Over the years I have run into many people who behave in racist ways but vehemently reject the label racist for themselves.
Sometimes even Klansmen do not think they are racist: “I don’t hate anybody; I just love white people more.”
Sometimes people practicing intentional discrimination come up with all kinds of vague feeling-based excuses about their good intentions: “I didn’t stop him just because he was black, I just had a hunch that he was up to something suspicious.”
Can you reason with a racist? Can you call out racist behavior in a way that makes people look at what they have done without feeling personally attacked—ask them to examine their behavior and not their core identity? Of course core identity drives a lot of behavior, but trying to analyze people in that way always gets their hackles up.
And why should we reason with racists?
Why even care whether we personally attack people exhibiting racist behavior? Why shouldn’t they expect a negative response when they behave in that way?
I can’t answer those questions. I’ve just been in some situations where I did not have the option to slap someone upside the head and had to develop a gentler response—one that allows me to maintain my own integrity in the sense of not just standing there passively tolerating racist words/behavior/jokes etc.
Folks who react the worst to the label “racist” usually have a very very narrow concept of what racism is.
They start talking about their friend or spouse of another race as though these things absolve them for racist behavior because their hearts are in the right place.
You can tell pretty fast when you are dealing with someone whose definition of racism is limited to the legalized mistreatment of chattel slavery and Jim Crow (without acknowledging how much of that discrimination continues today). They insist they never owned slaves. They never stopped any person of a different race from getting a job or housing. They connect racism only to events of the distant past, and erroneously believe those events ended long before they were born.
They do not think consciously about structural racism: being part of and passively accepting a cultural system of preferences that benefit them.
When they are challenged on anything with the racist label attached to it, all conversation stops. Once you get stuck in AYCMAR (are you calling me a racist?) it is hard to take the conversation anyplace else.
So many people have gotten in the habit of judging racism by how they FEEL, and in their own minds they think they don’t *feel* hatred for people of color.
They judge their racism by their INTENTIONS, and they believe their intentions are good and honorable.
As a result, sometimes it works to challenge their actions rather than their feelings or intentions.
It is less threatening to challenge a person’s behavior than to challenge their feelings or identity, since we actually can never get inside another person’s head and heart and know for sure how s/he feels.
Besides, it is easier for people to change their actions than to change their basic identity or the way they feel inside.
And if folks are willing to talk about changing the way they act, the words they use, the material they forward, their feelings and even their identity may eventually change as well.
So one way I confront people about racism is to challenge their actions rather than their feelings.
They may not *feel* racist but when they perform racist actions just point out when their words and actions have the same effect that racists want.
When they say—“Wait, are you calling me a racist? That’s deeply insulting how can you say that I’M NOT A RACIST!!1!ONE!!ELEVEN!!1!!”
I say “I know nobody likes that label hung on them. But if you don’t want people to think of you as racist, you do have the choice to stop behaving the way racists behave.”
People who already know their behavior is racist are convicted in their own hearts at this point, and your work is done. You can’t change people, but you can let them know you recognize the racism in that they have done.
On the other hand, people who are not aware they are behaving the way racists behave, will usually respond differently to this. “What? What do you mean I am behaving the way racists behave?” So the conversation continues and you may have a reachable moment.
I wouldn’t do this with strangers, or people I’ll never see again, unless I am standing up for someone else who needs support.
I am talking about the people in my own life who I care about enough to want to stay in relationship with them in spite of what they have done.
If there is someone you need to confront, maybe you can try the old Ann Landers trick of printing this out and handing it to someone (or the 21st century equivalent: just sending the link).
If you don’t want to be thought of as racist or lumped in the slop bucket with racists and other deplorables, this means you have to stop (then pick the appropriate category):
- saying what racists say
- doing what racists do
- making arguments racists make
- linking to websites racists enjoy
- watching TV shows racists create and repeating the messages there as fact
- listening to radio shows racists create and repeating the messages there as fact
- forwarding emails racists write
- posting/retweeting memes racists create
- voting for politicians who advocate racist policies
- voting directly for policies that have a racist outcome (gerrymandering, ballot questions, etc.)
- laughing at racist jokes
And most important, you have to stop
- keeping silent when other people around you are doing these things
Almost every parent or teacher recognizes this behavior modification tactic: never tell the person she *IS* bad or wrong, because that is an identity attack. Instead, tell him what he *did* that was wrong and let him/her know that s/he has the choice to stop doing it. Separate the behavior from the identity.
So when someone says with hurt in her voice, “But I’m NOT a racist! How can you call me a racist?” You can respond thus:
I’m not calling YOU a racist, I’m calling your behavior/words/actions/voting racist. Do you see that you are making the same arguments racists make? Voting for the candidate racists prefer? And by not confronting your racist friends, you give them and everyone around you the impression that you agree with them?”
