Obama Carries Flaming Two-By-Four to Commence Welfare Olympics

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Thursday July 26, 2012 · 3:22 PM PDT

2012/07/26 · 15:22

Collier Country, Florida: President Obama loped triumphantly through Baker Heights Trailer Park Tuesday with a flaming two-by-four, official torch of the Welfare Olympics. He halted before a mound of particleboard and mattresses to ignite the parking lot bonfire that initiated the fourth annual Welfare Olympics.

“I couldn’t be more thrilled at the development of these games,” said the proud Founder. “We started in year one with Smoke Rings and Spitting - now look at us: Furniture Burning, and what I can’t wait to see, Short and Long Distance Recyclable Scavenging; these guys and gals have real talent and determination. You see them training all over the country, year round.”

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Hermits in Greenland Congregate to Ponder Romney Tax Secrecy

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Monday July 23, 2012 · 8:07 PM PDT

2012/07/23 · 20:07

At the Hermit Conference Center cafeteria in Nanortalik, hermit Lars Kunveld shocked conference attendees by asking a question of the hermit seated beside him. “Why do you think Romney is hiding his tax returns, Ingvold? He knew he was running for President since he was twelve, no?”

Ingvold reportedly stared forward and rocked back and forth, a habit he has embraced since he abandoned civilization in his teens.

“I know you are listening, Ingvold,” Kunveld said, without expecting a response. “Anyway, he says he is great and moral businessman. But he won’t show the 1040s. It is one of life’s great conundrums. Is it not driving you crazy?”

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Romney Claims Mantle of Most Relatable Human

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Thursday July 19, 2012 · 5:08 PM PDT

2012/07/19 · 17:08

When you think of me, I’d like you to think of someone who has slept on your couch. I’m the regular guy; Not my competitor. I am EXTREMELY normal and relatable. I mean, I wrestled with various of my sons. I have several quotes from my wife to testify to this fact.

Indeed, I am the average, joshing type. Please try to picture me with bedhead each time you see me. Eating muffin tops, or with a bowl of cereal, and the sound of everyday music made by the tinkling of my spoon against a bowl, over a background of soft padding and shuffling sounds from my slippers dancing over your parquet floor.

It is true that I sometimes say things that cause people to view me in more of a cyborg light. I’d like to request that these ejaculations be construed as endearingly quirky and authentic, rather than odd, inhuman and troubling. So, when I say or do things that no one else in the room, or country, would, please chalk those up to the positive interpretations I mentioned, plus maybe intrepid independence.

You may know some friends who, when things in the world become suddenly humorous, emit a pig-like snort. You also may jokingly refer to that person as a swine. But, you don’t continue to picture that person as a swine visually forever more. Similarly, I hope when I laugh in a way that is transparently artificial and exaggerated, to the point of causing discomfort in others, I hope you will strive to erase that mental image, and remember me without the laugh, in more of a legitimate human milieu.

Well, by now we are on such good terms after this little chat, I feel compelled to make a special offer to you. I would like to present you with the opportunity to refer to me as The Whammer. Yes, as you most assuredly surmised, it is a nickname based on my initials, WMR, and a double entendre referring to my tendency to wham things (in a positive way). You don’t have to use the definite article (the “the”), when employing this term; it is your choice.

Thanks a bunch! I can’t wait for breakfast;)

Your bud,

The Whammer

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Romney Steps Up Obama Criticism Under Pressure from GOP Whisperers

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Friday July 13, 2012 · 1:00 PM PDT

2012/07/13 · 13:00

Mitt Romney spoke to a crowd of over 150 in Nedfield, Ohio today, ratcheting up his attacks on the President in response to rising concern among GOP insiders over the Republican candidate’s cautious campaign style.

“To date, we have focused on the inefficacy of Obama’s programs in reviving the economy,” Romney said. “But today I’d also like to highlight that he is a homicidal maniac bent on world destruction.

“Our previous critique is still accurate and fitting, in that the President wasted years of his term distracted by health care reform and little pet issues like Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. However, it is also important to note that he is lighting up the constitution with a flamethrower, and transforming the hard-won foundation of global civil society into cinders.

“If the President is re-elected,” he continued, “most believe the economy will continue at roughly the same middling level, and we will probably keep terrorists at bay, or even possibly eliminate some of them; actually, though, America will be razed, and its citizens will be pretty much extinguished. It is important, then, that we elect a president who can avoid these outcomes; I am that man.”

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Republicans Accidentally Rebrand Attorney General as Action Hero

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Thursday June 28, 2012 · 6:48 PM PDT

2012/06/28 · 18:48

Following a historic vote of the House to censure Attorney General Eric Holder, Republicans were mortified to learn that Attorney General Holder’s public perception had improved. “I don’t understand it,” lamented House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “We voted to punish him.”

A Gallup Poll showed the Attorney General’s public standing had risen by seven percentage points. Many attribute his improved standing to the labeling of the scandal associated with his censure after the popular thriller, “Fast and Furious.”

