Cheers and Jeers is a weekday post from the great state of Maine.
My New Year’s Resolutions
Since everyone keeps asking:
» I won’t be suckered into believing any bogus conspiracy theories anybody tells me anymore. I will only be suckered into believing the ones told to me by the nanobots in my chemtrail booster shots.
» I shall train a platoon of squirrels to parachute into the White House and chew through the blue wire in Trump’s “football” so he can’t start a nuclear war. Or…wait, is it the blue wire or the green wire?
» I shall try to see the world from the MAGA point of view by taking a few minutes every day to act like a soulless, thick-as-a-brick demon crybaby.
» I shall peacefully resolve Daily Kos pie fights with my superior negotiating and arbitration skills, just as soon as we resolve our 20-year pie fight over the shape of the negotiating table.
As always, I shall continue firming and toning my person using only the finest in cutting-edge fitness accoutrements.
» I shall think more about world peace, economic justice and environmental health…or my insatiable need for cheap consumer goods that'll be thrown out the moment they get a scratch on them or the batteries need changing, whichever comes first.
» I shall reduce the number of distractions in my life by
» I shall continue my 60-year streak of not putting a hole in someone’s flesh and/or bone with projectiles from a firearm. Sorry, but I can’t make the same pledge about lawn darts.
» I shall remind myself daily that whatever horrible things Republicans do, Democrats can and will eventually undo.
» I shall remember what is best in life: “Destroy the Republicans, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the Speaker of the House.”
» I shall make myself available as a strongman in any nation with plunderable resources.
» And I shall jump on the alternative currency bandwagon by creating my own questionably-legal tender called Billycoin. Many will confuse my Billycoins with stolen hubcaps. Don’t be fooled—guarantee authenticity by buying them directly from me for a million dollars each. I'm located in the third survival bunker from the left..
And, if all goes according to plan, we’ll all live happily ever after.
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