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Unlike Mitt Romney and those five boys of his, I'm going to tell you people the cold, hard truth; and the truth is, President Obama lost the first debate.

That being said, however, the president was not the debate's biggest loser.

No, that ignominious distinction belongs to the yellow-bellied welfare queen known as Big Bird.

Not only did this fine-feathered indoctrinator of children have his livelihood threatened; he had his very existence threatened.

As a former child myself, I have just one thing to say: This aggression will not stand, man.

Now is the time for all God-fearing Americans and Muppets to take to the streets and help get out the vote for Barack Obama.

His re-election is all that can prevent Mitt Romney from further threatening our collective childhood (and our collectivist adulthood).

Morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R); Roundtable: Obama Campaign Senior Adviser Robert Gibbs, Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, Democratic Strategist Hilary Rosen, Republican Strategist Mike Murphy and Chuck Todd (NBC News).

Face the Nation: Obama Campaign Senior Adviser David Axelrod; Baseball Roundtable: Manager of the St. Louis Cardinals Tony LaRussa, Former Manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers Tommy Lasorda and Author Jane Leavy; Politics Roundtable: Michael Gerson (Washington Post), John Fund (American Spectator), Norah O'Donnell (CBS News) and John Dickerson (CBS News).

This Week: Obama Campaign Senior Adviser Robert Gibbs; Romney Campaign Senior Adviser Ed Gillespie; Bill O'Reilly (Fox News); Roundtable: Democratic Strategist James Carville, Republican Strategist Mary Matalin, Paul Krugman (New York Times), Peggy Noonan (Wall Street Journal) and Jonathan Karl (ABC News).

Fox News Sunday: Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-NH); Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley (D); Political Debate Coach Brett O'Donnell; Roundtable: Brit Hume (Fox News), Mara Liasson (NPR), Kimberly Strassel (Wall Street Journal) and Kristen Powers (Daily Beast).

State of the Union: Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine (R); Former Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland (D); Former CBO Director Douglas Holtz-Eakin; Mark Zandi (Moody's Analytics); Reliable Sources: Radio Host Julie Mason; Terence Smith (Formerly of PBS); David Drucker (Roll Call); Dana Milbank (Washington Post); Amy Holmes (The Blaze); Patrick Gavin (Politico).

The Chris Matthews Show: Joe Klein (TIME); S. E. Cupp (MSNBC); Andrea Mitchell (NBC News); Sam Donaldson (ABC News).

Fareed Zakaria GPS: Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blackfein; Cisco Systems CEO John Chambers; Dow Chemical Company CEO Andrew Liveris; Author Salman Rushdie; Former CIA Director Gen. Michael Hayden.

Up with Chris Hayes: Rep. Peter Welch (D-VT); Comedian Lizz Winstead; Pulitzer Prize-Winning Journalist Jose Antonio Vargas; Author Rebecca Traister; Brooke Gladstone (WNYC); JJ Ramberg (MSNBC); Former Deputy Assistant Secretary at the Department of Commerce Ro Khanna; Temple University Professor Chris Rabb; Maria Hinojos (PBS); Columbia University Professor John McWhorter.

Evening lineup:
60 Minutes will feature: a report on Chinese telecom giant Huawei, which may pose a security risk to the U.S. government (preview); a  report on the world's largest eye-wear company, the Italian firm Luxottica (preview); and, and interview with singer-songwriter Rodriguez, who emerged from 40 years of obscurity to become a star (preview).

On Comedy Central...

Jon Stewart—who debated Bill O'Reilly on Saturday—exposed Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity as the race-baiters they are.

The Daily Show

Monday: Musician Pete Townshend

Tuesday: Actor/Director Ben Affleck

Wednesday: Former NBA Player Magic Johnson

Thursday: Director Paul Thomas Anderson

And Stephen Colbert looked at the different positions the candidates took during Wednesday's presidential debate.

The Colbert Report

Monday: Former Astronaut Mark Kelly

Tuesday: Musician Morrissey

Wednesday: Author Naomi Wolf

Thursday: Chrystia Freeland (Reuters)

Elsewhere...

Video emerged of Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO)—who is not a doctor—explaining that it's possible for women to get abortions without actually being pregnant.

"One of the good pieces of news why we're winning this war is because there are not enough heartless doctors being graduated from medical schools. There's a real shortage of abortionists. Who wants to be at the very bottom of the food chain of the medical profession? And what sort of places do these bottom-of-the-food-chain doctors work in? Places that are really a pit. You find that along with the culture of death go all kinds of other law-breaking: not following good sanitary procedure, giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant, cheating on taxes, all these kinds of things, misuse of anesthetics so that people die or almost die. All of these things are common practice, and all of that information is available for America."

Meanwhile...

Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA)—who is a doctor—explained that he learned everything he needs to know about science from the Bible.

"God's word is true. I've come to understand that. All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior. You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says."

And, speaking of time...

Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan told Chris Wallace that there aren't enough hours in the day to explain his tax policies.

WALLACE: But I have to point out, you haven't given me the math.

RYAN: No, but you…well, I don't have the time. It would take me too long to go through all of the math. But let me say it this way: you can lower tax rates by 20 percent across the board by closing loopholes and still have preferences for the middle class. For things like charitable deductions, for home purchases, for health care. So what we're saying is, people are going to get lower tax rates.

This post was brought to you by the letters BS.

- Trix

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