“I’d like to stress that the Attorney General is not an ex-convict, nor an elite street racer,” stammered House Speaker Boehner. “He does not drive a 1970 Dodge Charger. He does not date Eva Mendes.”

Asked to explain the growing admiration for the Attorney General, a survey respondent noted, “The guy has a mustache. I mean, it’s 2012. That’s awesome.”

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Chief Justice Roberts Overheard Shouting, “Healthcare is..."

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Wednesday June 27, 2012 · 8:48 AM PDT

2012/06/27 · 08:48

Chief Justice Roberts was seen Wednesday at the Springwood All Fitness center in a light gray nylon, long sleeve sport shirt, with neon salmon vertical stripes running from the under sleeves down to the waist. After doing three sets of free weight bench pressing, he inserted buds into his ears and walked over to the cardiovascular equipment section.

On his preferred exercise bike, he pumped his head up and down for several minutes. At one point, he increased his cycling speed, to a pinnacle rate of 187 cycles per minute. It was at this peak that he suddenly thrust a finger in the air and shouted, “Healthcare is for Pussies,” after which he jabbed at the air twice.

No heads turned in his immediate vicinity, except for the fitness center manager and his assistant, whose heads snapped in the Chief Justice’s direction. Roberts reportedly glanced sideways and noted the looks of concern, but did not swivel his head.

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Fake Romney 2012 Campaign Coverage, from the dais to the dog.

Romney Campaign Interviews Decorated Heckler Candidate

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Thursday June 21, 2012 · 2:44 PM PDT

2012/06/21 · 14:44

The Fehrn:    Hi, Jeff. Thanks for responding to us and taking the time. Do you know what the position is?
Heckler Jeff:    Yeah, Heckler.
The Fehrn:    No, it’s..
Heckler Jeff:    Oh, I’m sorry. The technical term is Passionate Activist.
The Fehrn:    You understand the importance of using the proper terminology?
Heckler Jeff:    Yes. If someone uses the wrong term, I will make them pay.
The Fehrn:    You… Well…
Heckler Jeff:    I’ve got sterling credentials. You want to make Obama cry? I’m your man.
The Fehrn:    No, we…
Heckler Jeff:    I used to work at a farm. I spent 11 years herding goats. Without dogs.
The Fehrn:    OK.
Heckler Jeff:    I would yell. All the time. Gales; Lightning; No problem. I never lost a goat.
The Fehrn:    And you feel this qualifies you for this position…
Heckler Jeff:    No. Did I say that? No, I didn’t. Give me some runway here, Fern Storm. I was saying, as a pertinent lead up, my background happens to be just what you might expect an ideal heckler to have. It of course doesn’t guarantee you will be a great heckler, if you have been a dogless goat herder in Montana, and you’ve been beaten by your alcoholic father your whole life, so that you’ve lived a life full of anger, which, naturally, you project outward onto other people, with amplified fervor; if, in addition to this, you were born with a temper that is notorious throughout your surrounding counties, going back generations in your family to the Civil War; these features alone do not guarantee that one will be a star heckler.
The Fehrn:    (He stands up.) Jeff, thanks for this talk, but…
Heckler Jeff:    But, look, Eric. I’ve gone out of my way to come to this interview. I’m going to have to ask you to sit back in that chair (he points with a threatening finger at the chair) and listen to why I may be the greatest heckler America has at this moment in history.
The Fehrn:    (He sits down.) OK, but I’ll have to…

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Tuesday June 19, 2012 · 8:27 AM PDT

2012/06/19 · 08:27

In a move that has sent shock waves across the world of academia, Harvard Business School today announced Rafalca had been admitted to its class of 2015.

“For decades we have been slaves to traditional admission standards and their human bias,” declared the school Dean. “With the coming of Rafalca, this scourge afflicts us no more.”

Though the London Olympic Committee expressed mild disappointment at the timing of the announcement, which deflated its positive Rafalca news cycle, there was widespread celebration in the global equine community. Authorities in Kentucky stood on high alert in case the exuberance might lead to violence.

“Thankfully, there were no fires or deaths,” announced Lexington Chief of Police Garth Pendleton. “There was that foaming steed that burst through the front glass of the Starbucks in Speigle Heights. He leapt into the barista pit, and trampled a new employee. That was the only hospitalization we know of.”

Asked what qualifications led them to select Rafalca over the legions of tri-lingual black belts with 1500 GMATs that have swelled their application database, the HBS Head of Admissions said, “she brings tremendous diversity. I mean, who else in this class speaks Hounyhnhnm? Show me one.”

The Romney family could not be reached for comment, but it was learned that the Romney Cubby in the Spangler Center will be temporarily outfitted with a Himalayan salt lick.

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Truth-seeking Republican Strategist Hurled from Building

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Thursday June 14, 2012 · 2:35 PM PDT

2012/06/14 · 14:35

Republican Analyst Dan Palmquist was pronounced dead Monday by Lakedale Police, outside the headquarters of the conservative think tank for which he worked. The cause of death was registered as “Hurled from Building.” A Lakedale Homicidal Unit agent noted, “It appears he was held under the arm pits by two people, and another holding the legs. It was probably a case of one of them saying, ‘One… Two… Three,’ before they swung him over the edge, like they do at swimming pools. Only this was on the roof there at 1243 East Hollister.”

