The members of Daily Kos now have their very own bitchemployee, Bill in Portland Maine. If you've been stuck in a cave haven't seen one of the 30,000 diaries detailing the community fund raiser that will also pay for A Prairie Home Companion, Car Talk, Coffee Talk, and Cheers & Jeers, Bill became temporarily between jobs and the outpouring of desire to help him out stunned Kos, who allowed us to do the "Hire Bill Away From Doing Something Productive Fundraiser". We raised the requisite salary (hopefully plus some), so we now own Bill.
However, as he's never worked for us before as a paid employee, he probably isn't aware of what we expect from him. To help him out, I have undertaken the task of listing Bill's responsibilities as our bitchemployee.
Read on.
Responsibility 1: Be Funny
Your our employee now. We own you. We hired you to be funny, and current/fresh/hip/jiggy wit it. We don't need no stinkin' diary to mention of how moved you are by our community efforts. We. heard. it. from ct. He thanked us for you. You can mention us as a Cheer if you're pleased with your donated salary or as a Jeer if you think we're a bunch of unfeeling corporate executive cheapskates who stiffed you out of another 10%.
Responsibility 2: Be On Time
We didn't hire you to be fat and lazy. We expect you to post Cheers and Jeers 5 days a week precisely one half hour after each one of us wakes up (or before we wake up if you're PsiFighter37). The one exception is Rum and Coke Fridays. This one we expect to be posted at some point during the Disney Afternoon.
Responsibility 3: Start the Coffee
There are quite a few of us here. This involves a shit ton of coffee. Many of us prefer black coffee. Personally I like a double tall fat Mocha Latte with one pump of hazelnut, two pumps of caramel, and whipped cream on top. And I like it hot. McDonald's pre-lawsuit hot. We also have many tea drinkers. You'll need to make sure our traditional and herbal tees are in stock.
Responsibility 4: Clean the Pool
Cheers & Jeers is described as the kiddie pool of Daily Kos. You started it December 10, 2003. Since then you've written approximately 830-870 Cheers and Jeers diaries, and haven't bothered to clean out the pool A SINGLE FREAKIN TIME! If you're going to work for us, the chemical balance should be checked once a week and the pool thoroughly cleaned once every two weeks. We have an image to uphold. Besides, we don't want nyceve to have to waste valuable diaries talking about the meta health crisis resulting from C&J infections.
Responsibility 5: Keep up the Good Work
Really. That's all we really care about. We don't want to see you go away. You're like our morning paper with our coffee. Stick around and keep us laughing because lord knows there's probably going to be something during the day that will make us glad we started out with a positive frame of mind.
So, without further adieu, by the power most certainly not vested in me, and on behalf of the entire Daily Kos community, let me say welcome aboard! Oh, and we'll be generous and won't make you split your tips with the other help.
And I would like to thank everyone who donated to help keep Cheers & Jeers around. Bill was starting to go a little funny, as this exclusive hidden camera footage shows: