We're only a few short days away from the first (RNC-sanctioned) Republican presidential primary debate—which will presumably be the greatest (or, at the very least, the classiest and most luxurious) show on Earth—but I want it now!
Honestly, I'm so full of excitement and anticipation that I feel like I'm going to burst.
With participation in the debate being limited to the top 10 (of 17) candidates in national polls, the prevailing mood in the GOP clown car can probably best be described as one of high anxiety.
For those on the bubble, it's a question of if (they get in); for the rest of the "Anybodies But Trump," it's a question of how—how in God's name (Jesus) do you solve a problem like "The Donald"?!
My advice to all concerned parties: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
Also, too...
It looks like this would be the wrong week to quit drinking.
Meet the Press: Raging Narcissist Donald Trump (R); RNC Chair Reince Priebus; DNC Chair/Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL); "Brain Surgeon" Dr. Ben Carson (R); Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey; Roundtable: Gerald Seib (Wall Street Journal), Kathleen Parker (Washington Post), Helene Cooper (New York Times) and Chris Matthews (MSNBC).
Face the Nation: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (R); "Miracle on the Hudson" Pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger; Former RNC Chair Ed Gillespie; Money Roundtable: Former FEC Commissioner Trevor Potter, Matea Gold (Washington Post), Steven Law (American Crossroads) and Julianna Goldman (CBS News); Political Roundtable: Molly Ball (The Atlantic), Ron Fournier (National Journal), Dan Balz (Washington Post) and Reihan Salam (National Review).
This Week: Raging Narcissist Donald Trump (R); Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT); Former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA); RNC Chair Reince Priebus; Roundtable: Democratic Strategist Maria Cardona, Republican Pollster Kristen Soltis Anderson, Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R) and Cokie Roberts (ABC News).
Fox News Sunday: Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R); Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R); Roundtable: Republican Strategist Karl Rove, Susan Page (USA Today), Michael Needham (Heritage Action for America) and Juan Williams (Fox News).
State of the Union: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R); Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY); RNC Chair Reince Priebus.
Evening lineup:
60 Minutes will feature: a report on the dangers posed by insurance companies denying the mentally ill the treatment their doctors prescribe (preview); and, a report on the high stakes battle between the U.S. and China over satellites that are critical to national security and everyday life (preview).
On Comedy Central...
In his penultimate week as host of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart reacted in disbelief to Mike Huckabee's comments about the Iran deal.
The Daily Show:
Monday: Actress/Comedan Amy Schumer; Tuesday: Actor/Comedian Denis Leary; Wednesday: Actor/Comedian Louis C.K.; Thursday: TBD.
Elsewhere...
Rep. Steve King fantasized about some hot man-on-mower action.
Rep. Steve King, R-IA, told an audience while introducing GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee that the Supreme Court’s landmark marriage equality ruling means that now people can marry lawnmowers, journalist Matt Taibbi reported.
King apparently made the comment at an Iowa campaign event for Huckabee on Thursday, according to Slate.
King has been stuck on the idea of people marrying his lawnmower since at least July 1, when he first made the comment, which he reiterated Thursday, the Sioux City Journal reports.
“I had a strong, Christian lawyer tell me yesterday that, under this decision that he has read, what it brings about is: It only requires one human being in this relationship — that you could marry your lawnmower with this decision. I think he’s right,” he told the Journal.
Meanwhile...
House Speaker John Boehner (unsurprisingly) turned on the waterworks during an interview with the Golf Channel.
If there's one constant in the United States House of Representatives, it is Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) crying. He cried at an event honoring painter Constantino Brumidi. He bawled through a congressional award ceremony honoring an astronaut. He wept during a Taco Bell event.
Why not cry in a Golf Channel interview?
Golf Channel host David Feherty landed an interview with Boehner that's set to air Aug. 3, and a preview shows his waterworks in full effect.
"I wanted to make sure that every kid had the same chance I did," Boehner tells Feherty, with tears falling down his cheeks. "An opportunity."
And, finally...
Fox News' Andrea Tantaros offered teh ladies some tips on how to feed their man's desires.
Fox News host Andrea Tantaros advised women on Thursday that they should always be ready to give their man a sandwich after sex and a beer after his shower if they wanted the relationship to last.
Earlier this week, Glamour magazine retracted a column of tips for making men falling in love after women complained that the list was misogynistic.
Tantaros, however, said that ideas like making a man a snack after sex was not taking women back to the 1950s.
"Look at this list, it has great suggestions in here!" she exclaimed. "After you engage in a little horizontal hula, make him a sandwich. That's not called 1950s. That's called kindness. And frankly, I think women should do a little more of that."
You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
- Trix