It doesn’t always work, of course. Nothing always works. But this approach, delivered in love, can lead to surprising conversations.
Sometimes it works even better when your tone of voice is less angry and more disappointed, as in “I never expected this behavior/tweet/meme/email/statement/viewpoint/vote/joke from someone like you; I thought you were a better person than that.”
i do not care whether or not racists accept the label racist. My goal is just to get folks to (re)examine their behavior.
Sometimes when they do that they stop the behavior but still have the feelings inside.
And sometimes they stop the behavior and also decide to move toward lasting inner change.
PREVIOUS TRUE BLUE REPORT diaries
Apr 24: Will DJT ever learn the limits of bullying?
Apr 23: TBR SUNDAY: Did Putin or Bannon direct DJT to “endorse” Le Pen?
Apr 22: BLUE RIBBONS: Flipthe6th voters, tax return marchers, and (international!) marchers for science
Apr 21: But he’s not *running* as a prolife candidate?
Apr 20: Is it good or bad that DJT has no idea what he is doing with respect to North Korea?
Apr 19: What Huckabee actually DID say, about journalism, was totally outrageous
Apr 18: Another 20 point swing means the Rs are scrambling to regroup
Apr 17: The number of persuadables is growing as people lose confidence in DJT
Apr 16: TBR SUNDAY: He shook up the world—Easter fears can be overcome with Easter JOY
Apr 15: BLUE RIBBONS: David Fahrenthold, Amariyanna Copeny, Chasity Wells-Armstrong, the ASAN
Apr 14: Everyone talking, everyone reaching out—is it helping?
Apr 13: Three ways to respond to the stress overload of current political news
Apr 12: Republicons--the party of cruelty
Apr 11: Spicer’s comment was MUCH more than just an “insensitive reference to the holocaust”
Apr 10: If DJT changes policy based on televised images... let’s show him some
Apr 9: TBR SUNDAY: DJT supporters do not realize nuclear war could mean the end of the world
Apr 8: BLUE RIBBONS: Jeff Merkley, Gina Mathew & Connor Balthazor, 70 (!) advertisers dump Bill-O
Apr 7: Not taking our eyes off Heitkamp, Manchin and Donnelly—they should be primaried
Apr 6: Take Me to Your Leader
Apr 5: DJT ran for POTUS to get back at Obama but the person he is discrediting is himself
Apr 4: Obama’s is bigger—Twitter following, inauguration crowd size, and approval rating
Apr 3: Filibuster a SCt nominee? Ds are changing the rules! This never happened before !1!
Apr 2: TBR SUNDAY: Put Your Lights On
Apr 1: BLUE RIBBONS for 4/1/17—Dick Cheney, Richard Burr, Rick Wilson
MARCH
Mar 31: The possible reasons Flynn was refused immunity are all good for the Blue Team
Mar 30: Special Assistant Ivanka—every word she says from now on is a DJT advertising ploy
Mar 29: “It’s just that valuable” — do you know the MAIN reasons Ryan wants to pass the AHCA?
Mar 28: Nipping at their heels
Mar 27: In cheering Republicon failures, think like a surgeon
Mar 26: TBR SUNDAY: Dare we hope the tide is turning? Or is that unrealistically optimistic?
Mar 25: BLUE RIBBONS: Sheldon Whitehouse, Al Franken, Bobby Brooks, Betsy Anderson, ACA phone callers
Mar 24: HaHaHa-Ha-Ha You’re gonna need Congressional approval and you don’t have the votes
Mar 23: Rcons hate Obamacare for selfish, greedy, racist reasons, but not enough to fix it.
Mar 22: Neil Gorsuch’s attempt to seem wide-eyed and innocent makes him look even worse
Mar 21: Using Trump as a bad example—no Trump Sleep, Trump Food or other Trump habits
Mar 20: Is DJT a compulsive liar, or out of touch with reality? Five scenarios...
Mar 19: TBR SUNDAY: A budget is a moral document—a statement of public compassion
Mar 18: BLUE RIBBONS: CBO scorers, Senate Intelligence Committee, Judge Derrick Watson
Mar 17: They know DJT is lying. Here’s one sad reason they follow him anyway.
Mar 16: Mick Mulvaney's ignorant, callous, evil, Republicon definition of compassion
Mar 15: Message Discipline 101—Pushback against Rcon talking points re DJT 2005 tax return
Mar 14: Message Discipline 101—Pushback against Rcon talking points about Obamacare repeal
Mar 13: Culture, Civilization, Rural America, Working Families—the missing word is a “tell”
Mar 12: TBR SUNDAY: The Rcon definition of Christians is as wrong as the Rcon definition of Democrats.
