Even all these years after quitting—more than a decade now—I still have occasional dreams about smoking. They don’t happen often, but every once in a while one will bubble up from my subconscious. They’re all pretty much the same dream, actually: I’m standing there, right in the middle of having a smoke, at some kind of social gathering...usually outside, on a deck or patio or something. Sometimes with people, but usually alone (even though my conscious memory associates smoking outside at parties with socializing and being around other people—but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms). Anyway, a few things always happen: I realize mid-puff that I’m smoking again, I am immediately guilt-stricken and mad at myself for taking it up again, and my brain starts formulating an explanation for why I’m smoking again (as well as a plan for cutting down or quitting again, because seriously, why am I even smoking again???). I go from zero to trying to explain myself in sixty seconds or less.
This tells me that we (me, and people in general) probably have a strong impulse to explain ourselves to others (and to ourselves, now that I think about it). Whether it arises from guilt or self-doubt, a need for external validation, or a place of rationalization probably depends on the individual and their circumstances, but the impulse is definitely there for a lot of us. My brother-in-law jokingly claims his famously taciturn family’s motto is “Never Complain, Never Explain.” While it might work for particularly stoic and self-sufficient types, I’d say that’s a tall order for a lot of us, particularly those who are experiencing some internal conflict involving efforts at behavioral change.
For example, we often feel the urge to justify whatever hard-to-justify thing we’ve done as a result of our own cycle of addiction; the act of explaining ourselves allows us to try to do that. That’s why, in my dreams, I’m already running through ways to indicate I’ve got a quitting strategy in mind, thinking things like “I’m only buying a few at a time, so it’s not like I’m really smoking like I used to…” and basically explaining my situation to my own dream self, to convince myself I’m not really doing what I’m doing. Because the alternative is too depressing. Of course, I’m always relieved when I wake up and realize I’m not actually smoking again, but the feeling lingers. Brains are tricky that way.
For others, explaining is a way to demonstrate competence and self-sufficiency, even when we’re not 100% of our own capabilities in the moment: “See? I’m doing this really hard thing, even though there’s this other difficult stuff happening and I’m feeling stressed out because of stuff and reasons. And for some reason, listing all the reasons I’m doing what I’m doing makes me feel like I’ve got a handle on things. Like I’m talking myself into feeling confident about it, even though maybe I’m really not entirely confident yet.”
As a perennial singleton, I do that a lot in my life, because I don’t always have someone handy to bounce decisions off of, and I’m used to having to psych myself up for something or convincing myself I’ve made the right call. Because ultimately it’s all on me if shit hits the fan. You get into the habit of explaining your decisions and rationales to others because you’ve already practiced the spiel on yourself so many times.
Do you find yourself over-explaining, or at least feeling like you need to justify your decisions to others? Do you struggle to explain why you make the decisions you do? Do you feel like rationalization or justification is getting in the way of making changes you need to make? Are you ready to channel your inner Mary Poppins and be okay with not explaining yourself? I’m not sure I am, not yet — exposition is one of my strong suits — but perhaps it’s something to work toward. It might free up some mental energy to use in more productive ways!
Who’s Your Little GUS Buddy?
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