From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
One Last Plea
This is the final pitch for C&J's annual fund drive, and I really, really need to make this powerful, persuasive and, above all, motivational to get me over the top. It's a job that goes beyond my capabilities, so I'm turning it over to the folks at the DCCC who managed the email blasts during the midterm campaign season:
To: [Your Misspelled Name Here]
Subject: Terrible decision! It's too late! Crippling blow! I'm worried we're
dead in the water! Have you seen the polls? This is DISGUSTING and could be the end!!!
Dear Draley Koss,
Have you ever seen a civilization drown in a lake of fire? If we don’t collect $3, $5, $25, $50, $100 or whatever you can give in the next ten minutes to fight the smear tactics of those who want to destroy Bill in Portland Maine, we can't guarantee that this won't happen.
In fact, Draley, we can't guarantee that every slimy, scummy, filth-ridden evil that befalls freedom-loving Americans like you between now and the end of time won't be all your fault, with future generations from your bloodline cursed for eternity, some say, if you don't press the donate button and empty your bank account into Bill's. It's three freaking dollars! Or five! Or twenty five! Or one hundred! Or whatever!
With Bill in Portland Maine working for us together, Draley, we can build the promise of the hope for a brighter America, affecting our children and their dream of getting a free "Vote For Democrats Because!" bumper sticker if you donate now. For your convenience, helpful NSA representatives are posing as lamps to monitor the nowness of your donation.
Don't let this chance slip away, Draley. Everything is at stake. Do it now. The lake of fire is already spilling into the county next to yours is something we don't want to have to say in the subject line of our next email.
Sincerely,
The Team
To usher C&J into its eighth year of being
bought and paid for by you, the best online community on the planet, please consider making a one-time donation or signing up for a monthly contribution. After all, there is no daily column anywhere that's more celebrated for excellence in mediocrity than this one, and I stand by that claim.
One time contribution: click here.
$5 monthly contribution: click here
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Snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger,
16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
Thank you for your support. And now, your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 21, 2014
Note: Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This fulfills my Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I hype obligation to society. Thank you.
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7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Stephen Colbert's last episode of
The Colbert Report:
27
Days 'til the
tree lighting in Boise:
7
America's rank on the new list for 'electoral integrity':
26
(Source:
Bradblog)
Percent of Maine's population made up of baby boomers, the highest percent of any state:
29%
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Minimum expected drop in Spain's olive oil production this year, due to blight and high spring temperatures:
50%
(Source: AP)
Decrease in funding over the last year for the loopdy-doo National Organization for Marriage (NOM), which now gets most of its money from two donors:
50%
(Source: NOM tax records)
Number of Americans expected to travel 50 miles or more this Thanksgiving, the highest level in 7 years:
46.3 million
(Source: AAA)
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NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 43 days. After that, we won’t have to put "Rep." after her name when she spouts BS like this:
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"The social cost will be profound on the U.S. taxpayer---millions of unskilled, illiterate, foreign nationals coming into the United States who can’t speak the English language. Even though the president says they won’t be able to vote, we all know that many, in all likelihood, will vote. The president has a very single-minded vision. He’s looking at new voters for 2016. People do vote without being a citizen. It’s a wink and a nod, we all know it’s going to happen."
That is, of course, crap. But Republicans instituting Voter ID laws de facto poll taxes, shrinking early-voting hours and sending out election mailers to Democrats with false information? Those are all very real and, to Michele Bachmann, no big whoop.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: By popular request, C&J's Georgian rescue lab-mix Haley, who bids you "Woof, y'all…"
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CHEERS to "the biggest change to immigration policy in 25 years." That's how Rachel Maddow characterized President Obama's announcement last night, which he repeated today in Nevada. I loved his speech (shame on the networks for snubbing it)….it was powerful, at times goosebump-inducing prose:
Reason to smile today. Ya done good.