Mar 11: BLUE RIBBONS: A Day Without a Woman, Native Nations Rise, Voting Rights Act still lives
Mar 10: How to talk to people who have trouble understanding actions have consequences
Mar 9: Where’s the fire? The real reason Rs are trying to rush TrumpCare through Congress
Mar 8: Message Discipline 101: TrumpCare, RyanCare, GOPCare, DonTCare—what’s in a name?
Mar 7: How very hard it is for a woman to go a day without paid (or unpaid) work
Mar 6: Can DJT really be stumbling into the exact investigation we want?
Mar 5: TBR SUNDAY: How is it even possible that deplorables see a man of faith when they look at DJT?
Mar 4: BLUE RIBBONS: Chris Hayes, Malcolm Nance, Cierra Fields
Mar 3: I’m glad Bannon, Conway, Carson, Sessions, Miller, et al. are in the DJT Administration
Mar 2: “In every major fire it always starts with smoke. And smoke is what kills you.”
Mar 1: Am I the only one whose skin crawled at the Carryn Owens BIRGing moment?
FEBRUARY
Feb 28: Spinspotting 101: Special Prosecutor for what? It’s so easy to answer that question
Feb 27: Spinspotting 101: I’ve seen no evidence because I haven’t looked for any evidence!
Feb 26: TBR SUNDAY: If Neil Gorsuch were a man of integrity, he would decline the S.Ct. appointment
Feb 25: BLUE RIBBONS: Russia Flag trolling, Dixie Swastika grabbing, District Days demonstrating
Feb 24: There is no such thing as a compassionate conservative
Feb 23: Chief of Staff, Nat’l Security Advisor, GOP Head, President Bannon—too many hats!
Feb 22: DJT has a few questions for you—SMURF THIS POLL!
Feb 21: The end of “access journalism” means it’s time to #sendtheinterns
Feb 20: KAC lying low for now… can we banish her (and all her ilk) from the airwaves completely?
Feb 19: TBR SUNDAY: DeVos cartoon, Ruby Bridges, unearned unhappiness and childlike faith
Feb 18: BLUE RIBBONS: Vice Adm. Harward, Melissa McCarthy, and intel whistleblowers
Feb 17: And Ain’t I an American?
Feb 16: Please tell your family and friends—If you regret your DJT vote, speak up NOW
Feb 15: R-supported forced childbirth laws deny the autonomy of women
Feb 14: What did the president know? Everything. When did he know it? From the beginning.
Feb 13: Coping with The Madness of King Donald by hoping political comedy will save us
Feb 12: TBR SUNDAY: The Poverty and Justice Bible
Feb 11: BLUE RIBBONS: Swastika removers, Ninth Circuit Panel, and the Persisterhood!
Feb 10: The first three words of the Constitution are “We, the People” not “I, the President”
Feb 9: Who first inspired your political activism? Who inspires you now?
Feb 8: We cannot and will not be silenced—Here’s what to do if they try to silence you
Feb 7: Plain Talk Tuesday: Tell people the Affordable Care Act is the same as OBAMACARE
Feb 6: Interview Skills 101—Internalized oppression and what Ryan Lizza did right. BRAVO!
Feb 5: TBR SUNDAY: These protest signs with Bible cites will confuse and befuddle RWNJs
Feb 4: BLUE RIBBONS: Temple B’Nai Israel, Judge Robart, CNN, Senate Phone Callers
Feb 3: Not rich, not smart, not a good businessman, not a winner—DJT is NOTHING he claims to be
Feb 2: Thursday action—Encouragement, thanks, and apologies (pick one or more)
Feb 1: July 7, 2009 to August 25, 2009 and September 25, 2009 to February 4, 2010
JANUARY
Jan 31: If you’re on overload that’s part of their plan—there’s more than one way to #resist
Jan 30: Interview Skills 101 for reporters attempting to interview KAC and other Rcons
Jan 29: TBR SUNDAY: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness
Jan 28: BLUE RIBBONS: Women's March participants and #NoMuslimBan demonstrators and...
Jan 27: I wish Steve Bannon would tell me to keep my mouth shut
Jan 26: Thursday Action—Have you ever written a letter to the editor? Here’s how to start
Jan 25: The Asch Conformity Study, inauguration crowds, and the importance of speaking out
Jan 24: #ResistTrumpTuesday—good news day or another paying dues day?
Jan 23: Spy the Lie 101: How to enjoy watching Rcon spokesbot interviews, even KAC!
Jan 22: TBR SUNDAY: Why I prayed for the President* today
Jan 21: The only silver lining in the midst of these clouds
Inaugural (!) diary: Stop expecting Republicons to make sense