only accept a full and complete refund of the purchase and shipping costs.
On the 26th, Mr. Favela upgraded this to a claim and provided this response (quoted verbatim in its entirety from PayPal's disputes page):
The FULL response has been sent to; executiveoffice@paypal.com
The follow is ONLY in Part! After speaking with senior management at Pay Pal we are, as a courtesy, proving the following regarding this matter.
To start ALL Lamps sold online are Opened, Assembled, Operated, and FULLY inspected prior to being shipped to be sure they are FREE from any problems or defects. Once the inspection process is completed the Lamps are carefully packed and shipped.
On March 6th Customer Service received an e-mail from this buyer stating there was an issue with a connector which joins the bottom and middle pole sections together. Along with this e-mail we also received 4 pictures from the Buyer that CLEARLY shows the damaged had been caused By The Buyer due to Cross Threading during initial assembly. As we state in the Sale Policy at the time of purchase AND also in the warranty information provided with the lamp, if Cross Threading is determined this would Void Any Implied warranty!! From the pictures supplied it is Clear the Buyer Did NOT read the assembly instructions prior to beginning assembly and as a result when making the connection in question Cross Threading took place which caused damaged to the Lamp.
March 7th, At this point our VP followed up with the Buyer and although the problem was NOT covered under ANY implied warranty, and as a courtesy, told the buyer we would provide a RMA so the lamp could be returned. Upon receiving the lamp we would address the area in question and return the Lamp to him. For the RMA to be issued, it is required that the Lamp be returned in the Original Packaging as received. The Buyer Clearly indicated that (as he put it)" the Styrofoam in which the lamp was packaged disintegrated while removing the lamp from it". The Buyer then became threatening and demanding on what we would do to correct and fix the Damage HE CREATED!! As we state in the Sale Policy at the time of purchase, ALL returns MUST be in the Original Packaging as receive
(Sentence and paragraph breaks inserted for clarity.)
On March 27th I had an extended phone call with PayPal customer service, the gist of which was that they would press Mr. Favela and co. for a refund upon my returning the lamp, and this was authorized on April 8th. VICTORY!
But wait! there's more!
Prior to packaging the lamp for return, I took one more long look at the hosed-up part. Here's what I saw (holding it upside-down to keep from having to balance the remaining pieces on end):
Lamp pole with gap in connector
And here's what I realized: I have vise-grips, and I CAN FIX THIS MYSELF!
I carefully disassembled the connector, even more carefully put it back together -- absolutely straight -- and finished assembling the torchiere. Voila! it stood perfectly straight.
Proving beyond a shadow of doubt that not only could Mr. Favela and friends NOT have previously assembled the lamp -- or if they had, they and not I were the incompetent ones -- but that all of their claims to the contrary were utter lies.
I wish I could tell you that I threw this into Mr. Favela's face, but by this point I wanted to be shut of the entire matter, so I let the claim expire.
There you have it, but for one remaining fact: two weeks ago the dimmer switch stopped dimmering. The lamp has two modes: off and on, nothing between. I guess Manny got his revenge after all.
By the way, Manny: the truth is an absolute defense against charges of slander and libel. If you insist, I'll see you in any court, any where, any time -- as long as you've got the money to cover all of my expenses once you get laughed out of countenance and dismissed with prejudice.