"Over the past few years, I have seen the determination of immigrant fathers who worked two or three jobs without taking a dime from the government, and at risk any moment of losing it all, just to build a better life for their kids. I’ve seen the heartbreak and anxiety of children whose mothers might be taken away from them just because they didn’t have the right papers. I’ve seen the courage of students who, except for the circumstances of their birth, are as American as Malia or Sasha; students who bravely come out as undocumented in hopes they could make a difference in the country they love.
These people---our neighbors, our classmates, our friends---they did not come here in search of a free ride or an easy life. They came to work, and study, and serve in our military, and above all, contribute to America’s success."
When it was over my impression was that, while highly consequential and historic, Obama's actions are the kind that our government could and should be making every day without a lot of fuss: robust border enforcement, deferred action on parents of U.S. citizens and legal residents, and an easier way to keep foreign smartypantses here to do smart stuff that make us exceptional, preferably in the fields of green energy and video games. For their part, Republicans reacted…..[
Sigh]…..y'know. The usual.
P.S. This...
P.P.S This too...
CHEERS to the beginning of the end. Two events yesterday signal the official home stretch of 2014. Last night around 9 O'clock we noticed that the constellation Orion was hovering low on the horizon. For the rest of the fall and winter it will be our nightly companion when we take the dog out to pee. But, more important, yesterday Portland set up its official 2014 Tannenbaum. ("Ooh! Wie treu sind deine Blätter!") If tradition holds, from here on out, the rest of the year will be a blur. [Blink] Happy 2015!
"We made it! Outta my way I gotta pee!"
CHEERS to reaching dry land. On today's date in 1620, after being denied boarding passes at Heathrow because they were on the no-fly list, a bunch of "pilgrims" from England with a bad case of B.O. and no sense of humor landed in New England after 66 days at sea and promptly got all quill-crazy, signing the
Mayflower Compact. By the way, the ship was destined for the northern edge of the Virginia Colony, but they ended up dropping anchor in a totally different place: Provincetown, Massachusetts. After spending several years reviewing all the available evidence, I've come to an inescapable conclusion: GPS sucked back then.
CHEERS to swatting down the pests. My late grandmother, bless her soul, had a homespun saying she cross-stitched into a doily back in 1972: If they ever make drones that people can fly around taking pictures and whatnot, no good can come of it. You'll all poke your eyes out. Sounds like someone listened:
Sadly, the FAA can't
control this drone.
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Overturning a federal judge's ruling that the Federal Aviation Administration had overstepped in fining a man $10,000 for flying a small drone, the National Transportation Safety Board says the agency has the authority to regulate such drones. … [T]he FAA said, "The National Transportation Safety Board affirmed the agency's position that unmanned aircraft systems (UAS) meet the legal definition of 'aircraft,' and that the agency may take enforcement action against anyone who operates a UAS or model aircraft in a careless or reckless manner." …
The current case stems from a complaint that said Pirker flew his Ritewing Zephyr drone at altitudes from 10 feet above ground to 1,500 feet above ground – and "directly towards an individual standing on a ... sidewalk causing the individual to take immediate evasive maneuvers so as to avoid being struck."
Americans love to play with things that destroy stuff and harm people. (See also: guns, steamrollers, Pop Rocks & Diet Coke.) So I'm glad they're trying to get ahead of this cluster-you-know-what in the making. By the way, my grandmother also cross-stitched a doily back in '75 that says "God Bless President Santorum." I admit that one worries me more. A lot more.
CHEERS to Saving Our Souls. On Sunday's date in 1906, "S-O-S" was adopted at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin as a signal that a ship is sinking and the end is near. Today there's an alternative signal that means the same thing: "G-O-P."