Asked what topics Palmquist covered in his work as an analyst, his boss, Jake Mueller said, “really everything. No particular focus. He’d been doing pretty much the same thing for the last thirty four years.” When pressed as to whether there had been any change in his work, he said, no. “Nothing inflammatory. The one thing that changed was, Danny started to hang around scientists, and to quote them more. He started to include more charts and graphs, and to draw direct conclusions from the data based on logic, without regard to ideology. I suppose it was a bit edgy, hanging out with that crowd. Maybe that didn’t go over well with some readers.”

Mueller insisted the incident would not cause his institution to alter its approach and standards in any way. However, when asked whether the pending 200 page opus on health care authored by the full office staff would be published on time, he walked into a ficus, reportedly mumbling about tweaks.

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Arizona and Bain Announce Joint Venture to Create Deportation Trebuchet

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Tuesday June 12, 2012 · 7:22 AM PDT

2012/06/12 · 07:22

In a historic partnership, the rattlesnake state joined with the leading financer of minimum wage retail stores to create Freedom Aerodynamics. The company will manufacture, deploy and market a line of modern trebuchets.

Trials have shown that the device can project an adult at a launch speed of three times that of a cannonball. Distances vary by weight, but can reach up to three miles for an average sized Mexican adult male. The initial model will support one or two person launches. Plans are underway to roll out a family ride in 2014.

Arizona will deploy the Freedom Flinger every 400 feet along its border. The company announced back orders from Texas and Florida, and has logged a rich roster of product enhancement requests, including a hamlet-scale version.

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Romney Bully Take: I Present a Refreshing Dichotomy

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Saturday June 09, 2012 · 5:46 PM PDT

2012/06/09 · 17:46

"Sir,” The Fehrn said. “We did the quick hit back, but I’m afraid this bully thing may be a lingering creeper.”
“What,” responded M. Rizzle, popping a grape into his mouth, “you think smacking that twit around like a purple haired circus monkey is a problem? I don’t even remember it.”
“Uhh... Yes.”
“Who did you smack around in high school?”
“Me? No one.”
“Did you have any friends?”
“Sir, my background is not a concern here. I’m worried yours could be a problem. It strikes right at…”
“No, Fehrn. It does not, because… I present a refreshing dichotomy. Wham!”

M. Rizzle looks The Fehrn in the eye. “You want me to repeat it?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll explain it. On the one side, I am way the heck moral. I donate millions to charity. Millions. You aren’t aware of the full stretch of my tithing? I tithe like St. Francis would have, if he had been a little more business savvy. My alms, each year, form the shape of a tsunami wave, sucking miserable humans into its mass, lifting the little, damaged waifs up onto glistening surf boards on top of the wave, where they shoot off into the coral sky, and burst from too much health and general contentment; it presents a nice Fourth of July-like bouquet of fireworks over my house year round, for those who can see reality with that particular lens.

Eagle Breath

eaglebreath

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Thursday June 07, 2012 · 6:45 PM PDT

2012/06/07 · 18:45

Dear Romney Campaign,

I’m writing to apply for the position of Heckler. When I heard you had deployed Hecklers to Obama campaign events, I was thrilled. I thought, boy, this is a remarkable convergence of circumstances: my being alive at this juncture, with such a unique blend of experience, skills, and drive, and your campaign’s bold decision to embrace such a manly campaign tactic.

I have been described over the course of my career as “offensive,” “pushy,” and “rude.” On multiple occasions, my parents quoted these adjectives to me from my elementary school report cards. At those times, when my parents would ask what I thought of that, I would shrug. During the awkward silences that ensued, I learned later, we would both ruminate about why I was put on this Earth.

With such consistency of character over time, you would expect active consequences to manifest themselves as I interacted with the matrix of reality. Indeed they did. One time, in the cafeteria, I lifted a warm Dagwood sandwich from the tray of Sally Quinn and inserted it down the back of Neal Peterson’s shirt. Open faced. His shirt was, of course, tucked in.

Eagle Breath.

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Obama Carries Flaming Two-By-Four to Commence Welfare Olympics

Hermits in Greenland Congregate to Ponder Romney Tax Secrecy

Romney Claims Mantle of Most Relatable Human

Romney Steps Up Obama Criticism Under Pressure from GOP Whisperers

Republicans Accidentally Rebrand Attorney General as Action Hero

Chief Justice Roberts Overheard Shouting, “Healthcare is..."

Romney Campaign Interviews Decorated Heckler Candidate

Romney’s Horse Rafalca Admitted to Harvard Business School

Truth-seeking Republican Strategist Hurled from Building

Arizona and Bain Announce Joint Venture to Create Deportation Trebuchet

Romney Bully Take: I Present a Refreshing Dichotomy

Breaking News Leak: Text of Cover Letter to Romney Campaign, Applying for Heckler