Cheers and Jeers is a weekday coping mechanism from the great state of Maine.
Late Night Snark: 2016 Flashback
Most of the late-nighters were on hiatus this week (notably not: Stephen Colbert, who left CBS and the FCC crying in their censorship pudding over the Talarico interview). So let’s set the wayback machine back to a simpler time—February 2016—before the giant orange meteor struck:
"At a rally in Baton Rouge, Donald Trump signed the hand of a toddler. The message read sweetly and simply: Deport Me."
—Michael Che, SNL
Clip of Sen. Mitch McConnell: This [Supreme Court] vacancy [created by Antonin Scalia’s death] should not be filled until we have a new president.
Samantha Bee: Yes. Because what better way to honor America's greatest champion of original intent than by wiping your obstructionist ass with the very document that he held so dear. Let's just have a vacancy for a year because some chinless dildo wants a justice who will use his gavel to plug up your abortion hole.
—Full Frontal
"Ted Cruz's [Iowa caucus] victory last night raises a lot of questions. Like, one: can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire? And two: just how much does it cost to move to Canada?"
—James Corden
The only wayback machine worth a damn.
“Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
"U.S. officials say that the satellite North Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning, earning it the nickname Marco Rubio."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"In Michigan Governor [Rick] Snyder's inbox of terribles, one email mentions a [Flint] resident who said she was told by a state nurse in January 2015 regarding her son's elevated blood level: ‘It's just a few IQ points…it's not the end of the world.’ I'm afraid this lead poisoning will make kids so dim they'll end up being like the governor of Michigan."
—Larry Wilmore
“According to a new report, Americans spent more money last year on legal marijuana than they did on Doritos and Cheetos combined. Or as pot smokers call that: a salad.”
—Seth Meyers
Stephen Colbert: You travel coach and you always travel in the middle seat. Why is that?
Senator Bernie Sanders: Because we couldn’t get the aisle or the damn window, that's why.
Colbert: Do you think America itself is in the middle seat right now, metaphorically speaking?
Sanders: Metaphorically speaking, people are being squeezed, no question about it.
—The Late Show
Good times.
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