Tonight on Real Time: Cleese!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. On HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher talks with John Cleese, Chris Matthews, Chrystia Freeland, Roland Martin and Seth Rogen. New
DVD releases include
22 Jump Street, Sin City 2 and something called
The Wind Rises, which I assume is a documentary on flatulence safety. Your NHL schedule
is here and the NFL games
are here. (The Lions will be short on "pride" when the Patriots get done with 'em Ha Ha Ha!) Cameron Diaz hosts SNL with merry tunesmith Bruno Mars. Speaking of tunes, Sunday night Sammy Hagar joins Homer's garage band on
The Simpsons, and the American Music Awards will feature Taylor Swift so viewing is
mandatory or you'll get another U2 album forcibly downloaded to your iTunes account. But you do have permission to tape it so you can watch the second-from-last episode of
The Newsroom live at 9. (It's really good this season.)
On Bill Moyers & Company, more conversation with Lawrence Lessig and Zephyr Teachout about academics who enter politics. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Mess: I have no idea. Chuck Todd likes to keep it his little secret since it's his show now and he's king of the world yippeee hoodeehoooo!!!
President Obama bids farewell to
George Stephanopoulos after
taping his 'This Week' interview.
This Week: The battleship Obama rakes the sides of the Republican frigate Obstruction with cannon fire in the wake of his immigration decision; roundtable with Dr. Ben Carson, James Carville, Matthew Dowd, and Katrina vanden Heuvel.
Face the Cranky Grandpa: House Homeland Security Chairman Rep. Michael McCaul (R-TX), Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-IL), Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) and Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID); NAACP President Cornell William Brooks on the looming Ferguson grand jury decision; roundtable with Susan Page (USA Today), David Ignatius and Michael Gerson (WaPost), Mark Leibovich (NYT) and Clarence Page (Chicago Tribune).
CNN's State of the Onion: They haven't announced their lineup yet, so I'll just make it up: Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY); Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY); roundtable with Herbert Hoover, Mahatma Gandhi, Newt Gingrich and Bing Crosby.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Canadian-born, Cuban-blooded immigration expert Raphael Cruz---a senator, we hear---issues orders to his minions in the wake of the president's executive action on immigration: "Fly, monkeys! Fly!" Rep Xavier Becerra (D-CA) offers reality-based perspective. Then, as if Cruz wasn't a big enough indictment of the wisdom of the Texas voter, along comes Governor-elect Greg Abbott to defend his vision of turning the Lone Star Republic into a place in which Eraserhead would feel right at home. Roundtable with George Will, Ron Fournier, Kimberly Strassel and Julie Pace.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 21, 2009
I take cash or gold.
No checks, please.
CHEERS to turning over a new poppy leaf. Congratulations to Hamid Karzai, who paid me $500 to say that we're thrilled he's
been sworn in for another term as Afghanistan's president, and will set upon an aggressive agenda of curbing corruption in the region while improving stability so we can get the hell out by, say, next week. When asked why he didn’t do any of that during his first five-year term, the caped non-crusader said, "Because you didn’t say please." Yeah, but... Yeah, but... [
Sigh] Okay. Point taken.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the lexicon of our lives. Some people say that we only use a handful of the words available to us in the English language. I'm no "expert," but I'd still like to respond to that by saying: no fart no no booger no no fart no booger booger fart no. Now that I've gotten that off my booger fart, here's Oxford Dictionaries' #1 word of 2014:
Terrible Scrabble word.
Only worth 9 points.
Vape
[T]he verb means ‘to inhale and exhale the vapour produced by an electronic cigarette or similar device’, while both the device and the action can also be known as a vape. … You are thirty times more likely to come across the word vape than you were two years ago, and usage has more than doubled in the past year.
Usage of vape peaked in April 2014…around the time that the UK’s first ‘vape café’ (The Vape Lab in Shoreditch, London) opened its doors, and protests were held in response to New York City banning indoor vaping.
Other letter-based vittles include
budtender (marijuana dispensary employee),
indyref (abbreviation of ‘independence referendum’, in reference to Scottish independence vote), and slacktivism (actions performed via the Internet in support of a political or social cause but regarded as requiring little time or involvement). We salute all the winners and hope they enjoy their lifetime supply of alphabet soup.
Have a great weekend, and thanks again for your support during our annual Rubberduckython. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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