This week has been a bit of a beast — I’m not feeling my best, my lab partner didn’t leave me any fish to test and I was unable to pull a proposal out of my ass so I’m probably not going to conference next year. I reached a point where I had to have an emergency session with my therapist — not the first one I’ve had recently. I skipped the test review on Thursday because I just — couldn’t adult that day. All I wanted to do was go back to bed, cuddle the cats and sleep. And that’s what I pretty much did.
Today (Friday) has been a bit better — I had my session, got a 100% off coupon for it — so that was a nice change than having to pay him next month because the money in my account is already spent. I found out that the “outdoor kitteh” that I thought was raccoons is actually an older possum that probably lives under my trailer. So I’m trying to put out the food a bit earlier so s/he can get some dinner and then do whatever possums do when winter is coming. I named it Moonbeam.
Other things that happened today was that my eagerly anticipated packages came — it’s always nice to get mail, for me it’s a rare treat. I got a new fitness watch, a dashboard phone holder and a bright green computer mouse from Temu, and I got my computer/reading glasses from Zenni. When I went to the optometrist a week or two ago he gave me a regular Rx for driving, walking, class etc. and Rx readers. I was a bit skeptical because I use regular readers and they are fine — but this is game changing. They are better for the computer, block blue light and are blue. (They didn’t have green) And I have been using them and I don’t have a headache which is nice for a change. Tomorrow is another package day according to Alexa, my Hannukah candles and wrist brace will be here. So that’s something to look forward to.
BUT — there’s always a but…
I wasn’t able to finish my proposal because I procrastinated and ended up being bogged down in the background research I should have been doing all along. So that made me feel very stupid, lazy and fucked up. Thanks, JerkBrain! I worry it will sabotage my grad school chances.
I’m also not coping well with being middle aged — not like a buy me a sports car, troll the gay bars and get me a 22 year old boyfriend not coping well though. I just — I’m fat and out of shape, I have aches and pains, a favorite stove burner and like to be in bed before midnight so I can listen to a podcast, I’m not a kid. Which of course means a lot less drama, but the aches and pains are a bit more frequent than last year, and now I have 2 pairs of glasses, and I have a freaking cataract in my left eye. I’m 54. These eyes have to last a bit longer as a academic and a future scientist.
My grandfather had horrible cataracts from a younger age as well, so I think I know where it came from. His vision was so bad when I was a child that he wore contacts UNDER his almost inch thick glasses. Now technology is much improved from the 1970s, and I am going to get in to see an eye surgeon for a consult ASAP, because I can *see* the damned thing. And it makes my eye tired. But it also makes me feel old.
My Mum is a very spry 76, and if you make it past 50 you didn’t get her dad’s heart, so you can easily go into your 90s. All my relatives on that side other than my grandfather himself — lots of them are still kicking and approaching 100. My dad’s heart problems are largely because he refused to take medication for it, because he “felt” healthy. But he had massive blockages, high blood pressure and a FOX news addiction, and was an alcoholic. So he had a massive stroke after months of little ones, and died of a pneumonia in his 70s. I don’t spend my time getting angry if I can help it, and I take my cholesterol meds, so according to my last physical, I’m fine. But the cataract made very clear I’m not 45 anymore.