Many have been surprised by the generous flow of nonsense we’ve recently been gifted by Senator John McCain of Arizona. Linguistics and common sense experts have been flabbergasted by the conflicting information that has been coming out of his mouth.
“It’s just astonishing, we’ve never seen anything like this on human record” noted Prof. Edward Price from Princeton. “It’s not the number of contradicting stances he holds, there’s plenty of that going around. It’s the speed at which he changes from one stance to the next.” Prof. Prince’s Research Assistant, John Liu interjected to note “and even more surprisingly, the way he can hold several of these stances simultaneously, making him a living, breathing human paradox.”
Prof. Prince’s team was ecstatic last week when it made its biggest breakthrough yet. “We found the remote that controls what comes out of his mouth!” Mr Liu grinned as he told us, “we’d theorized its existence but had never had solid proof. Turns out it was just being held at a co-op desk.”
It appears that a member of the Sweet Fields Food Co-op in Tucson, Arizona found the remote in 2008 and it’s been used by the community ever since. We spoke to co-op member Anne Marie Stone as she completed her shift in the cheese and meats section: “Well, we don’t quite get what the big deal is. We all take turns using that remote. When you get it you can usually expect a 3-hour shift. Sometimes, particularly when the political climate is heated, a fight or two will break out. I’ve seen up to 5 people pressing buttons at the same time, but we generally try to keep peace.” She went on, recounting a recent incident featuring Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “so we open up one morning and this guy Mitch is just pressing every single button on the remote at once, all crazy like. Our Treasurer, Tim, had to run over and slap it out of his hand.”
Though additional research into this matter would be of interest it may not take place in the near future. Unfortunately, Prof. Prince’s team’s funding has fallen victim to budget cuts and further studies will have to be conducted exclusively via collating Twitter mentions.
(Check out my Medium for more satire.)
Edit: A commenter wisely pointed out that it’s important to thank those Republicans that do bravely stand up for us. I couldn’t agree more and have been calling to thank them.
Below I’m including a spreadsheet with the #s for the Republican senators. Collins and Murkowski stood up for the MTP and deserve a huge thanks. You can check the news to see who voted yes or no in the more recent votes. Also, if you have some time to spare, I encourage you to call the others and ask them to protect Medicaid and defend coverage. Ask them to improve, not destroy. If you’re senators are taking a position you’re happy with, thank them as well (202 224 3121).
And take the poll below for comic relief : )
