And they’re off! It’s Meadows in the lead early, with FreedomCaucus right behind. FearfulLeader (originally entered as DonaldTrump) is in third but at least two lengths back, probably a calculated move this early in the race. RestOfTheGOP is trailing badly, but it appears as if both Democracy and CitizensOfAmerica are stuck in the gate! What a horrible situation! At this time it is believed that no one would allow their jockeys to even step on the track, much less take to the saddle.
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But back to the race for the lead. At the second turn, FreedomCaucus is now neck and neck with Meadows while FearfulLeader continues to lose ground. RestOfTheGOP seems to be turning around and actually trying to run the race backwards! CitizensOfAmerica has just been shot and is lying bleeding in the starting gate! Democracy has been backed out of the gate! It can’t get any worse!
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What a race! Down the home stretch they come, with FreedomCaucus taking the lead from Meadows. But what is this! FearfulLeader is making an AMAZING comeback! He’s closed the gap and overtaken RestOfTheGOP (who is now running the race in the RIGHT direction again), gaining ground with every step as he tries boldly to take the lead away! Meanwhile CitizensOfAmerica is still lying on the track, bleeding profusely! And Democracy is now back in the stables.
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FreedomCaucus seems to be fading, with FearfulLeader pressing relentlessly! RestOfTheGOP and Meadows are now neck and neck in third, but Meadows appears winded. The crowd is suddenly hushed as the announcement is made that CitizensOfAmerica will be left to die on the track. No new word on Democracy.
...
Now at the wire, the crowd is back into it! FearfulLeader, having benefited from a one-horse tailwind, is pulling away, with RestOfTheGOP back in form in second! Oh no, now it’s collapsing like a Trump-built bridge! They’re going to make it to the line, but just barely. FreedomCaucus and Meadows are now a distant memory, at least 12 lengths back. And that’s the race!
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Here we are in the winner’s circle, where FearfulLeader is lathered profusely but still calling for his Twitter phone. He’s completely ignoring the press itself but has had his handlers confiscate their cameras and microphones so he can address the crowd, and millions at home, directly. From this reporter’s perspective, it will be impossible to separate FearfulLeader from the confiscated equipment, so I’m finishing this up on my cleverly disguised iPhone.
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To wrap up, FearfulLeader once again came through apparently unscathed. RestOfTheGOP, having weathered an embarrassing last-second collapse, may well be overmatched not just by FearfulLeader but FreedomCaucus and even Meadows! This was totally unexpected, but very predictable according to the pundits. They thought ROTG had a tactic for controlling FearfulLeader but it was badly flawed, and everyone is questioning if they have the heart for more. Looks like they may take it in the shorts in the midterm, while FreedomCaucus looks forward to a sudden burst in popularity, for no explicable reason. Meadows’ career is on the fence.
And now, with a heavy heart I must report on our final two contenders. Democracy is under assault from every side despite having such a long and storied career. Ever since January 20, 2017, it’s been woefully ignored. Looks like it’ll be put out to pasture (or perhaps sold as meat). Meanwhile, CitizensOfAmerica has had to give up everything in order to survive this ordeal. Not a single finger has been lifted to help, and having suffered a life-threatening injury there is no way that insurance will be available at any price in its future (because of a pre-existing condition, don’t you know)?